Dear all,
When I came to Thailand, I met a great girl and everything went fine. The longer we stayed together, the more the relatives became a pain in the ass. The mother and father were no problem, but the cousins,brother,sister etc were increasingly around, much to my dissmay, imposing themselves on my wife and me. It got to the point where the only solution was to put about 400km between them and me, this seems to have solved the problem. I explained to my wife that I married her, not the extended family. I'm sure this must be a common problem but sometimes I was stunned by the "social services" I was dragged into. I suppose it's the cultural family operational difference but it was amazing to what extent it went to.
Is the only solution to this to put a large distance between you and them or is there any other solutions to this?
I'm sure there are some with comments about this, I would be interested to hear any stories, advice or comments.
Extended Family
think back to the wedding ceremony, remember when the monks were chanting and 200 family and friends were repeating back what the monks said ......... well they were the marriage vowels, you married the lot mate !!I explained to my wife that I married her, not the extended family
know exactly what you mean, but in most situations as long as you take care of the immediate family, parents mostly, brothers & sisters a bit, usually a fairly minimal amount of money (for them to live back in the village, far enough away), the wives usually dismiss the aunt/uncles, cousins and the like
thing is, you give an inch and they move in
they come under a lot of pressure from the family to assist, they get accused of living the high life (as the family see it) and forgetting the family. i can understand that, the wives see what we spend on a couple of nights out on the beer or in an expensive restaurant and think that could feed her mum and dad for a month
i think you gotta give a bit and appear to be helping as much as you can, and at the same time lay down the law a bit
some may disagree with me, im not sure ??
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Last edited by Super Joe on Wed Apr 30, 2008 12:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
What you say is right Super Joe, but I never had the village ceremony and all the monk thing, just went to the registar in Bangkok to make sure it was real, private affair. The village thing is very mickey mouse. However, got the wife's parents blessings to do that way, that's why they are no problem.
also having them up from the village for a week now and then, get some sangsom and decent food in, definately helps make them feel like you're bothered, even if you cant speak much to them
plus they always pass out by 9pm, so you can still go out as normal
many of us dismiss them and dont want much to do with them, but we more than make an effort to be liked by our in-laws back home
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plus they always pass out by 9pm, so you can still go out as normal
many of us dismiss them and dont want much to do with them, but we more than make an effort to be liked by our in-laws back home
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True Super Joe, I have paid my "dowry" for marrying her, but I just want it to be us most of the time. Most of these girls can be great but they are hopelessly attacted by the umbilical cord to their family. Last time I saw my brother or sister was about 12 months ago, only speak to them once every 2 months or so. Just want to ride into the sunset with the wife and enjoy the fruits of Thailand, without her being stuck to the mobile, sorting out impossible problems at short notice. As I say, distance has worked to some good degree.
Last edited by Spitfire on Wed Apr 30, 2008 1:15 am, edited 1 time in total.
I put my foot down from day 1. I made it very clear that in my country I work very hard for my money, certainly a lot harder than I'd seen anybody in the village work. I let them know that I am working class just like them. I refuse to give them one Baht.
The only exception is my step daughter. She lived as part of our family here in the UK for many years, and I treat her as my own daughter. Even so, I will not encourage her to be lazy - I will only give money for essential things such as her 2 daughter's education.
Put your foot down. As soon as they know there's no cash, they'll soon find another way - in extreme cases I've even known them get a job.
The only exception is my step daughter. She lived as part of our family here in the UK for many years, and I treat her as my own daughter. Even so, I will not encourage her to be lazy - I will only give money for essential things such as her 2 daughter's education.
Put your foot down. As soon as they know there's no cash, they'll soon find another way - in extreme cases I've even known them get a job.
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Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Big Boy is right aswell,
My wife works also, it was not too much of a money problem, more of a time and interference problem. My main problem was that the extended family was just to close and I felt smothered while she was always dealing with them all the time. I used to think:
"Come on everyone, you're all old enough to sort these things out, without talking to my wife".
"Why do need to run it past her when you're all over 25".
Distance has worked. I tell her that nobody helps me, and ask who will help me if it goes south.
My wife works also, it was not too much of a money problem, more of a time and interference problem. My main problem was that the extended family was just to close and I felt smothered while she was always dealing with them all the time. I used to think:
"Come on everyone, you're all old enough to sort these things out, without talking to my wife".
"Why do need to run it past her when you're all over 25".
Distance has worked. I tell her that nobody helps me, and ask who will help me if it goes south.
maybe there isn't a right or wrong, everyone's situation with the in-laws may be different etcBig Boy is right aswell
the way i look at it is if a small amount of dough, that i would pi$$ up in hua hin in a couple of nights, or bangkok in half a night, can support her ma and pa for a whole month and mean they can stop work, then i feel good about doing it. plus my wife feels good about it
the parents may have worked the rice fields since they were 14 and still doing it now at 65
if they were lazy ponces, trying it on left right and centre, i'd probably not help out
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The way I deal with these problems is by helping people as much as I feel they require it, but never actually handing over money to them.
I’ve been in this situation for many years now both with my partner in Thailand and with my ex, the mother of my daughter in Indonesia.
When people have been sick, I’ve taken them to hospitals and sometimes I’ve paid the bill, but I’ve always paid it myself.
I’ll quite happily help with tasks around the village, fetching things in the pick-up and other small jobs but I’ll never give money to anyone.
You have to walk a fine line between being taken advantage of and looking mean which is seen as a big sin in Asia; if you are better off than the people around you, you are expected to spend a bit of money on them.
You can do no harm by buying the odd round of meals in the local noodle stall where you can keep people happy without breaking the bank, or buy small things for the local kids; a crate of Pepsi from Big-C will make you a hero on that front!
I’ve been in this situation for many years now both with my partner in Thailand and with my ex, the mother of my daughter in Indonesia.
When people have been sick, I’ve taken them to hospitals and sometimes I’ve paid the bill, but I’ve always paid it myself.
I’ll quite happily help with tasks around the village, fetching things in the pick-up and other small jobs but I’ll never give money to anyone.
You have to walk a fine line between being taken advantage of and looking mean which is seen as a big sin in Asia; if you are better off than the people around you, you are expected to spend a bit of money on them.
You can do no harm by buying the odd round of meals in the local noodle stall where you can keep people happy without breaking the bank, or buy small things for the local kids; a crate of Pepsi from Big-C will make you a hero on that front!