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migrant
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Post by migrant »

Retirement Activities

I've often been asked, 'what do you do now that you're retired?'

Well, I have a chemistry background and one of the things I enjoy the most is turning beer, vodka and wine into urine.

And, I'm pretty darn good at it!! Thank God I paid attention in school!
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Post by Big Boy »

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month.

The lady went to the drug store and got some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the druggist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist said "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it on my legs either; and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist said, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 0 - 1 Preston NE :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

Points 41; Position 18
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Post by Big Boy »

A man and a woman meet in a bar.

They have a drink, get talking and one thing leads to another and they decide to go to the womans place.

After a couple of drinks the man takes off his shirt and washes his hands.

Then he takes off his pants and again he starts washing his hands.

The woman watches this ritual and says to him "Ill bet you, that you are a dentist."

He is flabbergasted, and answers "Yes..... but how did you know this?"

Very simple she says, you do nothing but washing your hands.

After a while they start having sex and when they are finished she says:

"You must be a hell of a good dentist."

He shines of pride after such an echo booster and answers, "of course I'm a hell of a good dentist, but how did you know this?"

She answers him with a straight face "I never felt a thing".
Championship Plymouth Argyle 0 - 1 Preston NE :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

Points 41; Position 18
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Post by Big Boy »

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: 'I don't have any money.' But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother.'

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

'Anything?' he asked.

'Yes, yes, anything' the blonde promised.

Well, then, 'Just follow me' said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.

' Come in and close the door' the man said.

She did.

He then said 'Now get on your knees.'

She did.

'Now take down my zipper.'

She did.

'Now go ahead ... take it out.....' He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered ..

'Well ... go ahead.'

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... ...tentatively said ....




'Hello. Mom, can you hear me?'
Championship Plymouth Argyle 0 - 1 Preston NE :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

Points 41; Position 18
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Post by Big Boy »

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's Supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, 'some old bastard wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, 'and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?'

'New Zealand, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave New Zealand?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there.'

'Is that right?' replied the manager. 'My wife is from New Zealand!'



'Really??' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
Championship Plymouth Argyle 0 - 1 Preston NE :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

Points 41; Position 18
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Post by crazy88 »

This is why women should not take men shopping against their
will.

DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her
husband accompany her on her trips to K-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping
boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she
loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from
her local K-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&M's on lay -b y.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he
began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it
as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE
VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least ..

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,
K -Mart.
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Post by crazy88 »

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?' All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, 'Up or down?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f**k or drown.'
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Post by Big Boy »

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!," and proceeds to empty the cash tills.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off the balaclava, whereupon the robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "did anyone else see my face ????".

He notices another customer peering from behind a counter and he runs over and shoots her in the head also.
"Did anyone else see my face? " he shouts, waving his gun in the air......

There is silence for a few seconds before an elderly male voice is heard from a distant corner.......................

















"I think my missus caught a glimpse"...................
Championship Plymouth Argyle 0 - 1 Preston NE :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

Points 41; Position 18
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Post by Big Boy »

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.
If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet .... its male indifference.
If you cry ... you're a wimp.
If you don't .... you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her .... you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination.
If SHE asks you ... it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear .... you're a pervert.
If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist.
If you don't ... you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape . you're vain.
If you don't ... you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers ... you're after something.
If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself.
If you aren't ... you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache ... she's tired.
If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often ... you're oversexed.
If you don't ... there must be someone else.

Why do men die first? Because they want to.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 0 - 1 Preston NE :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

Points 41; Position 18
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Post by Big Boy »

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.' Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now? '

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the e baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'



'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'
Championship Plymouth Argyle 0 - 1 Preston NE :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

Points 41; Position 18
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Post by Big Boy »

There are a lot of changes that are going to be taking place across the organisation as new technology is rolled out and mobile work becomes more commonplace. The goal is to remove all laptop computers by November 2008 and all desktops computers by December 2008. In order to maintain output everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.

There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No boot-up problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
4. No more worries about power cuts.
5. Budget savings on Upgrades unparalleled


Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

If you have any further queries, please feel free to contact the IT department.

Thank you.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 0 - 1 Preston NE :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

Points 41; Position 18
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Post by dtaai-maai »

James the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had a couple of hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so James could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
His favorite rooster was old Alek, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning James noticed old Alek's bell hadn't rung at all! He went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer James's amazement, old Alek had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. James was so proud of of Alek, James entered him in the local County Fair and Alek became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded Alek the No Bell Piece Prize but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly Alek was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
This is the way
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Post by crazy88 »

One day, in line at the work's cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind
him, 'my elbow hurts like hell, I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid. ...a lot quicker and
better than a doctor and you get Club card points.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the
computer ejects a printout.

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife, daughter and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for
good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He
deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better....Thank you for shopping at Tesco
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Post by Big Boy »

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . .
'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxi's - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow.

------------------------------------------------

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. . I instructed. '
Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes, St.Thomas's Bath .

--------------------------------------------------------------------

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.

'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent .

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . .. .' So how was your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . .Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon. Bristol Infirmary.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate
operation...

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said

'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty, KGH London .

Dr. wouldn't submit his name
Championship Plymouth Argyle 0 - 1 Preston NE :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

Points 41; Position 18
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Post by Big Boy »

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the same slogan...

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better.

Tesco Condoms - every little helps.

Nike Condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.

Galaxy Condoms - why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC Condoms - Finger, Licking good.

Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Duracell condoms - keep going and going.

Macintosh condoms - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.

Pringles condoms - once you pop, you can't stop.

Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper

Goodyear condoms - for a longer ride go wide

FCUK condoms - no comment required.

Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain

Halford condoms - we go the extra mile.

On-digital condoms - plug and play!!!!

Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long

Renault condoms - size really does matter!

Ronseal condoms - does exactly what is says on the tin

Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes

Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!! (sorry!)

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach

Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world.

AA Condoms - the 4th emergency service

Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal

Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!! (A VERY poor seller)
Championship Plymouth Argyle 0 - 1 Preston NE :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

Points 41; Position 18
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