Well done Lomu and Bucksi. I knew you both had it in you. I laughed so much that my wife now is convinced that I am Farang Ting Tong and is seeking a divorce. Mai Bpen Rail. Her memory span is shorter than a goldfish.
Anyway my tip for decorating your bedroom at a fraction of the cost of your local Thai "Painter & Decorator"
When you hear someone say that they would rather watch paint dry than watch a game of football, record their name on a peice of paper. When Man U are scehduled to play Arsenal or Chelsea invite them over for dinner. Make sure that you have a can of paint and brushes available. Then what you do is connect the TV to your stereo system and play it at full blast. Make sure that all the Thai ladies have the correct kit on. If this person is telling the truth they will gladly paint your house for you and watch the paint dry. I have experimented with this and one room takes exactly 105 minutes.
If they would rather watch paint dry them put the morons to the test. You might get away with just the cost of paint and brushes, a dead squid and 200 grammes of rice.
Tips for life in Thailand
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Guess
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For BGs again,
When you gate given 1,000 Baht by an overgenerous farang do not waste it by sending it to your family. Got to 7/11 (and no I do not have shares in this business) and buy two 500 baht 12Call cards. This way you will be able to chat with your friends for a whole day and really impress farang customers.
When you gate given 1,000 Baht by an overgenerous farang do not waste it by sending it to your family. Got to 7/11 (and no I do not have shares in this business) and buy two 500 baht 12Call cards. This way you will be able to chat with your friends for a whole day and really impress farang customers.
[color=blue][size=134]Care in the community success story.[/size][/color]
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Guess
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Builders again:
When a farang gives you a plan completely ignore they know nothing. I have been to farangland and can assure you that they know nothing about building. Most of them live in trees. The ones with big money can actually afford a cave.
The reason they don't like blue plastic water pipes all over the house is because they have never seen them before. If you need water in farangland you have to wait until it rains and lie on the floor with your mouth open. As for 3 core electricity cables on show: why they do not have any appliances that require electriciity.
When a farang gives you a plan completely ignore they know nothing. I have been to farangland and can assure you that they know nothing about building. Most of them live in trees. The ones with big money can actually afford a cave.
The reason they don't like blue plastic water pipes all over the house is because they have never seen them before. If you need water in farangland you have to wait until it rains and lie on the floor with your mouth open. As for 3 core electricity cables on show: why they do not have any appliances that require electriciity.
[color=blue][size=134]Care in the community success story.[/size][/color]
Taxi Drvers and the 90 minute ride to my hotel 4kms south of HH town.
6 weeks ago on my 1st trip into HH town, I came in early one morning to have a look round and find where all of the bars and eating places were. After spending the best part of 4hrs enjoying a few quite ones, proceded to geta taxi back to my hotel from the bus station.
I got in one of those old green pick up truck type taxis, showed the driver the map and was told he was going that way.
The next thing that I realise is that we are nearly out near HH airport, so after returing to town, got out and found another cab, only to be told that he did not go that far out of town (only 4kms).
Walked down the the place near the hilton where all the taxis park, showed another driver my map, he assured me knew hotel, and at least this time set of in the correct direction.
Only about 50yards up the road, he suddenly stops, asks me for my map and then stops this very smart looking Thai Lady to ask the directions.
After a few minutes of frantic discussions and arm waving from both parties, took off agan, and luckily enough got me home in one piece (albeit a total trip of 90mins).
The one good thing is that you do not have meters on your cabs here, and here i was thinking that it was only in Australia that we have taxi drivers who cannot speak english, pick you up, say that they know where they are going and then say that it is your fault for them getting lost.
There is a lot to be said for drinkind and driving
6 weeks ago on my 1st trip into HH town, I came in early one morning to have a look round and find where all of the bars and eating places were. After spending the best part of 4hrs enjoying a few quite ones, proceded to geta taxi back to my hotel from the bus station.
I got in one of those old green pick up truck type taxis, showed the driver the map and was told he was going that way.
The next thing that I realise is that we are nearly out near HH airport, so after returing to town, got out and found another cab, only to be told that he did not go that far out of town (only 4kms).
