A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a
most
> >
> > unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
> >
> > A long Black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
50
> > feet
> > behind the first.
> > Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pitbull on a
leash.
> > Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
> >
> > The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
man
> > walking the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad
time
> > to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many
of
you
> > walking in single file. " Whose funeral is it?"
> >
> > The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
> >
> > "What happened to her?"
> >
> > The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
> >
> > He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
> >
> > The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when
> > the
> > dog turned on her."
> >
> > A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two
men.
> >
> > "Can I borrow the dog?"
> >
> > "Join the queue."
Not very funny
Subject: Fw: You know you're Scottish when.....
i actually don't understand half of this.......
> >
> >You know your Scottish when...........
> >
> >1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnachie , Ecclefechan Milngavie,
> >Sauchiehall St, Enoch, Auchenshoogle, Auchtermuchty (wear the fox
> >hat) and Aufurfuksake.
> >
> >2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.
> >
> >3. Ye get four seasons in wan day.
> >
> >4. Ye canny pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer
blootert.
> >
> >5. Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.
> >
> >6. Ye see people wear shell suits with burberry accessories - pure
class!
> >
> >7. Ye measure distance in minutes.
> >
> >8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him,
> >in yer ain family.
> >
> >9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean.
> >
> >10. Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds.
> >
> >11. Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.
> >
> >12. Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding
> >day date.
> >
> >13. You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the
> >Church/Chapel.
> >
> >14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips,
> >irn-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.
> >
> >15. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.
> >
> >16. A big flash car has a ned at the wheel.
> >
> >17. Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.
> >
> >18. Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.
> >
> >19. Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals.
> >
> >20. Finally, you are 100% Glaswegian if you have ever said/heard
> >these words...
> >how's it hingin
> >
> >yourgonnaegetyerfikinheidkiktin
> >
> >clatty
> >
> >boggin
> >
> >cludgie
> >
> >p!shed
> >
> >get it up ye
> >
> >wee beasties
> >
> >ar$e bandit
> >
> >amurny
> >
> >away an bile yer heid
> >
> >peely-wally
> >
> >humphey backit
> >
> >Ba'-heid
> >
> >baw bag
> >
> >dubble nugget
> >
> >Wee Glesca wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has
> >just
came
> >oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his rear
end
> >aimed at an electric fire.
> >The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that yer
Ayrshire
> >bacon?"
> >"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's Ah'm heatin'."
i actually don't understand half of this.......
> >
> >You know your Scottish when...........
> >
> >1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnachie , Ecclefechan Milngavie,
> >Sauchiehall St, Enoch, Auchenshoogle, Auchtermuchty (wear the fox
> >hat) and Aufurfuksake.
> >
> >2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.
> >
> >3. Ye get four seasons in wan day.
> >
> >4. Ye canny pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer
blootert.
> >
> >5. Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.
> >
> >6. Ye see people wear shell suits with burberry accessories - pure
class!
> >
> >7. Ye measure distance in minutes.
> >
> >8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him,
> >in yer ain family.
> >
> >9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean.
> >
> >10. Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds.
> >
> >11. Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.
> >
> >12. Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding
> >day date.
> >
> >13. You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the
> >Church/Chapel.
> >
> >14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips,
> >irn-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.
> >
> >15. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.
> >
> >16. A big flash car has a ned at the wheel.
> >
> >17. Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.
> >
> >18. Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.
> >
> >19. Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals.
> >
> >20. Finally, you are 100% Glaswegian if you have ever said/heard
> >these words...
> >how's it hingin
> >
> >yourgonnaegetyerfikinheidkiktin
> >
> >clatty
> >
> >boggin
> >
> >cludgie
> >
> >p!shed
> >
> >get it up ye
> >
> >wee beasties
> >
> >ar$e bandit
> >
> >amurny
> >
> >away an bile yer heid
> >
> >peely-wally
> >
> >humphey backit
> >
> >Ba'-heid
> >
> >baw bag
> >
> >dubble nugget
> >
> >Wee Glesca wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has
> >just
came
> >oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his rear
end
> >aimed at an electric fire.
> >The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that yer
Ayrshire
> >bacon?"
> >"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's Ah'm heatin'."
Carpe Diem
WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Carpe Diem
Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure
Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory!."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity
Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says,
"I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say!
