A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he received another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a f***ing toffee apple.
Best of British
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dr dave soul monsta
- Deceased
- Posts: 1281
- Joined: Mon May 31, 2004 10:04 pm
- Location: Altissima quaeque flumina minimo sono labi
- Contact:
A couple, who attended an art expedition at the national gallery, were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted 3 black men stark naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises and the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realised the confused couple were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a dominantly white patriarchal society. In fact, he pointed out, some serious critics believe the pink penis reflects the cultural and social oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society. After the curator left, a Scott’s man approached them and asked, would you like to know what that painting’s really about. The couple said, how would you claim to know more about the painting then the curator of the gallery, because I’m the one that painted it, he replied. In fact there’s no African American representation at all. They’re just three Scottish coalminers and the one in the middle went home for lunch.
The curator of the gallery realised the confused couple were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a dominantly white patriarchal society. In fact, he pointed out, some serious critics believe the pink penis reflects the cultural and social oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society. After the curator left, a Scott’s man approached them and asked, would you like to know what that painting’s really about. The couple said, how would you claim to know more about the painting then the curator of the gallery, because I’m the one that painted it, he replied. In fact there’s no African American representation at all. They’re just three Scottish coalminers and the one in the middle went home for lunch.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
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Guess
- Deceased
- Posts: 3470
- Joined: Fri Jul 22, 2005 3:01 pm
- Location: BangSaphan. Laurasia. Sub thumb
Three of the world's top surgeons got together for a round of golf and a converstaion ensued about which one was the best.
The first one said that he had a concert pianist in his theatre who had lost eight fingers from two hands. He sewed them back on and one year later the pianist was performing in concert halls.
The second one said, "that is nothing, I had an internationally famed athlete in my hospital who had both legs and both arms amputated in an horendous road accident. I sewed all four limbs back on and two years later he went on to win an olympic gold medal."
The third surgeon said
"neither of these operations compares in any way to what I have done.
There was a cowboy who was rounding up stray heffers one day who suddenly saw some on the other side of the railroad track. He then crossed the track to retrieve the animals.
In doing so he was hit by a train travelling at full speed. On arrival at the scene all that could be found was a Stetson, a pair of boots and a horse's arse and now two years later he is President of the USA"
The first one said that he had a concert pianist in his theatre who had lost eight fingers from two hands. He sewed them back on and one year later the pianist was performing in concert halls.
The second one said, "that is nothing, I had an internationally famed athlete in my hospital who had both legs and both arms amputated in an horendous road accident. I sewed all four limbs back on and two years later he went on to win an olympic gold medal."
The third surgeon said
"neither of these operations compares in any way to what I have done.
There was a cowboy who was rounding up stray heffers one day who suddenly saw some on the other side of the railroad track. He then crossed the track to retrieve the animals.
In doing so he was hit by a train travelling at full speed. On arrival at the scene all that could be found was a Stetson, a pair of boots and a horse's arse and now two years later he is President of the USA"
[color=blue][size=134]Care in the community success story.[/size][/color]
-
dr dave soul monsta
- Deceased
- Posts: 1281
- Joined: Mon May 31, 2004 10:04 pm
- Location: Altissima quaeque flumina minimo sono labi
- Contact:
-
Guess
- Deceased
- Posts: 3470
- Joined: Fri Jul 22, 2005 3:01 pm
- Location: BangSaphan. Laurasia. Sub thumb
A guys decides to get away from the stress of the city and take a two week break up in the mountains for a bit of hunting. After a few days he spots a bear at the side of a lake. He takes aim and shoots. He walks down to the lake to retrieve the carcass. He finds nothing. While standing at the lakeside he gets a tap on the shoulder. It is the bear. The bear says to him, OK you have a choice, I either tear you limb from limb or give you a damn good shafting. As our intrepid hunter does not want to be armless and legless he drops his pants.
He returns to work in the city and makes plans for next year with revenge in mind. A year later he has purchased a 55 calibre elephant hunting rifle which he takes with him and returns to the same place as last year. After a couple of days he finds the bear drinking from the lake. He takes aim and lets off three rounds. He then walks down to the lakeside to retrieve what is left of the bear. To his surprise, no blood nor fur no body. Again he gets a tap on the shoulder. It is the bear again who is much larger in all areas than the year before. The bear offers him the same choice. When the bear has finished the hunter crawls back to his lodge and rests up for a few days before making his painful journey back to the city.