Walked down the the place near the hilton where all the taxis park, showed another driver my map, he assured me knew hotel, and at least this time set of in the correct direction.
Only about 50yards up the road, he suddenly stops, asks me for my map and then stops this very smart looking Thai Lady to ask the directions.
After a few minutes of frantic discussions and arm waving from both parties, took off agan, and luckily enough got me home in one piece (albeit a total trip of 90mins).
The one good thing is that you do not have meters on your cabs here, and here i was thinking that it was only in Australia that we have taxi drivers who cannot speak english, pick you up, say that they know where they are going and then say that it is your fault for them getting lost.
There is a lot to be said for drinkind and driving
Always Borrow Money from a Pesimist. "They Never Expect it Back"
Minivan drivers, there are big cash prizes on offer for doing your journey quicker than an F1 driver could. To win these coveted payouts you need to take no heed whatsoever of traffic, road signs or road conditions when you're behind the wheel.
Always drive as close as you can to the vehicle in front, this way you'll be caught in his slipstream and save your self fuel, however the is one drawback, your minivan may suffer slight discolouration as the vehicle in front's exhaust fumes will start to oxidise on your bumper.
When at traffic lights be sure to take the inside turning left lane, this way you can knock over those pesky motobikes and get a rolling start on the rest of the traffic. Make sure you spend at least 75% of the journey talking on your mobile, everybody knows it takes more skill to drive at 130kph with one hand, you will get extra kudos for this.
On receipt of your prize should you win, enjoy a nice bottle of whiskey a good hour before commencing the return journey.
Always drive as close as you can to the vehicle in front, this way you'll be caught in his slipstream and save your self fuel, however the is one drawback, your minivan may suffer slight discolouration as the vehicle in front's exhaust fumes will start to oxidise on your bumper.
When at traffic lights be sure to take the inside turning left lane, this way you can knock over those pesky motobikes and get a rolling start on the rest of the traffic. Make sure you spend at least 75% of the journey talking on your mobile, everybody knows it takes more skill to drive at 130kph with one hand, you will get extra kudos for this.
On receipt of your prize should you win, enjoy a nice bottle of whiskey a good hour before commencing the return journey.
Landlords, when you have the good fortune of having a farang express interest in your property, immediately raise the price of the property by several thousand baht per month. Once the silly, rich farang caves and decides to rent your property, tack on a few inexplicable charges. Here's is where you can get creative, saying something as simple as 'plumbing' and telling the farang it will cost another 500 THB or so (drinking money for your brother).
When these issues have all been hammered out demand an excessive deposit - understand that it is of course not unusual for farang's to pay 3 or 6 months of deposits in their home country. If the farang is actually able to come up with this money and agrees; he is too rich, consider raising the rent again.
Now that you've got the deposit, and the farang has paid the 'incidential' fees you conjured up. Demand at least 6 months rent to be prepaid.
Finally, when the dumb farang decides to leave your property you can again express your creativity coming up with things to nick their deposit. Also in regard to the deposit - God knows you don't have the tens of thousands of Baht the farang gave you when they took the lease (now converted to gold accessories for the entended family) - so you will need to find another farang to agree to these outlandish terms and take up the property before you have any chance of paying the original farang back even a tiny portion of their deposit.
When these issues have all been hammered out demand an excessive deposit - understand that it is of course not unusual for farang's to pay 3 or 6 months of deposits in their home country. If the farang is actually able to come up with this money and agrees; he is too rich, consider raising the rent again.
Now that you've got the deposit, and the farang has paid the 'incidential' fees you conjured up. Demand at least 6 months rent to be prepaid.
Finally, when the dumb farang decides to leave your property you can again express your creativity coming up with things to nick their deposit. Also in regard to the deposit - God knows you don't have the tens of thousands of Baht the farang gave you when they took the lease (now converted to gold accessories for the entended family) - so you will need to find another farang to agree to these outlandish terms and take up the property before you have any chance of paying the original farang back even a tiny portion of their deposit.
