Marrying a Thai Lady

[Lung Per]

I came across an old readers letter in the Bangkok Post. Although it has a few years on its back it's still very valid. The author is a Thai woman. It explains quite well the circumstances around Thai wives married to farangs, expectations by their families from the farang husband, etc. etc. and, not least, the fact that not all Thai ladies are after the money. Real love does exist.
(MY COMMENT: but probably less between BGs and farangs).

I have spent quite a bit of time reading posts on this forum, especially under the topic of "getting married in Thailand."

I am sorry to learn that most of you, farangs, have had negative experiences with your wives' families in terms of money. Most of you here talk about paying a lot of money to support your in-laws. sounds very much like they are leeches that constantly \\ //// every pound or dollar out of your wallets.

I am sorry to learn that thai women marry you for only money for themselves and their families. and only to elevate themselves socially and financially. once they get what they want from you, they walk away from you.

sounds like these thai women give us a bad name.

I do not deny what i learn from your experiences. but i would like you to please not assume that we all Thai women are just like that because we are not.

my impression is that those of you who share your stories here all married to women from villages or rural areas where people are un- or low-educated and very poor. that's why what happened to you happened: she and her families wanted your money. you are viewed as a bucket of gold their daugthers just happen to fall into, so can get as much gold out of the bucket as possible. they do that because they are poor, because they have a golden opportunity, because they can, because you allow them to, and because you love your women.

I believe that there are a lot of thai women who never want to take advantage of you financially, me included. i believe there are a lot of thai women who value love more than money. I am from a very humble background. my family and I never ask for money from my American fiance. If he wants to help us financially, we appreciate that. If not, we continue living without asking. He asked my dad about the dowry he was supposed to give him. he told him he wanted nothing; he did not have me for sale. and let me repeat, my dad is poor and low-educated. we are a poor family who doesn't have a savings account. all my dad wants form him is his love and respect for me.

Again, I am sorry for your bad experience. But for those who are seeking true love with thai women, have faith that you will find one who just doesn't only crave for your money. you just have to look carefully. whether rich or poor, good thai women still exist.

Food for thought!

[Big Boy]

Lung Per,

I find that post quite hard to decipher. I can't really distinguish between what is the content of the letter and what is your commentary.

That aside, yes, we often hear of somebody who has had a bad experience, but how many of us don't come on to the forum and say how happy we are with our relationships? The fact is, people usually post bad experiences.

My wife had one year of schooling, comes from the North East and has leeches for a family. However:

- She is very clever in many practical ways. She leaves me standing in many practical skills.

- What's wrong with the North East?

- We have disowned the extended family, telling them from the start that they are not going to get anything. It's easy, and it works for us. The family are now back in touch, but the demands for free cash have stopped.

We have been very happily married for well over 20 years. If you could have seen the way she has cared for me after my recent hospital operation, you would be well impressed.

Bad relationships happen. Not just Farang/Thai, but Farang/Farang. I wouldn't mind betting that there are many happy Farang/Thai relationships going strong, which only came about because the Farang/Farang relationship failed.

[richard]

BB

Laying the rules down up front works.

[moose 961]

l to have trouble with your point.my wife is from issan. just like us all, she has dreams for her family.but now she understands it's just the 3 of us. her family did ask but now i'm going on a fixed
income and the well is dry. at least that's what were telling them

[Lung Per]

Lung Per,

I find that post quite hard to decipher. I can't really distinguish between what is the content of the letter and what is your commentary.

That aside, yes, we often hear of somebody who has had a bad experience, but how many of us don't come on to the forum and say how happy we are with our relationships? The fact is, people usually post bad experiences.

My wife had one year of schooling, comes from the North East and has leeches for a family. However:

- She is very clever in many practical ways. She leaves me standing in many practical skills.

- What's wrong with the North East?

- We have disowned the extended family, telling them from the start that they are not going to get anything. It's easy, and it works for us. The family are now back in touch, but the demands for free cash have stopped.