For one whole year whilst recovering he plans revenge on the bear with no chance of failure. He manages to get himself an Rocket Propelled Grenade Launcher. He travels back to the lodge and next day goes in search of the bear. He again finds it drinking at the side of the lake. He takes aim and sends three grenades in the direction of the bear. All he can see is trees crashing down and smoke and dust. He lets it all clear and makes his way down to the lakeside. He can not believe his eyes, there is absolutely no trace of the bear at all. He stands there looking at the devastation with disbelief. He then gets the dreaded tap on the shoulder. He spins round. The bear looks at him and says, “You don’t come here for the hunting at all, do you?”
He returns to work in the city and makes plans for next year with revenge in mind. A year later he has purchased a 55 calibre elephant hunting rifle which he takes with him and returns to the same place as last year. After a couple of days he finds the bear drinking from the lake. He takes aim and lets off three rounds. He then walks down to the lakeside to retrieve what is left of the bear. To his surprise, no blood nor fur no body. Again he gets a tap on the shoulder. It is the bear again who is much larger in all areas than the year before. The bear offers him the same choice. When the bear has finished the hunter crawls back to his lodge and rests up for a few days before making his painful journey back to the city.
For one whole year whilst recovering he plans revenge on the bear with no chance of failure. He manages to get himself an Rocket Propelled Grenade Launcher. He travels back to the lodge and next day goes in search of the bear. He again finds it drinking at the side of the lake. He takes aim and sends three grenades in the direction of the bear. All he can see is trees crashing down and smoke and dust. He lets it all clear and makes his way down to the lakeside. He can not believe his eyes, there is absolutely no trace of the bear at all. He stands there looking at the devastation with disbelief. He then gets the dreaded tap on the shoulder. He spins round. The bear looks at him and says, “You don’t come here for the hunting at all, do you?”
[color=blue][size=134]Care in the community success story.[/size][/color]
Very interesting.......
Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died
Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married (again)
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe (again)
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died
In future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry and Liverpool wins
another European crown.... please warn the Pope...
Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died
Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married (again)
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe (again)
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died
In future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry and Liverpool wins
another European crown.... please warn the Pope...
Voted the best bar in Hua Hin three years in a row.
Well stocked fridge. Good music, pool, cable and UBC TV. Water features, fish, no hassles no chocolate starfishes.
Well stocked fridge. Good music, pool, cable and UBC TV. Water features, fish, no hassles no chocolate starfishes.
Not british but along same lines...
The Lincoln/Kennedy Cosmic Connection
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Kennedy'.
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln'.
Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
The Lincoln/Kennedy Cosmic Connection
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Kennedy'.
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln'.
Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
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linktolinh
- Specialist
- Posts: 136
- Joined: Sat Aug 13, 2005 12:42 pm
- Location: Hanoi
More on Vova stuff???
1.
One day Vova's new young teacher come into class with a supper mini short skirt... As she is writting new lesson on the blackboard, all the boys start giggling...
To show off her power she put the coldest mask on turns back and ask Ivan short-sight:
- Ivan, what do you laugh at?
- Teacher I saw your knee
- Take your stuffs and get out of the class. Don't come back before next Monday!
Turn to Bovov she asks:
- Bovov, why you are laughing?
- Oh teacher., i can see your upper legs ha ha ha
- Get out and don't come back until next month.
Vova start collecting his stuffs and ready to get out:
- Vova, where do you think you are going?
- Oh teacher, bye I think I will see you next year!!!
2. Teacher ask Vova's dad to meet her after school.
- Sir, you need to be strict with your son, he put a nail on the wall and tell Ivan short-sight that it's a fly. He hit it with his hand and you know how bad is it!
- Oh teacher, don't tell me you just call me for this kind of stuff. I'm sure you don't know what had happend to me when he drawn his mother's pu**y on the mirror!!
1.
One day Vova's new young teacher come into class with a supper mini short skirt... As she is writting new lesson on the blackboard, all the boys start giggling...
To show off her power she put the coldest mask on turns back and ask Ivan short-sight:
- Ivan, what do you laugh at?
- Teacher I saw your knee
- Take your stuffs and get out of the class. Don't come back before next Monday!
Turn to Bovov she asks:
- Bovov, why you are laughing?
- Oh teacher., i can see your upper legs ha ha ha
- Get out and don't come back until next month.
Vova start collecting his stuffs and ready to get out:
- Vova, where do you think you are going?
- Oh teacher, bye I think I will see you next year!!!
2. Teacher ask Vova's dad to meet her after school.
- Sir, you need to be strict with your son, he put a nail on the wall and tell Ivan short-sight that it's a fly. He hit it with his hand and you know how bad is it!
- Oh teacher, don't tell me you just call me for this kind of stuff. I'm sure you don't know what had happend to me when he drawn his mother's pu**y on the mirror!!
I'm adorable crazy ! :-)
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dr dave soul monsta
- Deceased
- Posts: 1281
- Joined: Mon May 31, 2004 10:04 pm
- Location: Altissima quaeque flumina minimo sono labi
- Contact:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and
promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m.. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power!
Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, .
Peter, Peter, something or other..."
___________________________________________
PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
_____________________________________________
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a ..44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not.
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
____________________________________________
MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I ! didn't ! say she was crazy, I said she's f**king
Goofy."
___________________________________________
SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying,
"Lie to me! Lie to me!"
___________________________________________
Did you know...Captain Hook died from jock itch.
____________________________________________
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex. "What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the
trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs.
"Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony!
Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and
promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m.. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power!
Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, .
Peter, Peter, something or other..."
___________________________________________
PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
_____________________________________________
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a ..44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not.
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
____________________________________________
MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I ! didn't ! say she was crazy, I said she's f**king
Goofy."
___________________________________________
SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying,
"Lie to me! Lie to me!"
___________________________________________
Did you know...Captain Hook died from jock itch.
____________________________________________
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex. "What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the
trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs.
"Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony!
Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"
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linktolinh
- Specialist
- Posts: 136
- Joined: Sat Aug 13, 2005 12:42 pm
- Location: Hanoi
Ha ha ha,.. it ws so funny with Pinochio
Some more:
Belong to whom?
A couple want to divorce, the court decided that the wife can keep her children but the husband doesn't agree on that he asks:
Let me ask you a question, if I put 2$ in a machine and it gives me 1 coca ola, so the coca cola can is mine or does it belong to the machine????
For Buskida
After months sitting infront of the screen to write Windown XP software, the IT guy feel like going nut. In a beautiful day he decides to take a day off and go for a picnic in the park.
Sat down on a bench, take a deep breath he feel so good until he look up and crying out:
- Oh no not blue sky, white clound, green grass again...
Sience
After seeing the lightning you will hear the thunder, that's mean speed of light goes faster than sound's
If after the lightning and you can not hear the thunder, that's mean you was hit by the lighting.
Cows
2 cows are chatting on the field:
No1: I heard they said that there is a Mad cow in our farm and they will kill it
No2: Who care! I'm not cow I'm a helicopter
Mother in law
Weekend, the couple go to Robinson to shop. The wife suggest:
- Next thuesday is my mom birthday, should we buy a electricity stuff for her as a gift.
- Oh yes, buy her a chair
Some more:
Belong to whom?
A couple want to divorce, the court decided that the wife can keep her children but the husband doesn't agree on that he asks:
Let me ask you a question, if I put 2$ in a machine and it gives me 1 coca ola, so the coca cola can is mine or does it belong to the machine????
For Buskida
After months sitting infront of the screen to write Windown XP software, the IT guy feel like going nut. In a beautiful day he decides to take a day off and go for a picnic in the park.
Sat down on a bench, take a deep breath he feel so good until he look up and crying out:
- Oh no not blue sky, white clound, green grass again...
Sience
After seeing the lightning you will hear the thunder, that's mean speed of light goes faster than sound's
If after the lightning and you can not hear the thunder, that's mean you was hit by the lighting.
Cows
2 cows are chatting on the field:
No1: I heard they said that there is a Mad cow in our farm and they will kill it
No2: Who care! I'm not cow I'm a helicopter
Mother in law
Weekend, the couple go to Robinson to shop. The wife suggest:
- Next thuesday is my mom birthday, should we buy a electricity stuff for her as a gift.
- Oh yes, buy her a chair
I'm adorable crazy ! :-)
-
dr dave soul monsta
- Deceased
- Posts: 1281
- Joined: Mon May 31, 2004 10:04 pm
- Location: Altissima quaeque flumina minimo sono labi
- Contact:
amazing!
Amazing Anagrams
Dormitory == Dirty Room
Desperation == A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code == Here Come Dots
Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity == Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness == Genuine Class
Semolina == Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one
Contradiction == Accord not in it
This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
Becomes:
In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.
And the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A. Armstrong
becomes:
A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!
Dormitory == Dirty Room
Desperation == A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code == Here Come Dots
Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity == Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness == Genuine Class
Semolina == Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one
Contradiction == Accord not in it
This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
Becomes:
In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.
And the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A. Armstrong
becomes:
A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!
"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"
-
dr dave soul monsta
- Deceased
- Posts: 1281
- Joined: Mon May 31, 2004 10:04 pm
- Location: Altissima quaeque flumina minimo sono labi
- Contact:
Tribute to Ronnie Barker
Havent seen this in years, but still a clucking fassic...
This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes) Irony is that they received not one complaint. must have been the speed of delivery was too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read;
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly
the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the
sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes) Irony is that they received not one complaint. must have been the speed of delivery was too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read;
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly
the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the
sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"