Best of British

[Big Boy]

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore this fabulous house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.

I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.'

[lindosfan1]

The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking.

A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!

85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower........ The other 15% haven't been to prison yet.

I'm really p*ssed off! Someone’s just crashed into my car in one of them new Skodas. There’s ****ing jam and sponge everywhere!

B'stards! Just been thrown out & barred from the local swimming baths because I had my Speedo trunks on! What I didn't know was the 'S' had come off the logo!!

Just bought a racehorse called 'My Face', It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming 'come on .. .My face!!'

I dunno what all the fuss is about this shark coming to Cornwall . It’s the first thing in ages that’s tried to get in this country that’s ****ing white !!

2 Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy that’s the best **** I've ever had, I wonder how the girls got on ?

If mothers Celebrate mothers day, fathers celebrate fathers day, lovers celebrate valentines day, do wankers celebrate palm sunday?

Paddy weighs 20st, so his doctor puts him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this for 2 weeks, you should loose 5lbs.' When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost 4st. 'That?s amazing the doc said'...Paddy nodded...'I'll tell you be Jesus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day.' 'What from hunger said the doc?'...'No from the ****ing skipping!'

Just popped home, caught the plumber screwing the dog! Can't believe the police won't do anything! They said the b'stard was corgi registered

Are you available to come to a charity pancake competition on Shrove Tuesday? The organisers have the pans and the ingredients they just need a tosser.

[lindosfan1]

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't. Mmmmmmm!!!


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Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.


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For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.


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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.


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Why are hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take
your house and car.


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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too
qualified for the job.
'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual experience in picking
lemons?'
'Well, as a matter of fact, yes!' she replied. 'I've been divorced three
times.'


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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'


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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the
check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward
looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like
to buy?'
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?


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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour
and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young
man, we're both 90 years old,' the husband said. 'We may not have 45
minutes.'
They were seated immediately.


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The reason parliamentarians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would
hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.


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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the
aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her
father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the
priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride
gave him back his credit card.

[Terry]

BANKING CRISIS HITS JAPAN


Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the
run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and
Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will
likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended
after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is
reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that
there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that
staff may get a raw deal.

[darwinian]

It seems that the Feng Shui Bznk will have to be re-positioned.

[Big Boy]

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

__________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
__________

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished ..
__________

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
__________

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happen s in every country, son.'
__________

Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'
__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
__________

'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man, to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death.'
__________

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man repl ies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.

[Big Boy]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied

[Big Boy]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache'.

'Perfect,' her husband said.'I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'

[Big Boy]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

[Big Boy]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

[Big Boy]

Charlie wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."

And he hands Charlie a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Charlie is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Charlie decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has his way with her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Charlie remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the fu*kin' dishes”

[Big Boy]

This will drive you crazy; you will become addicted -


http://www.matchpractice.com/game/

[Big Boy]

A man, getting on in years, finds that he is unable to perform in the bedroom. He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.

Finally, as a last resort, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, 'I can cure this.' With that said, he throws a white powder into a Flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then the African medicine man says, 'This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!'

The man then asks, 'What happens when it's over and I don't want to continue?'

The medicine man replies, 'When your partner can take no more and is completely exhausted, All she has to say is '1234' and it will then go down. But be warned, it will not rise again For another whole year.'

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves And smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife and says '123' And he feels a sudden movement in his trouser department, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks, 'What did you say '123' for?

[dtaai-maai]

His wife turns over and asks, 'What did you say '123' for?

[Big Boy]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'