We have been very happily married for well over 20 years. If you could have seen the way she has cared for me after my recent hospital operation, you would be well impressed.

Bad relationships happen. Not just Farang/Thai, but Farang/Farang. I wouldn't mind betting that there are many happy Farang/Thai relationships going strong, which only came about because the Farang/Farang relationship failed.

The content of the letter is between "QUOTE" and "UNQUOTE". Hard to understand?

[Lung Per]

l to have trouble with your point.my wife is from issan. just like us all, she has dreams for her family.but now she understands it's just the 3 of us. her family did ask but now i'm going on a fixed
income and the well is dry. at least that's what were telling them

I'm not making a point. Just giving food for thought.

[Big Boy]

Yes, it was very difficult because of the opening sentence:

I have spent quite a bit of time reading posts on this forum, especially under the topic of "getting married in Thailand."

To my simple mind, this confused me. I will edit your post to make it clearer.

[Lung Per]

Yes, it was very difficult because of the opening sentence:

I have spent quite a bit of time reading posts on this forum, especially under the topic of "getting married in Thailand."

To my simple mind, this confused me. I will edit your post to make it clearer.

OK - I don't mind. Also, I realize that this may not have significance to those of you regulars who, like myself, live in a happy and lasting Thai/farang marriage. But not all do.

[STEVE G]

Yes, I think it's much like BB states above, you tend to only hear all the tales of woe whereas those in happy relationships just get on with it.
With regard to extended families, I've found that once you've been together for longer than five years or so, you tend to get treated more as one of the family and not someone to milk for what they can get.
Sometimes you can be surprised; last year an older half-brother of my partner suffered a stroke and was having difficulties looking after himself. I agreed to have some changes made to the bathroom of our house in Issan so that he could use the bathroom and shower as he was staying over the road. (It's a mainly Thai style house so I figured that it couldn't cost too much.)
When I went back the next time, I found that the remodeling had all been professionally done and paid for by another relation in Bangkok who was apparently also paying for his upkeep which had never even been mentioned.

[dtaai-maai]

... you tend to only hear all the tales of woe whereas those in happy relationships just get on with it.

And most of the tales of woe are at least partially self-inflicted. Some people seem destined to be victims in life, wherever they happen to live. "Stupid is as stupid does..."

[Spitfire]

Yeah DM, have to agree too, most of the horror stories can be avoided by exercising an ounce of caution or brain power.

There's no stopping some though as it's not going to happen to them......of course.

[Roel]

"Stupid is as stupid does..."

Yeah DM, have to agree too, most of the horror stories can be avoided by exercising an ounce of caution or brain power.

There's no stopping some though as it's not going to happen to them......of course.

Sounds a bit arrogant to me gentlemen. Apparently you did not really listen to these stupid people's horror stories. Otherwise you would have noticed that there can be many reasons beyond anybodies control that cause them like: she falls in love with someone else (can happen to anyone any time), she gets bored and starts gambling or a family member gets into unforeseen structural financial trouble (accident or otherwise) and when the farang at some point refuses to longer finance it, she finds herself forced to choose between her farang husband and her Thai family. The family will put pressure on her: if the farang is not going to give it then take it.

Surely there are many who should have seen it coming but could not see all the red flags through there pink glasses. But I do not agree that MOST of the horror stories could be avoided. On the contrary, most of the horror story victims lived happily together with their partner for many years before for some reason trouble started.

[hhfarang]

Marriage is a challenge under any circumstances. That's why the failure rate (at least in the U.S.... and probably most other places) is over 50%.

There are even greater challenges when you marry someone from another culture that you have absolutely nothing in common with but it can work. I miss being able to carry on discussions about things in the U.S. or even world affairs that happened before we met and there are times when we simply have nothing interesting to talk about other than what's occurred in our lives together over the last 15 years.

