Best of British

[(buffalo) Bill]

> > Since his little affairs have come to light, several of Tiger Woods'
> > sponsors have dropped him.
> >
> > However, Pfizer has decided to sponsor him.
> >
> > They are making a new drug called Tiagra. It's good for 18 holes.

[(buffalo) Bill]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats
and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A
Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from
"Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the
Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years..

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the
country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has
increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate
Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations"
and "Change Sides.."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their
allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".
Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty
teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime
Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which
is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be right, mate". Two more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I
think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is
cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final
escalation level.

[(buffalo) Bill]

THE SCOUSER AND THE GAY MAN

It was coming to the end of the day and sat in his tiny near deserted local pub in Liverpool was a scouser. He was having a few beers as usual when a short well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards the scouser and whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

The Scouser leaped up with fire in his eyes knocked the gay man off his stool and smacked the shit out of him. He dragged him out of the bar and left him bruised and battered in the car park and returned to his seat at the bar.

Not entirely amazed at what just happened the barman quickly brought over another beer to the scouser and said, "I've never seen you react as badly as that before.

What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the scouser replied. "Something about a job."*

[(buffalo) Bill]

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was st arting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear end and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends........ it will be their Laugh for the day.

[(buffalo) Bill]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he
shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.




'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the
world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[Big Boy]

The Three Little Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner..

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"


The third piggy says -


"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

[Big Boy]

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I said to her. 'Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.

Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, Sky, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the PS3, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!

*.....I ALMOST DIED!!!

[Big Boy]

ZEN TEACHINGS

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.

Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.

Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.

In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.


2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.


3. No one is listening until you fart.


4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.


5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.


7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.


8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.


9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.


11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.


12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.


13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.


14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.


15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.


16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.


17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.


18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, get slapped on our arse ... then things just keep getting worse.


20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[Big Boy]

A woman who was beaten black and blue, goes to the doctor.

Doctor: What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later she returns to the doctor, and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman: "Doc, That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea and gargled and nothing happened."

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"

[Big Boy]

Prime Minister Gordon Brown and Lord (Mandy) Mandelson are sitting in a pub. A bloke walks in and asks the landlord, 'Isn't that Brown and Mandy sitting over there?'

The Landlord says, 'Yes, that's them. '

So the bloke walks over and says, "What are you two doing in here, shouldn't you be in London fixing the economy? "

Brown says, "No, We're doing a much more important job, we're planning World War III."

The bloke says, "Really ? What's going to happen?"

Mandy says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits. "

The bloke exclaimed,"A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Mandy turns to Brown and says, "See, I told you, no one will give a shit about the 140 million Muslims. "

[Big Boy]

This is the proof that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Question:

Are you Male or female?

To find out the answer, Look down....



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Look down, not scroll down!!!

[Khundon1975]

Why I fired my Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.


My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my sec retary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday !
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered..

I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me?
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
do we ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there....

On the couch...

Bollock naked

[Khundon1975]

Have You Ever Danced?



An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance, -- just never wanted to.'

A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied.

When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back.

The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands..

The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'

The boy bully swallowed hard and said, 'No.. But I've always wanted to.'

There are two lessons for us all:



Don't waste ammunition and don't f*** with old people.

[Khundon1975]

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD


Well, it's shit... That's right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
And tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
Between shit and shinola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit or step in shit.
Shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,

And some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit,
And there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, or not enough shit.
The right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit,
Or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes, even your breath smells like shit

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit
And other times you fall in a bucket of shit
And come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit,
You don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit;
Or not do so, if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go.

Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit
And hope you had a nice day without a bunch of shit..

But, if you happened to catch a load of shit
From some shit-head...........

Well, Shit Happens!!!

HOPE YOUR SHITTY DAYS ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN


Oh shit, I almost forgot, some days you can't shit! They are the worst.

[Khundon1975]

A young couple wanted to join the church and the pastor
told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You
must abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When
the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the
husband was obviously very depressed.

'You are back so soon...is there a problem?' the pastor inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required
month,' the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was
unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.
One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome

with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over
an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in
our church.'

'We know,' said the young man, hanging his head. 'We're not welcome at HomePro either.'