Best of the Rest of the World

[(buffalo) Bill]

Subject: Praying
>
> A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
> going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long,
> long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and
> there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and
> after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving
> very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
>
> 'Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
>
> 'Morris Weismann,' he replied.
> ;
> 'Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?'
>
> 'For about 60 years.'
>
> '60 years! That's amazing! For what do you pray?'
>
> 'I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for
> all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to
> grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.'
>
> 'How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?
>
> 'Like I'm talking to a fucking wall.

[hhfarang]

Legal question:

Is this statutory rape or just a moosdemeanor?

[hhfarang]

MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy.

'Mr. Wallace,' she said 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

[(buffalo) Bill]

A very reverent, heavily bearded as usual, Hasidic man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room, they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.


When finished, the Hasid jumps up, runs over to the window takes a deep breath, runs through a door, comes back, jumps back into bed with the hooker and repeats the performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Hasid jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, runs through a door, comes back, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.
The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times.

During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So, when they are done, she jumps up, goes to the window, takes a deep breath, runs through the door, and finds . . .

The other nine members of the minyan!

[hhfarang]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!

[(buffalo) Bill]

> >> A foursome is waiting on the men's tee, while
> another foursome of ladies
> is hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time,
> when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball. She hacks the
> ball 10 feet, goes over and hacks it another 10 feet, then hacks it
> another 10 feet.
> >>
> >> She looks up the men, who are watching impatiently
> and
> says apologetically: "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this
> winter didn't help".
> >>
> >> One of the men immediately replies: "Well,
> you know, that appears to be
> your problem. You should have taken golf lessons instead".
> To this day, a memorial marker for him stands next to that tee.

[(buffalo) Bill]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'



'What a coincidence,' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer, as they clinked glasses he asked, 'What are you celebrating?'



'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer, 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs.'



'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.



The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!

[(buffalo) Bill]

Subject: COUNCIL HOUSE FAMILIES
>>>
>
>>>
>>> A new Council tax re-evaluation policy wants to charge us more if we
>>> live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us
>>> who live in rough areas. There is a huge council house in our
>>> street. The extended family is run by a Grumpy old woman with a
>>> pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't
>>> even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing. Her bad
>>> tempered old man is notorious for racist comments. A shopkeeper
>>> blames him for ordering the murder of his son and His son's
>>> girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet. All their kids have
>>> broken marriages except the youngest, who Everyone thought was gay.
>>> Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out
>>> partying in Nightclubs. They are out of control. Honestly - who'd
>>> live near Windsor Castle?

[(buffalo) Bill]

> It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards! 2003'
> > For those unfamiliar with
> > these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella
> > Liebeck, who
> > spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the
> > McDonald's in New Mexico
> > where she purchased the coffee.
> >
> > You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it
> > between her
> > knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could
> > get burned doing
> > that, right?
> > These are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and
> > verdicts in the U.S.
> > You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your
> > head. So keep your
> > head scratcher handy. Here are the Stella's for the
> > past year:
> >
> > 7TH PLACE :
> > Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000
> > by a jury of her
> > peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler
> > who was running
> > inside a furniture store. The store owners were
> > understandably surprised
> > by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her
> > own son.
> > ========================= ========================> =============
> > 6TH PLACE :
> > Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California - you k new
> > California had to
> > be in the list somewhere, right? - who won $74,000 plus
> > medical expenses
> > when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
> > Truman
> > apparently didn't notice there was someone at the
> > wheel of the car when he was
> > trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
> > ;
> > Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.
> > ========================= ========================= ==
> > 5TH PLACE :
> > Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania was leaving
> > a house he had
> > just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for
> > Dickson, the
> > automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could
> > not get the garage door
> > to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house
> > because the door connecting
> > the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it
> > shut. Forced to subsist
> > for eight - count 'em, EIGHT! - days on a case of
> > Pepsi and a large bag
> > of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance
> > company claiming
> > undue m ental anguish.
> > Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay
> > Dickson $500,000
> > for his anguish.
> >
> > We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep
> > scratching, there are
> > more...
> > ========================= ========================> ================
> > 4TH PLACE :
> > Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th
> > place in the
> > Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical
> > expenses after being
> > bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's
> > beagle - even though the
> > beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
> > Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the
> > jury believed
> &g t; the beagle might have be en provoked at the time of the
> > butt bite because
> > Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and
> > repeatedly shot the
> > dog with a pell et gun.
> >
> > Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.
> > ========================= ========================= ==
> > 3RD PLACE :
> > Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania , because a
> > jury ordered a
> > Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she
> > slipped on a
> > spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone (coccyx). The
> > reason the soft
> > drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her
> > boyfriend 30
> > seconds earlier during an argument.
> > What ever happened t o people being responsible for their
> > own actions?
> > Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only
> > two more Stellas to go...
> >
> > ========================= ========================= ==
> > 2ND PLACE :
> > Kara Walton, of Claymont , Dela ware , sued the owner of
> > a night club in
> > a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window
> > to the floor,
> > knocking out her two front teeth.
> > Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the
> > ladie s room window
> > to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said
> > the night club had to
> > pay her $12,000.....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go
> > figure.
> >
> > ========================= ====== =================== ==
> > 1ST PLACE :
> > This year's runaway 1st place Stella Award winner
> > was Mrs. Merv
> > Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma who purchased a
> > new 32-foot Winnebago motor
> > home.
> > On her first trip home, from an OU football game, no
> > less, having driven on
> > to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and
> > calm ly left the
> > driver's seat t o go to the back of the Winnebago to
> > make herself a
> > sandwich. Not surprisingly, t he motor home left the
> > freeway, crashed and
> > overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued
> > Winnebago for not
> > putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't
> > actually leave the driver's
> > &nb sp; seat while the cruise control was set.
> > The Oklahoma jury awarded her - you are sitting down,
> > right? $1,750,000
> > PLUS
> > a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their
> > manuals as a result of
> > this suit, just incase Mrs.. Grazinski has any relatives
> > who might also
> > buy a motor home.
> >
> > Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...or what?

[(buffalo) Bill]

This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in awhile...
Someone out there
is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

[(buffalo) Bill]

Old men may walk slow BUT they think F A S T
> >
> > An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large
> property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks
> where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed
> up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables
> placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
> >
> > One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
> dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a
> ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he
> heard voices shouting and laughing with glee As he came closer he saw
> it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the
> women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
> >
> > One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not
> coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down
> here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam
> naked.'
> > Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to
> feed the crocodile.'

[hhfarang]

Pregnant Turkey

Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her servi ng spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!'

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!

[hhfarang]

Try this Thanksgiving game. It starts slow and easy but don't stop, it gets faster and harder the more turkeys you shoot. The game ends when enough of them get away so try to get them all!

I got a score of 8024 on my first go...

http://www.southbank-design.co.uk/turkeyshoot/index.htm

[hhfarang]

An example of how the U.S. Congress works (or doesn't?):

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said,

- "Someone may steal from it at night."

So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said,

- "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said,

- "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said,

- "How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people. Then Congress said,

- "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said,

- "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

[Nereus]

Indeed!