Mossies

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Randy Cornhole
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Mossies

Post by Randy Cornhole »

I was talking to a stout chap the other day in a bar complaining about the amount of mosquito bites i had collected whilst over here when an old adversary filtered in (we immediately exchanged an immense amount of unnecessary glances) He overhears our conversation and offered his quite frankly unwanted opinion.
He suggested that i coat my body with a thin layer of pig feces to deter the said offenders.
Not one to poo poo such a suggestion offhand I thank him and retire gracefully via the window.
The next day after some hunting I manage to procure a large bucket of feces that once belonged to a small well mannered pig that had generally lived on its own.
I started by removing my lingerie and then agitated the feces angrily over my torso as directed by my enemy.
Well I have mixed feelings about the result, yes indeed I have not been bitten since applying the feces - but always seem to have a small flock of aphids hovering nearby, which can be most disconcerting when a chap is trying to read the Bangkok Post.
Does anyone else advocate the feces approach? I feel its almost there but needs tweaking. I have read in a big book that Bee feces is better, but have not the time or the inclination to trail bees and wait for defecation to occur.
Please help as i am running out of Pig shit.
Last edited by Randy Cornhole on Tue Feb 07, 2006 12:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by Big Boy »

Have you considered whether feces from the local bull might be more appropriate? :idea:
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Post by Randy Cornhole »

On your advice I'm trying to locate a 'local bull' as we speak. There are many bulldios afar but very few local and those that are are have been enlisted into the local mafia or are used for selling ice cream.
I don't hold out much hope but have paid a lot of money to a local despot for information leading to the acquisition of a 'local bull'.
The name Eric the bull has been passed to me but i believe this aged bovine cannot provide the right amount of feces for my needs.
I need help..... please people of the night expose your genitalia and save my shoes!
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Post by Guess »

Covering youself in feces will maybe deter mosquitos but will also deter Humans, Dogs, Cats, Buffalos, Bar Girls, Restratuers and Estate Agents. It is possible that even jounalists might at least move down the bar a little. That is the only benefit)

Ther was a sugestion on this site that Marmite would do the trick. I have put that theory to the test and after eating 100 grammes of the shit it made no difference whatsoever.

Aircon, fans and mosquito attracting lights have a limited success as do thos smelly Catherine Whells.

BTW,

I seem to get less hassle for a short whil after letting one rip. Best to eat an Indian Curry first.
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Post by caller »

Does that mean that 24 hour curries and the odd tin of baked beans are the answer?

Is a certain type of "letting rip" a pre-requisite or will any old "rip" do? Does wind direction and proximity to other living creatures have any part to play?

It may get rid of the mozzies, but mightn't get rid of everyone else as well - even fleas? If so, have you thought of patenting it?

Or is that the idea? :)

Do you do this in private or is it a public display? Are bottle tops and the like thrown in (or out?). Is this a ruse to pull the punters in?

I think your public should be told?
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Post by Guess »

It is a bit of a myth about curries. Its the onions within the curry that give the wind. A baked onion or two will do the trick. Baked beans is a must every breakfast. Beer helps and I have found Erdinger Dark to be the best. Nothing here quite matches up with Marston's Pedigree unfortunately.

Win direction does indeed apply. The method that I have now perfected is to sit in an optimal position regarding a swinging fan. What you do is hold on and the let rip just as the fan is pointing at the person or animal that you wish to polute.

It has to be a public thing. What is the point of doing it alone. That is akin to talking to oneself.

It also re-assures ladies that you are all man and would never under any circumstances order a Taboo, Spy or a Bacardi Breezer.

I have a limited success at keeping mossies at bay along with many other creatures.

I do believe partially in this pig thing thouogh. Pigs are almost never stung by Mosquitoes even though their blood is very tasty.

I heard a story a couple of years ago of a biker who was out on the open road on a beautiful sunny day following a truck awaiting the safe opportunity to overtake (he was a farang of course). All of a sudden it started to rain quite heavily and his jeans and T shirt got drenched. He looked up at the sky and could not see any clouds at all. There were none. He pulled over to investigate and when in still air he realised what had happened. The truck he was following was stacked full of pigs three layers deep. One of them had taken a piss. On a positive note he had no trouble from Mossies for a week and saved himself a few thousand Baht. On the negative side he could not get served in any restaurant or bar and could not book into a hotel for a week either.
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Post by lomuamart »

On the subject of mossies and pigs, I was pretty certain that dengue fever is most likely contracted in rural areas where pigs are kept. Ie, mossies to pig's blood through mossies to us?
I'm certainly no doctor, so could be barking up the wrong tree - as the swineherds say.
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Post by Guess »

lomuamart wrote: I'm certainly no doctor, so could be barking....
You took that quite from the Sun didn't you?
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Post by Jaime »

I read somewhere in a dream that drinking squirrel milk keeps the mossies away.

