Best of British

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Sat Dec 19, 2009 1:05 am

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing..'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: ; 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Calle r: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power.......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Sat Dec 19, 2009 1:05 am

Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Sat Dec 19, 2009 1:06 am

Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, c an you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Sat Dec 19, 2009 1:06 am

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK.. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Sat Dec 19, 2009 1:07 am

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Sat Dec 19, 2009 1:07 am

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Sat Dec 19, 2009 1:08 am

Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Sat Dec 19, 2009 1:08 am

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Sat Dec 19, 2009 1:09 am

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Sat Dec 19, 2009 1:09 am

Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Sat Dec 19, 2009 1:10 am

Call centre conversations

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Sat Dec 19, 2009 1:11 am

This really brought a tear to my eye and I had to share it with you.

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today

Dear Lions Bay School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to fuck off.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Edna

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Sat Dec 19, 2009 1:12 am

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of
humour.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo
clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Sat Dec 19, 2009 1:13 am

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas ?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year.... Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves... And begin to sing: ?What A. Friend We Have In Jesus.? Then we all go to the Bahamas ."

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Sat Dec 19, 2009 1:13 am

YO BRO.......
>
>
>
> A twin-engine plane has one of its engines fail, altitude and air speed are rapidly decreasing.
>
> The pilot speaks over the intercom.
>
> 'I'm sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately we're gonna have to jettison baggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne.'
>
> Baggage is thrown out, but the plane's speed continues to decrease.
> Again the pilot gets on the intercom.
> 'I hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to start off-loading passengers.
>
> The only fair way to do it is alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'.
>
> 'Africans, any Africans on board?'
>
> No one answers
>
> 'Ok then, 'B'.
>
> Black people, any black people?'
>
> Again, silence.
>
> 'C' - Coloured people, any Coloured people on board?
>
> Silence.
>
> A little black boy in the back turns to his mother.
> 'But Mom, aren't we African?, aren't we Black? Aren't we Coloured?'
>
> 'Yes son, but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggas.
> Let dem Mexicans and Muslims go first.'