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered:
"Sure, why not." So,
the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate...
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shit's on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure
Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory!."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity
Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says,
"I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say!
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered:
"Sure, why not." So,
the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate...
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shit's on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Carpe Diem
TWO NUNS
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to molest us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
I'll pray for you!
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to molest us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
I'll pray for you!
Carpe Diem
TWO NUNS
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to molest us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
I'll pray for you!
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to molest us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
I'll pray for you!
Carpe Diem
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
> Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that
> would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He
asked if they were willing to try it out.
> They were both very much in favour of it.
>
> The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining
that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before.
> But, as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the
doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
> The doctor then adjusted the machine
> to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor
> checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was
doing.
>
> At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to
> feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife
considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain
to him.
> The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her
> husband were ecstatic!
> When they got home, the milkman was dead on their porch
> Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that
> would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He
asked if they were willing to try it out.
> They were both very much in favour of it.
>
> The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining
that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before.
> But, as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the
doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
> The doctor then adjusted the machine
> to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor
> checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was
doing.
>
> At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to
> feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife
considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain
to him.
> The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her
> husband were ecstatic!
> When they got home, the milkman was dead on their porch
Carpe Diem
A class of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?
"I went to visit my Nanna."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big people' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done?
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest With great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?
"I went to visit my Nanna."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big people' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done?
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest With great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
Carpe Diem
Irish guy caled "Paddy" walking his dog in a very upmarket suburb when a very snooty Gentleman asked "Paddy" to train his dog to crap in the gutter and not in the middle of the sidewalk.
Paddy slightly startled agreed to the request but made it clear he thought it a strange and un-natural behavior.
1 month later the snooty gentleman was walking up the same sidewalk when he noticed Paddy without his dog, he asked Paddy where his dog was today?
Paddy replied to the guy that the reason he was alone was because he had trained his dog to crao in the gutter as requested, and the dog fell off the roof and broke his neck.
Paddy slightly startled agreed to the request but made it clear he thought it a strange and un-natural behavior.
1 month later the snooty gentleman was walking up the same sidewalk when he noticed Paddy without his dog, he asked Paddy where his dog was today?
Paddy replied to the guy that the reason he was alone was because he had trained his dog to crao in the gutter as requested, and the dog fell off the roof and broke his neck.
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director
what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should
be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub"
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
(WHICH WAY WOULD YOU CHOOSE?)
SCROLL DOWN
SCROLL DOWN
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"
what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should
be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub"
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
(WHICH WAY WOULD YOU CHOOSE?)
SCROLL DOWN
SCROLL DOWN
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"
One night, Two nuns walk from the convent to the local town, down a dark country lane. Half way through their journey they are attacked and raped by a gang who make off into the night when their crime is complete.
The two nuns are obviously shocked and distressed and one asks of the other "Do we tell mother superior that we have been raped twice or do we keep it a secret?"
The second replies "What do you mean raped twice?"
The first replies "Well we have to come back this way don't we?"
The two nuns are obviously shocked and distressed and one asks of the other "Do we tell mother superior that we have been raped twice or do we keep it a secret?"
The second replies "What do you mean raped twice?"
The first replies "Well we have to come back this way don't we?"
Championship Plymouth Argyle 3 - 3 Preston NE 
(was 3-0 down after 48 minutes)
Points 12; Position 21
(was 3-0 down after 48 minutes)Points 12; Position 21
A penguin breaks down in the desert and walks to the local town to get help. The tow truck driver retrieves his car and tells him to come back in an hour. So being a penguin in the desert he's really hot so goes for an ice cream.
As he's only got flippers he gets in a right mess and ice cream goes everywhere.
He walks back to the car as the mechanic is just coming out from underneath, he looks at the penguin and says " looks like you've blown a seal".
"No" replies the penguin "it's only ice cream".
As he's only got flippers he gets in a right mess and ice cream goes everywhere.
He walks back to the car as the mechanic is just coming out from underneath, he looks at the penguin and says " looks like you've blown a seal".
"No" replies the penguin "it's only ice cream".
Championship Plymouth Argyle 3 - 3 Preston NE (was 3-0 down after 48 minutes)
Points 12; Position 21
(was 3-0 down after 48 minutes)Points 12; Position 21