Last edited by ATAdmin on Thu Aug 25, 2005 3:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
ATAdmin (TWJ)
http://www.atimes.com, http://www.thestandard.com.hk
http://www.atimes.com, http://www.thestandard.com.hk
Ah yes, house owners. An even better way to make the most out of your property is to price it totally out of the market. This way it will be vacant for months if not years earning you a nice supplimentary income of fuck all. You will not have to deal with these miserable farangs and their outlandish demands for ceilings that don't leak, waterpumps that pump, and termites that leave the building.
Tips for shopping...
We all know that space is a commodity and as such shopping centers and especially grocery stores may have extremely narrow aisles. This offers the wily shopper many opportunities.
Consider the fact that when your cell phone rings the entire world comes to a dead stop - I know it does for me. So if you browsing along an aisle and suddenly hear that familiar ring, stop everything you are doing, and just stand there and enjoy a chat. Bonus points if you have the cunning to use your cart to further obstruct passage. Simply abandoning it to pace about chatting shows skill, but consider backing yourself against the shelves where you can rest comfortably while you chat, and swing the cart out in front of you perpendicular to the aisle. This will create a nearly 100% blockage of the passage - and shows extreme cunning.
Some of the larger shopping centers may have these things called 'lifts' or 'elevators'. These too offer an opportunity. Sometimes you may find yourself standing before one, maybe at first by yourself, watching the neat numbers above light up and glow above. The button on the wall may even put off a warm glow too. Soon you are joined by others who also seem intrigued by this phenomenon. Unbeknownst to you they believe you have 'called' the elevator, but you know better don't you! Suddenly the doors open up and you jump back aghast, kind of a, "Holy crap the wall just opened!?!?"
Take this opportunity to consider what to do next, 'should I go in to this strange new world or remain firmly planted where I am...?'
This is why sticking to the escalators is best. Because you already know how those work! For example you know it is common to run ahead of your friends and/or family to arrive at the escalator first and then stand there and wait for them to catch up, a quazi meeting point if you will. Getting off the escalator is not to be taken lightly either. Once getting off the moving contraption it is best to take a moment at the landing to adjust to having your feet on solid ground again. This also will give you time to decide where you are going to go next...
Consider the fact that when your cell phone rings the entire world comes to a dead stop - I know it does for me. So if you browsing along an aisle and suddenly hear that familiar ring, stop everything you are doing, and just stand there and enjoy a chat. Bonus points if you have the cunning to use your cart to further obstruct passage. Simply abandoning it to pace about chatting shows skill, but consider backing yourself against the shelves where you can rest comfortably while you chat, and swing the cart out in front of you perpendicular to the aisle. This will create a nearly 100% blockage of the passage - and shows extreme cunning.
Some of the larger shopping centers may have these things called 'lifts' or 'elevators'. These too offer an opportunity. Sometimes you may find yourself standing before one, maybe at first by yourself, watching the neat numbers above light up and glow above. The button on the wall may even put off a warm glow too. Soon you are joined by others who also seem intrigued by this phenomenon. Unbeknownst to you they believe you have 'called' the elevator, but you know better don't you! Suddenly the doors open up and you jump back aghast, kind of a, "Holy crap the wall just opened!?!?"
Take this opportunity to consider what to do next, 'should I go in to this strange new world or remain firmly planted where I am...?'This is why sticking to the escalators is best. Because you already know how those work! For example you know it is common to run ahead of your friends and/or family to arrive at the escalator first and then stand there and wait for them to catch up, a quazi meeting point if you will. Getting off the escalator is not to be taken lightly either. Once getting off the moving contraption it is best to take a moment at the landing to adjust to having your feet on solid ground again. This also will give you time to decide where you are going to go next...
ATAdmin (TWJ)
http://www.atimes.com, http://www.thestandard.com.hk
http://www.atimes.com, http://www.thestandard.com.hk
The "old green pick up truck type taxis" are in fact a bus type service, and do a round trip circuit from Khao Takiab into town and down Sra Song Road, then back onto Phetch Kasem Road to the airport and then back the same way to Khao Takiab. So you see the driver was right, and yes he would have got you to your destination 4k south albeit in probably about 90 mins. However, what I don't understand is, with map in hand, how did you get onto a vehicle going in the wrong direction?
Farangs do funny things you know, and sometimes it is best just to go along with the farang no matter how stupid it may seem.
