Bowel Movements - Firm, soft, sloppy or liquid?
Gosh big boy..you seem to be an educated gent..living in the uk and have the odd holiday in Hua hin..mmnnn.. why are ou not living here ??Big Boy wrote:blue nose wrote:
I don't have to, you've already done ityou can say i'm a prude, no sense of humour
There's plenty to be read about Hua Hin - most of it is very useful. If you don't like the lighthearted bits, simply move on to the next thread.
.I left the Uk in 82..been in asia ever since..crapped in every country you can think of out here......prude i'm not and if you had read my post correctly you would see that...but you have your home counties sneer at anything that goes against your up bringing of toilet humour...guess thats why the UK is going down the toilet fast.....?
And bye the way..bluenose is a footballing term.......try North of the border.......
Ok kids, before this turns into a big "shitfight" excuse the pun, this is the Foo section ... an area for light hearted banter that is largely unmoderated so in essence anything goes ... if you cant take the stink, get out of the shitter.
Sorry
Sorry
Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed? - Hunter S Thompson
-
Perente
- Specialist
- Posts: 139
- Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2005 7:04 pm
- Location: Flat out in the mid-day sun, Hua Hin
BTW I seem to remember, and it is late at night so I will stand corrected, that each day the average human ( so that lets me out ) inhales approximately 14 litres of other peoples fart gas. Thank God we're not all on a beans and cauliflower diet !!! 
Good night.
P.S. I will admit that a good window rattler that scares the dog out of the house just as you're going to sleep really does let the missus know how much you like her cooking !!!!
Good night.
P.S. I will admit that a good window rattler that scares the dog out of the house just as you're going to sleep really does let the missus know how much you like her cooking !!!!
If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space.
JockeyJockey wrote:Hey Blue Nose - mibbe yer jist sulkin' cos' yer team wur shoite aw season an ye'v seen enough shoite this year?blue nose wrote:
And bye the way..bluenose is a footballing term.......try North of the border.......
I assume you are part of the 'Wee free " from Skye and English is your second language. We certainly don't talk like that in Glasgow so please translate your post for the beefit of those whose English is their native tongue ?
blue nose wrote:
blue nose also wrote:
Guys, we didn't realise it.........we've got a GrandShoiteMaster in our midst.
I just didn't realise from your previous posting that you were so full of shoite.
Maybe you can share some of your worldly shoite stories with us eg:
* What foods in what countries give the best textures?
* How many times have you called for a damp, only to find that you're farting lumps?
* How many times have you had to hide those skid marks from the little lady?
* etc etc
We've all done it, but I bet you've done it better.
c'mon blue please share your experiences with the rest of the board........you know you want to.
Welcome back, its good know to that you didn't find it that disgusting..........you just had to have another look.Having joined this site to find out about Hua hin I find this topic rather juvenile and if i'm honest , rather low class.
blue nose also wrote:
.I left the Uk in 82..been in asia ever since..crapped in every country you can think of out here
Guys, we didn't realise it.........we've got a GrandShoiteMaster in our midst. 
I just didn't realise from your previous posting that you were so full of shoite.
Maybe you can share some of your worldly shoite stories with us eg:
* What foods in what countries give the best textures?
* How many times have you called for a damp, only to find that you're farting lumps?
* How many times have you had to hide those skid marks from the little lady?
* etc etc
We've all done it, but I bet you've done it better.
c'mon blue please share your experiences with the rest of the board........you know you want to.
I'm sorry for you big boy....your life must suck bigtime to post this nonsense......I'd apply for asylum in the Uk If I were you..they take almost anyone these days....Big Boy wrote:blue nose wrote:Welcome back, its good know to that you didn't find it that disgusting..........you just had to have another look.Having joined this site to find out about Hua hin I find this topic rather juvenile and if i'm honest , rather low class.
blue nose also wrote:.I left the Uk in 82..been in asia ever since..crapped in every country you can think of out here
I just didn't realise from your previous posting that you were so full of shoite.
Maybe you can share some of your worldly shoite stories with us eg:
* What foods in what countries give the best textures?
* How many times have you called for a damp, only to find that you're farting lumps?
* How many times have you had to hide those skid marks from the little lady?
* etc etc
We've all done it, but I bet you've done it better.
c'mon blue please share your experiences with the rest of the board........you know you want to.
What was this posting about?
I know it’s the FOO (Moderators don’t come here) section but think this is turning to the nasty side. So can some one get some Imodium and let it take effect and block this passage.
And I thought irreverence did not have a point, if it did then surly it stops being irreverent?
And some if the information was interesting on and I certainty helped be drop of to sleep zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I know it’s the FOO (Moderators don’t come here) section but think this is turning to the nasty side. So can some one get some Imodium and let it take effect and block this passage.