If you find the right person and have the right feelings and reasons going in, you'll make it work no matter where she is from. The problem is that too many people get married for the wrong reasons, sex or financial security being two (the first one primarily from the males point of view and the second one primarily from the females point of view).

[Takiap]

I agree, marriage is a long and often hard two way street, where both partners need to be willing to make allowances. I could well be wrong, but my guess is that the divorce rate between Farang and Thais is probably no higher than it is between Farang and Farang couples. Of those that do fail here, I think many are caused by the reason HHF gave above, in that they have entered into marriage for all the wrong reasons. I also believe that in many cases, the Farang husband never well and truly accepts his extended family as family in the true sense of the word, in which case, he too will never really be accepted totally into his wife's family.


I can only speak for myself, but I have never yet been asked for money by any member of my wife's family, other than her Mom and Dad on one or two occasions, and then it was only for a couple of thousand baht which they've repaid a thousand times over by helping us out when we've needed a bit of help. With the birth of our third child, we decided it might be a good idea for her Mom and Dad to come stay here with us, and what a help it's been. Her Mom is just excellent with the kids, cooking food, cleaning the house, etc, etc. Her Dad on the other hand works a six day week, and at the end of the month, he hands his salary over to Mom, who in turn spends it on groceries and anything else we might need. In a nutshell, nobody takes advantage of another.


Just last night my wife's Dad asked me to run him through to Hua-Hin in the car so he could get his hair cut. Anyway, I sat and had a small Chang while I was waiting for him, and while I was watching tourists moving in all directions at the night market, it suddenly dawned on me just how settled down I am here. Here were all these tourists enjoying the sights and activities, while I was filling the role of a taxi driver for my wife's Dad.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that yes, you can be a part of the family without, and yes, marrying a Thai can work, but a lot also depends on your own attitude. If your extended family feel they are accept as such by you, you too will be accepted as such, and if you achieve that, then you'll most likely find that they won't ever put pressure on your wife to get money out of you.

I can honestly say I love my wife's Mom and Dad , but hell, they can also annoy me at times....lol.

[Lung Per]

I agree, marriage is a long and often hard two way street, where both partners need to be willing to make allowances. I could well be wrong, but my guess is that the divorce rate between Farang and Thais is probably no higher than it is between Farang and Farang couples. Of those that do fail here, I think many are caused by the reason HHF gave above, in that they have entered into marriage for all the wrong reasons. I also believe that in many cases, the Farang husband never well and truly accepts his extended family as family in the true sense of the word, in which case, he too will never really be accepted totally into his wife's family.


I can only speak for myself, but I have never yet been asked for money by any member of my wife's family, other than her Mom and Dad on one or two occasions, and then it was only for a couple of thousand baht which they've repaid a thousand times over by helping us out when we've needed a bit of help. With the birth of our third child, we decided it might be a good idea for her Mom and Dad to come stay here with us, and what a help it's been. Her Mom is just excellent with the kids, cooking food, cleaning the house, etc, etc. Her Dad on the other hand works a six day week, and at the end of the month, he hands his salary over to Mom, who in turn spends it on groceries and anything else we might need. In a nutshell, nobody takes advantage of another.


Just last night my wife's Dad asked me to run him through to Hua-Hin in the car so he could get his hair cut. Anyway, I sat and had a small Chang while I was waiting for him, and while I was watching tourists moving in all directions at the night market, it suddenly dawned on me just how settled down I am here. Here were all these tourists enjoying the sights and activities, while I was filling the role of a taxi driver for my wife's Dad.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that yes, you can be a part of the family without, and yes, marrying a Thai can work, but a lot also depends on your own attitude. If your extended family feel they are accept as such by you, you too will be accepted as such, and if you achieve that, then you'll most likely find that they won't ever put pressure on your wife to get money out of you.

I can honestly say I love my wife's Mom and Dad , but hell, they can also annoy me at times....lol.

Excellent. Some of us are very fortunate!