Grief - How do you deal with it?

[Jaime]

It seems that Western culture is hesitant to discuss death and the grieving process

I'm not sure I agree with that. I think we are very open about such things in the western world and often mourn deeply, and publicly. Traditionally we question everything and, in more recent times, we have come to analyse everything to the 'n'th degree as well. Generally we seem able to empathise with others very well and in most western countries counselling others in times of grief, debt, crisis etc. is valued so highly that counselling institutions are established as part of our societies.

This thread is testament to the empathy, openness and warmth that are part of our ethos for living here in the west. That is certainly my reality.

Coincidentally, whilst walking through my home city of Cardiff today, I noticed that the national museum currently has an exhibition titled Death in Wales! As to be expected it's an exploration of death and the prehistoric rituals connected with it.

[PeteC]

Coincidentally, whilst walking through my home city of Cardiff today, I noticed that the national museum currently has an exhibition titled Death in Wales! As to be expected it's an exploration of death and the prehistoric rituals connected with it.

Are you sure it's not because of Brazil 2 Wales 0 Today? Pete

[Jaime]

If it had been rugby there may well have been suicides here but I think most were happy with last night's performance. After all, Brazil beat Argentina 3-0 at the weekend and since the Wales game was played in London at short notice it was like a home game for Brazil.

Anyway, off topic!

[PeteC]

Anyway, off topic!

I'm trying to cheers things up. Don't forget, funerals are for the living left behind, not for the dead. Same as Irish wakes, my favorite, even the American version thereof.

Part of grief is getting over it and celebrating a person's life rather than mourning their passing.

I'm great at saying these things, but they never for work for me personally, unfortunately. Pete

[JD]

Part of grief is getting over it and celebrating a person's life rather than mourning their passing.

I'm great at saying these things, but they never for work for me personally, unfortunately. Pete

Sorry, an anniversary day today.

I could ramble, reminisce, complain, explain, get angry, feel sad, feel lonely, get depressed,(which I do), feel strong, feel proud, but generally, in the UK, I would have someone to call on, who could help. In Thailand, there is no one to help with this, and today I’ve had no connection from ‘home’. I guess it’s like it always was, ‘Just Me & Joeâ€

[DawnHRD]

I'm sorry, JD. My thoughts are with you & your Joe.

[Hublet]

Taking a deep beath, I ummed and ahhed about replying here.

Grief is one of the hardest emotions to overcome. When it bites it bites hard and the knife digging and gouging your heart is pure fire. There is a lot of grief in here and no matter where your grief comes from it is still just as hard to bear.

The loss of someone important to you is no small issue and although a tough one to handle this is a brilliant idea. The only thing I would add is that perhaps there should be a warning about contents. If I had read this post any earlier I would have lost the plot (which was already a close thing).

Although my own heart is hurting I still have room to send out my condoloescences to all who have lost someone they love.

Now I need a drink.

[Wanderlust]

Anything said on this topic is always going to sound a bit twee, but essentially, without wishing to offend anyone, grief is a selfish emotion, which doesn't make it bad at all, but can put it in some perspective. I try and imagine how I would want people to feel when I die, and although part of me obviously wants people to remember me, a much larger part does not want anyone to go through the anguish that is seen more often, and I am sure that everyone else feels the same; it is a weird situation when the only certain thing in life is death, but everyone avoids thinking or talking about it, and when it happens to someone close to us we are never ready for it, whereas we really should be. If it is a child however that always seems wrong, and I really don't know how people can bear that, but most seem to manage. I guess it will always be this way, and even the Thais with their belief in being reborn get grief stricken, and the only thing it reaffirms to me is that we have to make the most of the life we have, which in turn means ensuring those around us also do. I certainly think, from what I know already, that JD and Dawn are doing that, and the ones they have lost I am sure were immensely proud of them as human beings. And they wouldn't want them to be feeling guilty, or sad but to keep on doing what makes them the people they loved. Honour their memory by living life to the full.

[Jaime]

As I read this thread it seems appropriate, if that is the right word, that this topic has had some new posts added in the last few days because over the same period here in Wales, much media attention has been focussed on tommorrows 40th anniversary of the Aberfan mining disaster, in which a whole generation of young children from one village were killed when a landslide destroyed their school. 116 children died as well as a further 28 adults.

The event was, I believe, the first disaster to receive worldwide television media attention and donations to the disaster fund came from all over the world. It was also one of the defining events in Welsh history - one of many that had some link to the power of the coal mining industry to give to communities - and to take from them.

In contrast to the notion of grief as a selfish emotion, the following article, along with the other links from the same web page, may give some insight as to how intense grief - and bitterness - can be experienced by a whole community.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/5406568.stm

I for one cannot help but be moved by recollections of the event and the impact it has had on the collective psyche of those living in the South Wales coal field is still very raw and evident today. Empathy is at once the most beautiful and the most painful of human emotions.

God bless them all.

[PeteC]

BBC Asia TV has had small paragraph captions on this disaster between their main segments all week here now. It made me research it and found the link Jamie has highlighted. I had heard of it in past years, but being only 16 at the time, really only now have comprehended the scope of the disaster. Very, very sad.

My thoughts are with you also, JD. I hope a time comes when you can be at peace with what's happened in your life. Maybe re-think sharing with your wife, some good could come out of it. Be strong. Pete

[DawnHRD]

Sorry to resurrect this thread, but I started thinking about it yesterday, when I had a violent and unexpected reaction to an ambulance.

It's been over 8 months since Du died and today is the 4th anniversary of Dad's death (I'll have to phone Mum, later). I thought I was OK, now, but it must all still be there, hiding under the surface. I was crossing Petchkasem Rd yesterday & a San Paulo ambulance sped past with its sirens going. I did a couple of "sirens blaring" journeys in those ambulances with Du.
My stomach went, I nearly vomited in the middle of the road, I went shaky & started crying - all in the center of HH in broad daylight. I managed to pull myself together fairly quickly, but I couldn't believe I could still be affected like that. It's funny, you really think you're over it & OK, but grief can come back to you at the most unexpected moments...

[Hublet]

Too true DawnHHDRC,
It truly is amazing. And it sometimes only takes the smallest of things to tip the scale and a blubbering mess ensues. Not really the done thing in Thailand. Well done if you managed to pull yourself together. Sorry things are so deep with hurt for you.

[PeteC]

Hublets right, Dawn. There is no rhyme nor reason to it. It is very similar to PTSD that some of my old military friends have, 30 years on now after having their bell rung in VN by too many rocket attacks or similar, and the sight of death.

Basically, you have PTSD from your experiences and the better you understand that you do, the better you'll be able to deal with it as life goes on.

When time, do a search for PTSD and see what it has to say, may help. Pete

[Randy Cornhole]

My dad died in 1988 thats 18 years ago. Last week I started to research my family tree online, when I looked up my dads details and they poppted up on the screen I reacted by breaking down, I felt somehow close again. Took me ages to regain composure. Funny thing its happening again as I type this!