Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.'
Best of the Rest of the World
Izzy and Moe, two 70-something New York Jewish guys decide they need to add some culture to their old age. They go off to Europe on the Grand Tour of all the great sights.
As their ship passes the Statue of Liberty they lean over the rail and Izzy says it was a wonderful trip, they learned so much and enriched their lives.
Moe says they should keep at it, after all New York is a major cultural city.
So they make a pact that each month they will undertake a cultural outing.
A month later Moe calls Izzy with breathless news, he has gotten two tickets to the Metropolitan Opera, front row centre and "Domingo is singing!"
Izzy begs off with apologies saying, "I'd love to but Shapiro is playing!"
Moe is disappointed but keeps at it. Next month he calls Izzy saying he has bagged tickets to the opening of the Picasso exhibit an Picasso's son will be there.
Izzy regrets that "Shapiro is playing, I'm sorry."
A month later Moe tries again with a coveted invitation to meet Fellini at the film festival, "Izzy only 20 tickets and we have two of them!"
"I'm sorry, Shapiro is playing."
Moe is crestfallen and begs Izzy to go, saying they had a pact.
"And who is this Shapiro anyway? Why haven't I heard of him and what does he play?"
Izzy replies, "I don't know, but when he's playing I'm shtupping his wife!"
As their ship passes the Statue of Liberty they lean over the rail and Izzy says it was a wonderful trip, they learned so much and enriched their lives.
Moe says they should keep at it, after all New York is a major cultural city.
So they make a pact that each month they will undertake a cultural outing.
A month later Moe calls Izzy with breathless news, he has gotten two tickets to the Metropolitan Opera, front row centre and "Domingo is singing!"
Izzy begs off with apologies saying, "I'd love to but Shapiro is playing!"
Moe is disappointed but keeps at it. Next month he calls Izzy saying he has bagged tickets to the opening of the Picasso exhibit an Picasso's son will be there.
Izzy regrets that "Shapiro is playing, I'm sorry."
A month later Moe tries again with a coveted invitation to meet Fellini at the film festival, "Izzy only 20 tickets and we have two of them!"
"I'm sorry, Shapiro is playing."
Moe is crestfallen and begs Izzy to go, saying they had a pact.
"And who is this Shapiro anyway? Why haven't I heard of him and what does he play?"
Izzy replies, "I don't know, but when he's playing I'm shtupping his wife!"
The cruise liner hits a reef and starts to sink rapidly.
The crew springs into action and starts launching lifeboats but chaos is everywhere.
A Brit runs up, stands straight and calls out in a commanding voice, "Women and children first!"
A beefy German elbows his way through the mob, shoves the Brit out of the way and bellows, "Fcuk ze vomen and chiltrens!"
Francois then appears, "Mais oui, but is zere still time?"
The crew springs into action and starts launching lifeboats but chaos is everywhere.
A Brit runs up, stands straight and calls out in a commanding voice, "Women and children first!"
A beefy German elbows his way through the mob, shoves the Brit out of the way and bellows, "Fcuk ze vomen and chiltrens!"
Francois then appears, "Mais oui, but is zere still time?"
Three buddies lazing, drinking beer in the garden on a hot sunny afternoon. One is an engineer, one's an architect and one is a gov't burocrat. They each have a dog.
The engineer says his dog is really smart.
"Show us", the others demand.
The engineer dumps some dog biscuits out of the box and says to his dog, "Slide Rule, get over here and show these guys!"
The dog pads over and pushes the biscuits with his nose and his paws, making a little bridge. Engineer crows, "Now that is the smartest dog you ever saw!"
The architect calls his dog, "T-Square come and show how smart you are!"
T-Square comes over, knocks down the little bridge and pushes the biscuits into a perfect little skyscraper. "Now isn't that the smartest dog you ever saw?" says the architect.
The gov't guy opens one eye and calls, "Coffee Break, come and show these guys how smart you are!"
Coffee Break comes over, eats the biscuits, fcuks the two other dogs and takes the afternoon off.
The engineer says his dog is really smart.
"Show us", the others demand.
The engineer dumps some dog biscuits out of the box and says to his dog, "Slide Rule, get over here and show these guys!"
The dog pads over and pushes the biscuits with his nose and his paws, making a little bridge. Engineer crows, "Now that is the smartest dog you ever saw!"
The architect calls his dog, "T-Square come and show how smart you are!"
T-Square comes over, knocks down the little bridge and pushes the biscuits into a perfect little skyscraper. "Now isn't that the smartest dog you ever saw?" says the architect.
