How do you manage your Thai extended family?

[PeteC]

This is not necessarily about your Thai wife and kids, but primarily about your extended Thai family and how you go about handling the burden of being the resident farang and the man with the money, most of the time.

All of us get hit for something from time to time and it's a very delicate diplomatic chore to decide what to do, made especially hard if the wife is leaning towards granting the request.

Over time everyone finds out who the broken records are who come knocking every few months, and in those cases I think most of our wives side with us and put the phone down either gently or with a slam.

It's the cases of the infrequent request where you have to decide if legitimate, or if it's simply the beginning of another broken record relationship.

I personally am a soft touch, after an episode of genuine bluster, and if the explanation and cause are reasonable, I'll try to help. I get gun shy though as in the past this (in my mind) was apparently seen as weakness and yep sure enough, the bell rang again needing something not too long afterward and things had to get quite nasty to make them understand we're not a bank.

However, I'm not sure things got nasty because our Thai wives are perhaps trying to protect us...their lifeline...or things get nasty because we don't understand the Thai concept of 'family', and the extended family think it is quite reasonable and the responsibility of the one with the most to take care of those with less? Is that concept clear? They I assume have accepted us into the family so why shouldn't they treat us like any other member, Thai or foreign if we have achieved top status. Top status he says? Is that heartfelt or financial?

I've had three Thai extended families in my lifetime and unfortunately I have to say I've experienced degrees of the above with all of them, and to a small degree remain confused. There may be no exact approach to this but I can say several times for many years, of different families, I've asked the question, "do they like me for me or for what I can give...." I've never gotten an open answer, just eyes down and a subject change. Such is the life of us farangs I guess. Pete

[hhfarang]

Pete, I think that's somewhere between cynical and true. I helped my extended family a lot (as in my wife's brothers and sisters) when I was in the U.S. earning a good wage and could afford it, but I made it clear to all of them (through my wife) that once I retired I could not help them any more as I would have a pension of just enough to live. I still support my mother-in-law at only 6000 per month, but that's the extent of it and they all know it. I simply cannot afford to give them handouts any more.

They all seem to understand and we have a very good relationship. I think the goal should be to let them know what to expect and be realistic about it. Once they understand that you are not an ATM or the place to go in an emergency, they can live their lives as if they don't have a farang in the family... at least that's been the case for me.

[PeteC]

Yeah, the cynical and true are probably always there between the lines for me HHF. Perhaps the title should be "How does your extended Thai family manage you"? Thanks for being open about your experiences. Let's see if more do the same as the info is not only interesting for comparison, but invaluable for those just starting off in this game. Pete

[richard]

I made it very clear up front that I was a pensioner and had family to support in the UK.

No probs. Just a glass of beer and a fag and they are happy enough

Guess it is a problem if you are soft hearted and the wife is in persuasive mode. Easy to do but once you do the flood gates are open

[Spitfire]

For me, it's down to the idleness or uselessness factor. If they are a waste of space and do sweet FA, then that's what they can expect from me, if not, then it'll be entertained on a small level, I'm not Harry Potter with a magic wand, not even close to retire either. The wife's folks are OK, no dramas, mostly take care of themselves with the odd reasonable request, fine. Anyone else, then it had better be good and no wasters, which isn't any different than if I was anywhere else. This is one of the only powers we have, up to you where the stop signs are.

[PeteC]

No, the wife believe it or not, is not that persuasive. It's usually me who is more curious and tries to shoot holes in their argument.

Regardless, I'm really trying to get down to Thai family acceptance, if we really are, and the reasons for it, yes or no.

Look at what's going on in Bangkok. The supreme Army commander has refused to use force stating, "...we're all Thais...". Is that a ploy to emerge in good shape no matter what the conclusion is?

The same applies to us as members of a Thai family. Are they sincere about their feelings, or just a ploy to get what they can from us as we are not Thais? Perhaps the endless debate. Pete

[Super Joe]

No probs. Just a glass of beer and a fag and they are happy enough
Guess it is a problem if you are soft hearted and the wife is in persuasive mode. Easy to do but once you do the flood gates are open

Would you 'class' yourself as tight even by Yorkies standards ?

And secondly, would you take the extended family along to one of your freebee meals, bearing in mind the additional wear and tear to you FS1E brake pads ?

SJ

[TypicallyTropical]

I solved this issue easily with my Taiwanese wife, she gets a monthly allowance and she can do whatever she wants to do with that money. I'm off limit to her family and it works well for us.

[STEVE G]

To put things into perspective, I understand that the wealthier Thai part of my partners extended family, those that have made some money down in Bangkok get more demands for money than I do.

[E-Dork]

Spitfire said...