Does Thailand have squirrels? If not maybe some other rodent's milk would do or you could buy imported squirrel milk from Bohemia but I think that could be very expensive. Bohemian squirrels do produce the best milk though. You probably can't get it in Hua Hin at the moment anyway but try the new Tesco Lotus when it opens as you never know.

If you can get hold of a Thai squirrel the problem is that you need very good eyesight in order to locate the squirrel nipples and then you need to have very small fingers in order to milk the squirrel. Squirrels have been known to bite whilst being milked so you need to be careful of that too. Sensitivity is the key. If you have fat fingers or some other hand deformity it is best to get someone to do it for you.

If anyone manages to milk a Thai squirrel, I would be interested to know the results.
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Post by Norseman »

Thank you Jaime for a pleasant start this morning.
Had a good laugh.
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
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Post by Randy Cornhole »

I once had the good fortune to witness a Thai squirrel milking at close quarters (or 'rodent twisting ' as it is more commonly known) it was a truly holistic affair to say the least. The Squirrel in question in fact only had one nipple, the other having apparently been lost as payment for some unscrupulous gambling debt.
The 'milker' clad only in a pair of speedos and his body anointed with essence of plastic approached said squirrel from the north (traditional).
The 'squirrel' being tethered facing south (traditional) only caught sight of the milker at the last moment as was heard to let out a small grunt!
The actual milking took about 8 hours and produced about 10cc's of liquid.
Unfortunately the milk became tainted due to a change in wind direction.
The squirrel was tethered again but died due to acute heart failure. The milker also suffered from a dislocated chest and carpet burns.
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Post by Guess »

Good account Randy and proves the old adage that truth is strnger than fiction.

To answer Jaime's question, yes there are squirrels in Thailand. I had also heard of the medicinal benefits of squirrel milk.

I managed to catch one in my back garden in Paetchaburi and located the left nipple and squeezed away for about ten minutes to no avail. I then tried the right nipple with the same effect. After about one hour of wondering about what the correct technique for squirrel milking was, and having my right hand being knawed of at the time I suddenly noticed that it had a large pair of balls dangling between its rear legs and I had wasted one hour trying to get milk from what was quite obviously silicone implants.
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Post by PeteB »

Guess,

You obviously had the misfortune to encounter the Thai 'pink', or "Kat Oey" squirrel - a very distant cousin of the British 'Red'.

This particular squirrel is world renowned for imbibing copious quantities of Taboo cocktail - hence the appearance of 'breasts'.

To deter mossies, the milk of less well known "Rasta" squirrel is the only known true repellent. Some say that this is a West Indian myth, but I have witnessed the milking first hand.

When applying the milk, the words,

"I say fly away home to zion, fly away home
I say fly away to zion, fly away home
One bright morning when my work is over
Man will fly away home",

have to be chanted

My only observation is that I am still to be convinced that it is the milk that does the trick.

I believe that the milk was, in fact, contaminated by the smoke of a local grassy substance - which was being burned in copious quantities all around the milking area.

I hope that this explanation helps - it is an easy mistake to make.

:cheers:

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Post by Jaime »

I still say the Bohemian (red) squirrel produces the best squirrel milk.

I forgot to mention that squirrel milk cheese is apparently more effective than the milk at deterring mosquitos.

The cheese is quite nice too but the portions are very small. The price is obviously a bit of a downer as well.

REAL squirrel milk cheese comes only from Bohemia and the price is so high because of the initial milking process, which relies on the procreation of a specially bred race of keen-eyed, small handed dwarfs who undertake the milking. It is undertaken under strictly controlled conditions and is quite different from the ritualistic milking of Thai squirrels that Randy and Guess have described.

Unfortunately I fear for the future quality of Bohemian squirrel milk based products. This is because the recent admission of the Czech Republic to the EU means that it may no longer be possible to breed small handed dwarfs because all dwarfs must now have fingers at least 8mm thick, which is much too big for squirrel milking.

Those damned Eurocrats are going to destroy centuries of squirrel milking tradition and cause a worldwide upsurge in mosquito borne diseases!

To add insult to injury the Japanese are also reputedly breeding a race of super-small handed dwarfs and the US bio-technology corporation Monsanto has patented a gene for shrinking the hands of normal folk to squirrel milking size. Maybe one day we can all milk squirrels safely but another regional tradition will have been lost forever and all the squirrel milk will taste the same. :cry:
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Post by lomuamart »

The last time I was back in the UK, my father borrowed a high powered air rifle to shoot the b******s.
We had great fun in the garden taking target practice at hand drawn cartoons of said squirrels.
They're a menace, although I appreciate I may not quite understand the full meaning of this thread. :thumb:
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