Etiquette and behaviour differences in relationships

[dtaai-maai]

I was looking at the 'up to you' thread last night and it got me thinking about the (many) differences between my relationship with my wife here and previous relationships in the UK.

My general situation is that we have been together for almost nine years. I'm happy, she's happy and problems between us are few and far between.
That in itself is one major difference!

However, when I stop and think about it, there are so many aspects of our life together here that are different from my experience of (quite a few ) relationships in the 'West'. Some of them may be specific to us, but most are probably quite common. We'll see.

1. Behaviour in company or in public.
Probably a bit more 'restrained' here.
Limited physical contact.
Wouldn't dream of talking about the more intimate aspects of our relationship, and certainly not our sex life.

2. We spend a lot of time in the together in the house, but often in different rooms. (I can't abide the sound of Thai TV, spend a lot of time on my computer and have a 32" TV as my monitor.)
We don't often eat together because we (usually) eat different things at different times.

3. Judging from so many posts and threads on here, this might be unusual, but I've never had a relationship with the level of mutual trust that has developed between us.

4. I am the 'breadwinner'.

5. Very few arguments and moods.


There are more, but time is short.

[MrPlum]

Every detail the same, DT.

Additionally, the initial 4 day quiet periods when something upset her and she kept it to herself are a thing of the past. No efforts to control my movements. Any income is passed to me without any fuss. No questions asked as to how I spend money. No issues over equality and whose turn it is to do the dishes, etc...

After 7 years I am still thankful and surprised by how comfortable it all is.

[Bristolian]

Same Same dtaai-maai

I pretty much agree with your points above.

My wife and I also seldom eat together, at home, unless I have cooked a western dish (usually during the weekends when I have time). My wife loves to experiment with western food. If I have made something that she likes, she will jot down the ingredients and cooking method. Then, usually some weeks later I am presented with a very good copy of the meal, often better that the original that I had prepared.

Both of us have been married before and of course that means that you come to the new relationship with baggage and sometimes, fixed ideas.

My wife had taken care of all of the finances in her previous marriage, probably because her ex couldn’t or wouldn’t manage. Also it is of course very common for Asian wives take this as a natural part of their duty.
At first this caused some friction as I had always taken care of the family finances and I wanted to continue to do so. It was quite some time before she accepted this and realised that I wasn’t going to drive us into bankruptcy. I guess another part of this was that she also had a son and daughter (late teens early 20s) to support through school and university and it would have been easier for her to syphon the necessary funds to support them. As soon as she realised that I was actually willing to support them, that the finances were no longer an issue. Why we had not discussed this before is still a mystery.

One of the things that is very different to any previous relationship that she insists that certain jobs are hers, “these are women’s work”, washing up, general cleaning of the house or apartment and even the light gardening……She will draw the line with heavy gardening and let me help with that . It really took me quite a lot of time and effort to persuade her that I actually enjoy cooking and then and only then, can I clean up the mess that I have invariably made in the kitchen.

[hhfarang]

Everything above pretty much applies to my marriage also with a few minor differences.

She does most of the housework and cooking as well as errands, not because she wouldn't allow me to, but just because she doesn't mind and I am lazy and hate doing those things. We have two autos and mine sits in the driveway most days and a tank of gas lasts me at least a month while she is out of the house most days, shopping, paying bills, running errands, or just getting her girlie things done like nails or hair.

We have a very nice dining room suite that we shipped over from the U.S. that only gets used when we have company. We eat separately at home about half the time, usually when we eat together it's in front of the TV when there is something that we both want to watch, and only go out together when we do monthly major shopping or for a restaurant meal. She only watches English TV and movies, always with me so I'm never bothered by Thai TV. In our entire marriage I don't remember her watching TV by herself and she never even had one until she met me.

We too are usually in separate rooms doing separate things while at home and rarely go to bed at the same time. She likes to go to sleep early, while I like to stay up a couple of hours later reading.

I handle the finances in our household as I am the thrifty one and she thinks money grows on trees so that may be opposite from a lot of couples here. A lot of you seem to have found very thrifty wives while you need the latest toys on the market so she has to throttle you back. She's not working at the moment, but did work in the U.S. for about 3 years and here for 4 years and I let her do whatever she wanted with most of the money she earned which took the pressure off my income during those times and she could shop and help her family all she wanted. She likes to feel independent so when she isn't working I give her a reasonable monthly allowance that is her money to do whatever she wants with because it bothered her or made her uncomfortable to have to come to me all the time asking for money and having to explain what it was for when she wanted to do something for a family member or buy something for herself.

All in all, we have a great relationship, but we actually did more and spent more time together in the U.S. than we do here. We regularly played golf together there and went bicycle riding (or walking/jogging) and on two or three week driving vacations each year which we both enjoyed. Here, golf is expensive and there aren't the smaller "executive" courses that we had many of in California and Florida, it's too hot and dangerous to bicycle, and after a few driving vacations we realized everywhere here is much the same, i.e., not the variety of climate, scenery, and things to do that we enjoyed in the U.S., nor do we feel comfortable just hitting the road with no plan like we did there because of the lack of facilities here. There we could just drive and find a restaurant or a motel whenever we wanted to, but here, especially lodging, requires a bit more forethought and planning.

[Big Boy]

We too are usually in separate rooms doing separate things while at home and rarely go to bed at the same time. She likes to go to sleep early, while I like to stay up a couple of hours later reading.