For me, it's down to the idleness or uselessness factor. If they are a waste of space and do sweet FA, then that's what they can expect from me, if not, then it'll be entertained on a small level,

I think this is exactly how you should manage your extended family. End of.

My wifes folks run a few fish farms in Bangkok. We go up once a month and enjoy life in the sticks. Grandad will come and collect us on the riverboat as no access by road. A couple of months ago I surprised them with 20,000 as I'd had a good month (not in terms of money but enjoyment!) and they were over the moon. They work bloody hard up there and dad takes care of 9 children plus 8 of his childrens children!! I don't give anything on a month by month basis and they don't expect or ask for anything. The folks also know that come unexpected events (funerals, theft of fish, etc.) I will more often than not help, even though they don't ask for it. Once gave 'em 10,000 at the funeral of the dad's brother and a couple of months later the dad came up to me with the 10,000 as he assumed it was to be paid back, he was chuffed that he didn't have to.

No-one in the family has ever asked for money but to not give them anything at all is just downright cheap, and also rude as a Thai husband will most of the time give whatever he can to the in-laws so why shouldn't a farang, it's part of the culture.

[charlesh]

Marry into a good Thai family!!
I have never been asked for money however have voluntarily given birthday presents recently!

[MrPlum]

Marry into a good Thai family!!
I have never been asked for money however have voluntarily given birthday presents recently!

When the Thai g/f goes to her village, she takes fresh fish and crab from Takiap, shirts I bought on impulse and regretted and a few baht to treat the family. They've never asked me for money.

Beyond that, I've lent cash to others and it never comes back. We've absolutely learned our lesson.

Until the next request.

[E-Dork]

Here is the unofficial 'classing' scale to give new in-laws an idea of what to expect from their new son in law.

Your new son in law is a ........

Politician: A new house will be on the cards for you lucky guys. He will throw you a lump of shares for you to re - sell at a very tidy little profit. Many thousands of baht will be coming your way monthly. Well Done you have just hit the jackpot.

High Earner: Initiall Dowry will be in the hundreds of thousands for you. Payments on the mortgage can be handed over to this fellow with a little encouragement and lump sum for your new salon business is a go you fortunate mummy. Daddy, you can start thinking about that nice car you always wanted aswell. Congratulations.

Average Joe: This guy is a nice fellow who always brings things with him when he visits. Initial dowry money was good but don't expect that kind of money to be thrown around with this guy. Those little renovations on your house you've wanted done since 1902 can finally get done. You may also get a tidy little sum of 5-10,000 baht a month (equivalent) off this young man and he will take care of your lttle girl for you. Not a bad catch.

Thai Labourer: This chap has got your daughter pregnant and decided to marry. Expect a few problems coming your way but ultimately he will take care of your daughter to a certain degree. He has a house he shares with 12 other family members so your little girl will never end up on the streets. That 1000 baht a month coming from this chappy will mean you never have to worry about those electric bills again! As long as your daughters happy eh!

Drug Addict: You will recieve no money from this guy and sometimes he will crash at your house.




I would put myself in the average Joe pile.

Richard said.....

No probs. Just a glass of beer and a fag

What class do your in-laws have you down for then sir?

[crazy88]

I have heard many stories from friends of extended family of spouses holding out their hands with ludicrous excuses as to why they need it. Certainly not confined to Thailand although it does seem more common here. Also seen the whole family move into the new home and treat it as their own, usually badly. One thing I do admire is the sense of family loyalty. IMHO it is stronger than in the UK in most cases.

Crazy 88

[kendo]

IMHO it is stronger than in the UK in most cases.
I totally agree with that Crazy, my Thai extended family is huge 10 houses on the same soi and others all over the village, i really dont mind if people want to drink and eat with me i love to get the village headmen pissed up, last november i struck a deal with them that mine would be the next soi to get a concreate road i think with family it does not take long to work out who the lazzy gits are that dont want to do anything these one get nothing from me, and if they do come around looking for a freebee my wife quickly dispatches them in another direction.
More than 2 years ago my wifes stepfather passed away she lent money to her brothers all payed back except one lazzy one, the next year my wife gave him warning that she was coming back for a month, and to have the money ready about 3000 baht but this never happened, so last year we gave him warning that we would both be up the village for a month and to have the money ready on our arrival still not one baht, so it took some bags of rice off him instead as it was harvest time he really was not happy about this and protested to my wife so on my instruction she told him "You have had more than two years to pay this money back but all you do every night is drink whisky Thai and play bowls all night and sleep all day Ken drives cranes 48 hours a week and drives a van doing courier work too and i work in a pub restaurant 30 hours a week we work hard for what we have" now this brother avoids me now and that suits me but in general the family are good we dont really get asked for anything except my old clothes from the U.K as i do have good tastes
Kendo.