The gov't guy opens one eye and calls, "Coffee Break, come and show these guys how smart you are!"
Coffee Break comes over, eats the biscuits, fcuks the two other dogs and takes the afternoon off.
Retirement Planning
Here's how some compare...
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of AIG stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Fannie Mac, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.
With Freddie Mac, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of WaMu stock you would have $49.00 left.
If you had purchased Lehman Brothers, you would have nothing left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $114.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg Plan.
Here's how some compare...
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of AIG stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Fannie Mac, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.
With Freddie Mac, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of WaMu stock you would have $49.00 left.
If you had purchased Lehman Brothers, you would have nothing left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $114.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg Plan.
Apologies to any blonde ladies:
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.
Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.
Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year, namely that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! 'Hel-looooo!!' (I told him). 'It's been a year!'
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up... he hasn't called back.
Probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.
Bet he won't underestimate MY intelligence again!'
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.
Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.
Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year, namely that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! 'Hel-looooo!!' (I told him). 'It's been a year!'
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up... he hasn't called back.
Probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.
Bet he won't underestimate MY intelligence again!'
May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil know`s you`re dead!
Painting the Porch
A blond teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said,
"How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blond jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blond came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, the blond replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
"And by the way, "the blond added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
A blond teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said,
"How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blond jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blond came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, the blond replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
"And by the way, "the blond added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
-
The understudy
- Ace
- Posts: 1293
- Joined: Fri Jun 13, 2003 12:16 pm
- Location: Hua Hin, Bangkok, Berlin, L. A. rotating
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt," but now you can handle this situation with confidence!
Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep N.Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dump Schitt, a high school drop-out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a son with nervous disposition called Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens sisters in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse Schitt. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.
unfortunately for Jack and Noe Schitt Holie Schitt their youngest daughter died early of unknown cause.
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them and inform them of your more than deep knowledge of the family tree.
Your's The understudy!!!
Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep N.Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dump Schitt, a high school drop-out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a son with nervous disposition called Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens sisters in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse Schitt. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.
unfortunately for Jack and Noe Schitt Holie Schitt their youngest daughter died early of unknown cause.
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them and inform them of your more than deep knowledge of the family tree.
Your's The understudy!!!
Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation and Ed fell head over heels In 'Like' with her.
But after a couple of weeks wherein Ed took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love.
And so....on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.
'It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut, ' Ed said to his newfound lady friend..
'I eat, sleep and breathe golf , so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!'
'Dorothy took a deep breath and responded: 'Since we're being honest with each other, here goes....you need to know that I'm a hooker'
'I see', Ed replied, looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought...
Then he added, You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.
But after a couple of weeks wherein Ed took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love.
And so....on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.
'It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut, ' Ed said to his newfound lady friend..
'I eat, sleep and breathe golf , so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!'
'Dorothy took a deep breath and responded: 'Since we're being honest with each other, here goes....you need to know that I'm a hooker'
'I see', Ed replied, looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought...
Then he added, You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.
A Blond is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'
The blond starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!'
Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.'
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says,...
'How many is a Brazilian?'
The blond starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!'
Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.'
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says,...
'How many is a Brazilian?'
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
>
>
> Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of
> the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
>
> Mick, the bartender says, ' You'll not be drinking anymore tonight
> Paddy.
>
> Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.'
>
> Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his
> face.
>
> 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself
> off.
>
> He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
>
> 'Shoite, Shoite!'
>
> He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get
> to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
>
> He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
>
> He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels
> much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on
> his face.
>
> 'Bi, Jaysus... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.
>
> He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
> hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
>
> He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin'
> way'.
>
> He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to
> the bed.'
>
> He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
>
> He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.
>
> The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup
> of
>
> coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did ye have a bit to drink last
> night?'.
>
> Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'
>
> 'Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub!'
>
> Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of
> the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
>
> Mick, the bartender says, ' You'll not be drinking anymore tonight
> Paddy.
>
> Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.'
>
> Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his
> face.
>
> 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself
> off.
>
> He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
>
> 'Shoite, Shoite!'
>
> He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get
> to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
>
> He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
>
> He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels
> much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on
> his face.
>
> 'Bi, Jaysus... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.
>
> He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
> hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
>
> He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin'
> way'.
>
> He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to
> the bed.'
>
> He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
>
> He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.
>
> The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup
> of
>
> coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did ye have a bit to drink last
> night?'.
>
> Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'
>
> 'Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub!'
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.