Jokes

[hhfarang]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid!
Just terrible, doctor!

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants abulgin' fiercely. With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again'.

[hhfarang]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady in a robe came out of her apartment next to the mailboxes.

The guy smiled at the young woman, and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment. I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded and a little hurt, she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day, and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered..."Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.

[Dawebo]

nice one hhfarang. that the best i've heard in quite while. have me on the floor

[hhfarang]

What's the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a prostitute with diarrhea?

[dtaai-maai]

Something to do with fits and shits, undoubtedly! - give us the punch line, you swine!

[hhfarang]

The corn farmer shucks between fits......

[hhfarang]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.

What's your name?', she asked.

He said: 'B. J. Tittengolf.'

[redzonerocker]

a man was lying in a hospital bed with 70% burns crying out in agony
on viewing this a nurse asked the doctor if there were anything she could give to the patient to ease his pain,

" give him 2 viagra tablets" the doctor said,

"will that ease the pain" the nurse replied a little surprised

"not really" said the doctor

"but it will help keep the sheets of his legs"

[Spitfire]

Why is a 'Wonder Bra' called a 'Wonder Bra'?

Edited by me

[hhfarang]

FIVE LITTLE PIGS

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, 'How will I know if they are pregnant?'

The other farmer replied, 'If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant If they're in the mud, they're not.'

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, 'Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.'

'Neither,' yelled his wife, 'they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.'