Best of British

[Big Boy]

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

[JD]

A very shy guy goes into a club and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks,tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says,

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, 200 pounds?"

[lindosfan1]

How To Shower Like a Woman


Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry

basket according to lights and darks.


Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.


If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed

areas.


Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make

mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.


Get in the shower.


Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,

wide loofah and pumice stone.


Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo

with 43 added vitamins.


Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.


Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner

enhanced.


Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for

10 minutes until red.


Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa

cake body wash.


Rinse conditioner off hair.


Shave armpits and legs.


Turn off shower.


Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.


Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.


Get out of shower.


Dry with towel the size of a small country.


Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.


Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel

on head.


If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed

areas.


How To Shower Like a Man


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed

and leave them in a pile.


Walk naked to the bathroom.


If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her

making the 'woo-woo' sound.


Look at your manly physique in the mirror.


Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.


Get in the shower.


Wash your face.


Wash your armpits.


Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse

them off.


Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.


Spend majority of time washing privates and

surrounding area.


Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on

the soap.


Wash your hair.


Make a Shampoo Mohawk..


Wee.


Rinse off and get out of shower.


Partially dry off.


Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was

hanging out of bath t he whole time.


Admire willy size in mirror again.


Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and

fan on..


Return to bedroom with towel around waist.


If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her

and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.


Throw wet towel on bed.


I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!


.

[Big Boy]

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.

The Redhead sighs and says 'Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.'

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says 'You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?'

The redhead replies: 'I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.'

The blonde says: .'Don't you have a vase!!!!!!

[Big Boy]

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'

The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you b#stard!'

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Why are women like clouds? eventually they pi#s off and its a really nice day

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A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bit#h.'

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I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

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Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.

Give just a small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's blo#dy hilarious....

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I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.

Bad Minton.

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Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.

The reply from his friend...... 'You're so bloody lucky... Mine's still alive...'

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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; 'Pi#s off, you won't bring it back.'

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2 Men in a pub one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.

'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'

'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes an epileptic'

[Big Boy]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?' He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an 'ID ten T' error before?'

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T ... I used to like the little shit...........

[Big Boy]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

**************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

**************************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

**************************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[Big Boy]

KNOW WHO YOU ARE

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, Pilates combined with the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...

'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, pickled pig's feet, or Tits. Anything else and you are undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you are a mincer. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non standard colours or different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. Real Men don't have enough memory to remember all of that crap. A real man only has enough memory to remember types of beer, engine capacities, their favourite sports teams players, and the names of porn stars. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is you're gay.

7. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are fond of a bit of bum fun.

8. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer

9. If you have a girl's name, or a name that could be mistake for a girl's name, like Kelly, Pat, Chris , Skye or Terry, then you probably like to play the pink piccolo.

10. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you definitely drop anchor in poo bay.

[Big Boy]

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and got some 'Nair' hair remover. At the register, the Chemist told her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.'

The lady said, 'I'm not using it under my arms.'

The druggist said 'If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days.'

The lady said, 'I'm not using it on my legs either; and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'

The Chemist said, 'In that case stay off your bicycle for a week.'

[Big Boy]

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

[santa]

Australian swimming commentator: His feet flex 20% more than the average, which effectively make them an extension of his legs.

[Big Boy]

Gordon Brown or Gordon the Useless One as he is known by some of his colleagues was looking for a lady of the night.

He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, 'I am the Prime Minister of England. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'

She replied, £200.'

To the brunette he asked the same question.

Her reply was £100.

He then asked the redhead

Her reply was, 'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of petrol, keep me warmer than it is in my flat and screw me the way you have Pensioners, then it isn't going to cost you a bloody penny!'

[Big Boy]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The Waitress asks for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a Coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. 'That will be $9.40 please,' she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out The exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries, and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount. For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.

'The usual?' asks the waitress.

No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,' says the man.

' Yep! Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would wish for a couple of million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'But, sir, what's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses, and replies, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

[Big Boy]

Gay Ray goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.'

Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?

Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice...'

Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'




Doc says, No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for.

[richard]

> Some doctor on tele this morning said that the way to achieve inner
> peace is to finish all the things you have started.

>
> So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished
> and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of chardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, thamainder of botProzic and Valumscriptins, the res of
> the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

> Yuhaf no idrwhawfkingud I fel. Peas sendisorn to demyu fee ar in
> nedovinrpece.