Sargeants humour thread

[sargeant]

My fantastic lady seems to be on a roll
Riding normal bike run today I was leading and heard a disgruntled snort followed by the word bullshit
I slowed and waited for her to pull alongside
My dearest love of my life what exactely have i done which has obviously climbed up your bottom
not you sirry the sign says 4 KMs i know all thai signs are bullshit

This afternoon we went fishing down the river (had a glut of worms over the road) we had been fishing for an hour or so (she had caught the biggest and the most again ) but we were being pestered by small fish how they can strip the worms of the hook without swallowing the hook beats any logic i can think of
Anyway wife gets a bite strikes and reals in and announces Ha Ha i win
you havent caught a fish my sweetest cherub sayeth aye how can you win
I got my worm back

[sargeant]

I just read Maj Bloodnoks thread about the ladies

I would just love to hear the ladies take, on us males as well on this thread i am sure there are some hilarious ones out there

so come on girls lets be having your storys

[traveller2]

Congratulations on your wedding anniversary Sarge, may you have many more.

[traveller2]

I must admit i am with the thread title so if anyone comes up with something better I would be happy to see it changed.

Mods, could you change the title of this thread to 'The funny side of marriage in Thailand', to save Sarges blushes, thanks.

Sarge, I apologise for the title.

t2

[sargeant]

Hi T2
my missus speaks excellent english and has learnt a fair few squaddie bits of vernacular from my goodself
anyway this morning at 0400 hrs she got up and started cooking for her merit with the monks

no problem

i arose at 0605 and on my eyes closed ish way to a coffe and fag outside my back door i noticed the fridge freezer was doors agape and empty

at 0830 ish i was just about comfortable on my settee and about to get updated on the olympics when a voice from the kitchen said
"dabe (dave) can you come here"
Being an inteligent SOB i deduced immediately fridge freezer
Quick thinking was required
I rushed to the kitchen and said "Yes darling do you want sex" no she said i got something for you to do
"Sorry dear but when you call me dave you always want sex call me Paw Bahn handyman taxie driver or just ATM if you need me for anything particular"
I strode of to my settee and had just reclined when a sweet cherubic gentle but strident voice said

"hey fat bassa move you lazy ass in here and clean the fridge"

serves me right i taught her to think quick as well

[Terry]

............. "Yes darling do you want sex" no she said i got something for you to do ................

Just spewed tea all over my keyboard ...........brilliant

[traveller2]

You obviously taught her well.

The more I hear about your wife, the more I like her. (Not in a Pervy way though)

It sounds like she shares your humour, perhaps it's rubbed off on her?

Has she taught you anything yet?

How was the anniversary, did you do anything special?

T2

[lindosfan1]

Sarge I cannot stop laughing classic

[sargeant]

Have you ever looked at your PC and wondered if there is a different world inside
Do you feel there is a certain space in the universe that you are not part off
Well this is a post that never happened
Written by a person who does not exist
Posted at some time long in the future

True Honest CinC Fla and his ADC Lla Told me

This post is posted under strict Forum PC rules
A certain poster (that means work it out yourself) posted a thread called something or other it was posted in FOO
It consisted of 4 Four photos now the first three were quite obviously people that I know were well into the herbal in the sixties and most certainly have lived alternative lifestyles. Granted most of the herbal was smoked but never mind it does not seem to bother some what orifice it goes in as long as its herbal. Well not according to the unmentionable anyway
The 4 four photos certainly seem to be a warning against herbal and alternative lifestyle as I agree with the unmentionable they look RRRRRuuuuuuffffff

But photo number 4 puzzled me I seemed to recognise him I just could not understand why the unmentionable OP would put a self portrait in the mix then I realised it was cliff a dead ringer for the unmentionable OP who looks just as ill as cliff and the three coffin dodgers every time I have met him/her

Warning do not drink the cool aid even if it is alternative or herbal

[sargeant]

My fantastic wife asks me at least once a month “dabe you think I take care you good or not”

I always reply “sweetcheeks you take care perfick just like you did when you were my caddy”

Last month same question and same reply

Today she asked me what I wanted for lunch
“a German sausage OR egg on toast” I replied Notice the emphasis on OR

15 mins later I received lunch a German sausage AND egg on toast

Love of my life I asked for one not both

that’s not taking care very good is it

“ Same same when I caddie you want seven iron I give you six I know what you need better than you”
“why give me six and not seven” I asked

“easy you always think you can hit far more than you can”

I am not silly I wont ask how that system works in the bedroom

[sargeant]

this morning i had come home after my bicycle ride showered and was just about halfway into a mug of tea
My wife was outside sweeping the street our patch is cleaner than an operating theatre god knows why but its her thing
I heard a loud call from sweetcheeks
"Dabe you got a big one" at first i felt quite proud then shocked it was shouted from the middle of the street
"come here you got a big one " she called
I moved my butt with chest puffed out to see her in the street pointing at the roof
"darling i said its all very well telling everybody i have a big one but you should tell them i need a viagra to get it kickstarted
"No stoopid you got a big F**K"
Now thats going to far i thought then i realised what was going down
I grow vegetables and the green marrow looking thing is called a F**K i had almost give up on them and believed all my flowers were gay
anyway it was 1.3 kilos and we are having it for tea tonight

[traveller2]

Good job you've got a sense of humour Sarge. Sounds like your wife keeps you well entertained, I would be giggling all day at the double non-tendre's (spelling?).

[sargeant]

Went to Tescos today and nearly past on talk about a close call

as normal in we go me and sweetcheeks me pushing trolley like any good slave (actually it was holding me up)

as per normal saw an opening she wasnt looking and of i went to the porno section

5 minutes ogling and fondling the nice shaped TOOLs and then got a chill up my spine something was up she had not dragged me away

I gave the Jigsaw a swift cuddle stroked the disc grinder and of in persuit i went

I looked hither then tried thither and then saw her unmistakable sweetcheeks

Immediately a chill ran down my spine even in the air con i felt my mouth dry up and my hands and face were coming all over in a cold sweat my knees nearly buckled

she was looking at baby clothes

I stumbled to a vacant chair feeling very feint and sat down

Whos wrong says sweetcheeks

are you up the spout says eye or are you just broody we cant have babys yet say eye

I want that nice pink one for our cat says sweetcheeks

For gods sake wench you nearly killed me i was having another heart attack
and anyway the cats a tomcat not a girl and nooooooowwwaaaaayyy are you dressing HIM up like a girls blouse

[richard]

Laugh?

[sargeant]

I see you did not get it maybe thats why its called sargeants humour thread and not richards

i thought it was hilarious after a few beta blockers and some deep breathing to slow down my pulse and heartbeat

then i realised that i could have added nanny & Daddy to odd job man, poo bahn, ATM, gardener, provider, fisherman, taxi driver, builder, plumber, electrician, carpenter, seamstress, cook, bottle washer, and all round potentate and the many other duties i fullfill and felt a very proud 65 year old

being a dad at my age is just not on the agenda i am far too busy

oh and i nearly forgot defender of my CATs Masculinity

edited to add sweetcheeks observation i missed out TV watcher and settee presser