And I thought irreverence did not have a point, if it did then surly it stops being irreverent?
And some if the information was interesting on and I certainty helped be drop of to sleep zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Bond: "Who are you?"
Pussy: "My name is Pussy Galore."
Bond: (pause) "I must be dreaming..."
Pussy: "My name is Pussy Galore."
Bond: (pause) "I must be dreaming..."
Maybe it is irrelevant as to whether irreverence has a point but one thing I do know is that turds do have a point:
Guess wrote:For Jaime's research.
Output this morning.
Two logs with the consistency of London Clay. One about 23 cm x 4 cm diameter and the other about 15 cm x 3 cm. Both pointed at one end and rounded at the other.
Jamie - This is probibly not too helpful with your studies, but I hope you may find some of it amusing. I received this info via e-mail today:
The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It’s rare, but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper’s tolerance and is the result of too many beers; doesn’t matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the heads for days. Naked flames are ill advised.
The Chilli Dump (a.k.a. the Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. This dump makes the bowl look like Hiroshima (after the bomb), it stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle’s heat shield. Also makes your ass look like ‘a Japanese Flag’.
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you’ve finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask ‘where are the curtains?’ Use the mat? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every ‘empty roll dumper’ must face…..pull yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt tail or one of your socks.
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you’re wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you’ll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming ‘Matelot dies trying to hatch monster loaf!’ There are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call a midwife
3. Hope to fuck Jules has left some Vaseline behind the formica.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilised when adjacent traps are in use. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquillity like machine gun fire. The poor twat in the trap 1 hits the deck thinking it's another friendly fire incident - fuckin' spams!
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but it's families day and relatives are within earshot. So you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Drop loose change on the floor
3. Sing the first two verses of "Aladdin and his Lamp"
The Cling-On Dump
You’ve finished but there’s one fucking morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a tinned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors..
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn’t enough. You get through the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you’ve done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the bathroom when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores..
The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes, as you can guarantee that if you don’t, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
15 Easy Steps to Poo like a Woman:
1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain may be caused whilst waiting to get home.
2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by your boyfriend / husband. Also wipe his pubic hair off the seat with some toilet paper.
3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.
4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).
5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash-back.
6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat over the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.
7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.
8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with any faeces.
9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per roll).
10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the paper.
11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch the footie.
12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.
13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.
14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.
15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.
15 Easy Steps to Poo like a Man:
1. Select reading material (can be anything except a Porn-mag; tried by every man once, but never repeated - see step 4).
2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.
5. Open reading material and relax.
6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.
9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of any irregularities to report to oppos and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts, etc. You must tell people about it.
10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the pan.
11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.
12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the loo.
13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later).
14. Wash your hands once.
15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It’s rare, but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper’s tolerance and is the result of too many beers; doesn’t matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the heads for days. Naked flames are ill advised.
The Chilli Dump (a.k.a. the Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. This dump makes the bowl look like Hiroshima (after the bomb), it stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle’s heat shield. Also makes your ass look like ‘a Japanese Flag’.
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you’ve finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask ‘where are the curtains?’ Use the mat? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every ‘empty roll dumper’ must face…..pull yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt tail or one of your socks.
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you’re wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you’ll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming ‘Matelot dies trying to hatch monster loaf!’ There are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call a midwife
3. Hope to fuck Jules has left some Vaseline behind the formica.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilised when adjacent traps are in use. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquillity like machine gun fire. The poor twat in the trap 1 hits the deck thinking it's another friendly fire incident - fuckin' spams!
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but it's families day and relatives are within earshot. So you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Drop loose change on the floor
3. Sing the first two verses of "Aladdin and his Lamp"
The Cling-On Dump
You’ve finished but there’s one fucking morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a tinned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors..
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn’t enough. You get through the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you’ve done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the bathroom when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores..
The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes, as you can guarantee that if you don’t, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
15 Easy Steps to Poo like a Woman:
1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain may be caused whilst waiting to get home.
2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by your boyfriend / husband. Also wipe his pubic hair off the seat with some toilet paper.
3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.
4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).
5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash-back.
6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat over the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.
7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.
8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with any faeces.
9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per roll).
10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the paper.
11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch the footie.
12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.
13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.
14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.
15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.
15 Easy Steps to Poo like a Man:
1. Select reading material (can be anything except a Porn-mag; tried by every man once, but never repeated - see step 4).
2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.
5. Open reading material and relax.
6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.
9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of any irregularities to report to oppos and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts, etc. You must tell people about it.
10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the pan.
11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.
12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the loo.
13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later).
14. Wash your hands once.
15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.