As for the Tuk Tuk drivers, I think somehow, something got lost in the translation. Where were you staying?
Farangs do funny things you know, and sometimes it is best just to go along with the farang no matter how stupid it may seem.
As for the Tuk Tuk drivers, I think somehow, something got lost in the translation. Where were you staying?
Evelybody take care na! My story jing jing!
I take my shoe off before I go in lift first time to falang condo and when I come out flom lift my shoe GONE!! Falang laugh mak mak I not sure laugh for what but I angly I tink somebody take my shoe. I tell evelybody now listen to me - no need for take shoe off to go in lift. So... evelybody no Plomplem! 
I take my shoe off before I go in lift first time to falang condo and when I come out flom lift my shoe GONE!!
Falang laugh mak mak I not sure laugh for what but I angly I tink somebody take my shoe. I tell evelybody now listen to me - no need for take shoe off to go in lift. So... evelybody no Plomplem! -
Guess
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Pool
If you plan on staying around for a while. Get together with a few mates and form a pool team. Find a dumb farang landlord who is stupid enough to cough up the entry fee and join.
Get the schedules and rules and talk among yourselves about how stupid it is and how you could do better. This always works better after a half bottle of Sang Som.
Then what you do is play a couple of games according to the schedule just to place the organisers in a false sense of security and then the Coup de Grace. Turn up at a venue that is not on your schedule and convince the hosts that you have to play against them on that night. You will then see organisers flying around like headless chickens trying to sort out the shit that you have caused.
Get the schedules and rules and talk among yourselves about how stupid it is and how you could do better. This always works better after a half bottle of Sang Som.
Then what you do is play a couple of games according to the schedule just to place the organisers in a false sense of security and then the Coup de Grace. Turn up at a venue that is not on your schedule and convince the hosts that you have to play against them on that night. You will then see organisers flying around like headless chickens trying to sort out the shit that you have caused.
[color=blue][size=134]Care in the community success story.[/size][/color]
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Guess
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- Location: BangSaphan. Laurasia. Sub thumb
More driving tips
If you need to cross Petchakasem road by foot walk up to the busiest croosing you can find. Soi 41 next to the Bridgestone tire place is perfect.
Hang around by the mini-mart until you see a farang atempting to make right turn and head towards Hua Hin centre. Walk diagonally acroos the road right in front of him while he is looking at traffic heading south at double the speed limit. When he hits you you will get free treatment in San Paulo Hospital and possibly a grand in cash.
The additional benefits are that you may end up with a limp and brain damage. Both these attributes can be used for the rest of your life to obtain money from sympathetic farangs and Thais alike.
Hang around by the mini-mart until you see a farang atempting to make right turn and head towards Hua Hin centre. Walk diagonally acroos the road right in front of him while he is looking at traffic heading south at double the speed limit. When he hits you you will get free treatment in San Paulo Hospital and possibly a grand in cash.
The additional benefits are that you may end up with a limp and brain damage. Both these attributes can be used for the rest of your life to obtain money from sympathetic farangs and Thais alike.
[color=blue][size=134]Care in the community success story.[/size][/color]
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Wanderlust
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Guess
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When potting a reeply on the forum firstly open MSWord by double clicking on the little W icon somewheir on you screen. This will invoak a illegal copy of a peace of software called a Wrod Processer.
Type in your reply and press the F7 key. Bill gates will personally check and correct all you spelliung misteaks not realizing that you hav payed Jak Shit for his services.
Then cut and paste all your text into the reply.
All membersof the forum will be suiatably imprest at how articulate and cohearent you apear to be when in fact you are really a dickslecti, unedumacated moreon with index fingers can can hit ten keys at the same time.
Type in your reply and press the F7 key. Bill gates will personally check and correct all you spelliung misteaks not realizing that you hav payed Jak Shit for his services.
Then cut and paste all your text into the reply.
All membersof the forum will be suiatably imprest at how articulate and cohearent you apear to be when in fact you are really a dickslecti, unedumacated moreon with index fingers can can hit ten keys at the same time.
[color=blue][size=134]Care in the community success story.[/size][/color]