Are you in the all together too? Really too much info DM - maybe this needs to be moved to Night Crawlers

[Gregjam]

The 'victorian' breadwinner/housekeeper theme seems consistent as with my marriage of 23 years. Unlike others I may have gone a bit native as we always eat together and predominately Thai food. Financially I send money to my Thai account and transfer her a fixed amount monthly as I work (abroad) and return for approx. 3 months at a time. This way I have proof of income coming into Thailand and she manages the house.
Can somebody let me know the secret to preventing her getting moody. I was beginning to think that the P in PMT stood for permanent and that was before the word menopause came to the party. Arguments are usually small and over after a quick sulk, I have found that it is sometimes better to bite the bullet and have a 'told you so' ready which happens reasonably often. Trust is always an issue. I am told that it is not me that is untrustworthy, just all the other girls out there who are only interested in my wallet however sometimes if feels as if I am the most attractive man in the world to women and cannot be trusted anywhere within 20 feet of any female aged between seven and seventy (perhaps a bit over the top but you get my point).
Life is not all bad, we have a comfortable life, she does not drink and only does a little on the lottery. I, through choice, drink little, eat too well and still find Thailand a much more relaxing place to live than it was in the UK.
The man who has a perfect relationship, never argues with his wife/partner and seems to have a perfect life either has too much money or is headed for a fall.

[sand_dancer]

Gregjam

Can somebody let me know the secret to preventing her getting moody.

If I knew that mate..... I would sell it and be worth a fortune......

Kind of reminds me of a clip I saw on TV many years ago.....

Some reporter was sent to an old folks home to interview a couple who had been married for 70 years.......

After various pleasantries..... The reporter asked them..... " So whats the secret then ".....

The old lady is about to answer...... The old man holds up his hand to stop her......

" Whats the secret son "..... He says.....

" 2 words son..... 2 words "......

" Yes Dear "

Still makes me chuckle to this day......

[migrant]

Interesting thread!

My Thai wife, and I, have been together about 8 years and live in California.

She works, sometimes 2 jobs, and her money goes to her other than a contribution to household expenses. Out of "her money" she still buys stuff for the house, food, restaurant bills, etc. I handle the house finances and expenses like my car, while she pays for her car, credit cards, etc.

Her Mom lives with us and was the head chef at my wife's late husbands restaurant so she cooks Thai food every day. I usually join them, but a couple times a week I want something else so will cook it. I also enjoy cooking so some weekends I will cook and they will eat my food. We probably eat together 75% of the time

We bought a TV capable of hooking up to the internet and, since then, we rarely watch TV together. Her, and Mom, watch lakorns while I am in another room, or outside, watching TV or reading. Neither of us, outside work, tend to go out with friends alone, we usually go out together whether for entertainment, groceries, etc. One exception is she will go with me to the hardware store, I won't go with her to the shopping mall!!

During the work week we usually have slightly different schedules so some days may not see much of each other.

In the 8 years we have had no serious arguments, and very few disagreements. She is one of these people that are always cheery!! Makes up for me!!

[Gregjam]

posting.php?mode=smilies&f=8#

[Bristolian]

Gregjam

Can somebody let me know the secret to preventing her getting moody.

If I knew that mate..... I would sell it and be worth a fortune......

Could not agree more If we could bottle that remedy our only problem would be finding factories big enough to manufacture. The wealth generated would be greater than the GDP of a good sized country.

It's sometimes nice to enjoy the peace and quiet that a mood session can generate

Actually my wife rarely gets in a mood with me but her family know exactly when to stay a safe distance

[sand_dancer]

Bristolian

Could not agree more If we could bottle that remedy our only problem would be finding factories big enough to manufacture. The wealth generated would be greater than the GDP of a good sized country.

It's sometimes nice to enjoy the peace and quiet that a mood session can generate

The benefits of the odd bout of " Picture but no sound "..... Are a blessing in disguise

[Spitfire]

If a relationship makes it past the first 1-3 years then it has a reasonably good chance of 'flowering' into something worthy of pursuit/attention.........unless it is being manipulated for a certain end which should become noticable after a while unless you are a muppet.

Not always of course...but in many cases...'Yes'.

First bit of a relationship is to argument everything out, establish each person's position and try to realistically evaluate values to allow longevity of said relationship (if wanted by both sides) whilst trying to absorb the partners stance too.

If you make it beyond this point then you have a chance......and by no means all succeed thereafter.

Expectation (often unrealistic) is one of the biggest hurdles in any relationship and ultimately is the thing that has to be got into check. Some girls are worse than others but these days so many cling on to the hope of fantasy land in the future as it is all they have to cling to.....whether they be normal girls or university educated girls that feel 'left on the shelf' and get told so by their families.

The real trick to a relationship is reality.....and progress of said relationship after depends thus on having a plan and executing it properly/realistically, rather than subscribe to the vagary of fantasy or expectation.....which may be an issue or 'long held' ambition/prerequisite of such people.

I'm not talking just about bar girls or a girl that works in a mall.....everyone holds aspirations for a better life through what they can do or manipulate....including me and many others.

To be honest....for the first 2 years of my relationship with my wife we discussed and argued about lots of points and cultural things....but now we are squared away on what we think and both of us understand what the other wants/needs and are happy to compromise as all good pragmatists do.....to the good of our collective.

[lindosfan1]

I agree with nearly all of the above a lot of common sense. I would add, knowing when to keep quiet and say nothing.

[dtaai-maai]

to the good of our collective.

AAAAARGH! Resistance is futile...

[Spitfire]

I see you haven't lost your touch DM......lol

o7