3 MEN GO INTO A HOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS £30.00 SO
EACH MAN PAID £10.00 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.
A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY £25.00
SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH £5.00
ON THE WAY THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT £5.00 EVENLY
BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A £1.00 AND KEPT THE OTHER £2.00 FOR HIMSELF.
THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID £9.00 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF £27.00, ADD THE £2.00 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = £29.00
WHERE IS THE OTHER POUND?
Best of British
Victoria Beckham was being driven around the countryside in her limo. Suddenly a cow walked into the road and, unable to stop in time, the limo hit the cow.
Slightly shaken up, the driver went to see if the cow was alright.
“Is it alright?” asked Victoria Beckham.
The driver prodded the cow with his foot and shook his head. “No ma'am, it's dead.”
“Well you were driving, so you can go tell the farmer what happened!”
So the driver went off to the nearby farm. A couple of hours later he came back holding a bottle of wine, his clothes scruffy and messed up.
“Oh my god, what happened to you?” Victoria exclaimed.
“Well ma'am,” explained the driver, “the farmer gave me this bottle of wine, the farmer's wife gave a kiss and their daughter made love to me.”
“Just what the hell did you say to them?”
“I'm Victoria Beckham's driver and I've just killed the cow”.
Slightly shaken up, the driver went to see if the cow was alright.
“Is it alright?” asked Victoria Beckham.
The driver prodded the cow with his foot and shook his head. “No ma'am, it's dead.”
“Well you were driving, so you can go tell the farmer what happened!”
So the driver went off to the nearby farm. A couple of hours later he came back holding a bottle of wine, his clothes scruffy and messed up.
“Oh my god, what happened to you?” Victoria exclaimed.
“Well ma'am,” explained the driver, “the farmer gave me this bottle of wine, the farmer's wife gave a kiss and their daughter made love to me.”
“Just what the hell did you say to them?”
“I'm Victoria Beckham's driver and I've just killed the cow”.
Bet you were wondering when the Fritzl jokes would start arriving. Well,
here they are, all in gloriously bad taste….
What's Josef Fritzl's favourite chat-up line?
'Fancy a bit of how's-your-father?'
An Austrian woman is like a good wine.
Best left to mature in a cellar.
Popularity for Austria as a stag do destination has plummeted after men
have realised that Austrians really do lock up their daughters.
Shock upon hearing the news.
All except the Muslim community, who couldn't understand what all the
fuss
was about.
Why don't Austrians care whether their lovers are 4, 14 or 40 years old?
Because one size Fritz-all.
What with the downturn in the UK housing market and the demand for
custom
living space dwindling, the Grand Designs team are considering moving
the
program to Austria, where 'wannabe' architects appear to be making a
killing.
Did you hear Fritzl tried to put his kids up for adoption?
Unfortunately the Jersey Children's home said their cellar was already
full.
Just when we thought Shannon Matthews was pissing the World Hide & Seek
Record, some Austrian bird romps home with a 24 year claim! But Shannon
has
lodged an appeal, protesting that Elisabeth Fritzl had help from her
father.
I've just bought this Austrian girl's diary off ebay. It's not very
interesting it just says:
Monday: Stayed in
Tuesday: Stayed in
Wednesday: Stayed in.
Q: Why do Austrians go raving?
A: They love a little underground house
Austrian social services have said that Josef Fritzl has been improving
as
a father as of late. In fact, police have said that he has 'Been coming
into his own.'
Authorities have expressed concern over Josef Fritzl's lastest job
application to become a construction worker at the Haut de la Garenne
children's home in Jersey.
The Austrians have taken their fondness for the Sound of Music too far.
They even have their own Von Trapped family.
An Austrian journalist asked a neighbour how long he had known Josef
Fritzls' daughter Alice. 'Alice?' he replied. 'Who the f**k is Alice?
You
mean for 24 years I've been living next door to Alice?!
Official advice on sex education for Austrian teenagers is to keep them
in
the dark as long as possible.
Upon her release after 24 years of being locked away Miss Fritzl's first
question was 'Have Liverpool won the League yet?'
Josef Fritzl is writing a book.
He's hoping it will be a best cellar.
here they are, all in gloriously bad taste….
What's Josef Fritzl's favourite chat-up line?
'Fancy a bit of how's-your-father?'
An Austrian woman is like a good wine.
Best left to mature in a cellar.
Popularity for Austria as a stag do destination has plummeted after men
have realised that Austrians really do lock up their daughters.
Shock upon hearing the news.
All except the Muslim community, who couldn't understand what all the
fuss
was about.
Why don't Austrians care whether their lovers are 4, 14 or 40 years old?
Because one size Fritz-all.
What with the downturn in the UK housing market and the demand for
custom
living space dwindling, the Grand Designs team are considering moving
the
program to Austria, where 'wannabe' architects appear to be making a
killing.
Did you hear Fritzl tried to put his kids up for adoption?
Unfortunately the Jersey Children's home said their cellar was already
full.
Just when we thought Shannon Matthews was pissing the World Hide & Seek
Record, some Austrian bird romps home with a 24 year claim! But Shannon
has
lodged an appeal, protesting that Elisabeth Fritzl had help from her
father.
I've just bought this Austrian girl's diary off ebay. It's not very
interesting it just says:
Monday: Stayed in
Tuesday: Stayed in
Wednesday: Stayed in.
Q: Why do Austrians go raving?
A: They love a little underground house
Austrian social services have said that Josef Fritzl has been improving
as
a father as of late. In fact, police have said that he has 'Been coming
into his own.'
Authorities have expressed concern over Josef Fritzl's lastest job
application to become a construction worker at the Haut de la Garenne
children's home in Jersey.
The Austrians have taken their fondness for the Sound of Music too far.
They even have their own Von Trapped family.
An Austrian journalist asked a neighbour how long he had known Josef
Fritzls' daughter Alice. 'Alice?' he replied. 'Who the f**k is Alice?
You
mean for 24 years I've been living next door to Alice?!
Official advice on sex education for Austrian teenagers is to keep them
in
the dark as long as possible.
Upon her release after 24 years of being locked away Miss Fritzl's first
question was 'Have Liverpool won the League yet?'
Josef Fritzl is writing a book.
He's hoping it will be a best cellar.
Best of British
Big Boy,
give up. what happened to the other pound.???
miked
give up. what happened to the other pound.???
miked
Best of British
Big Boy,
worked it out. 3 men each pay £9 = £27. the bell boy has £2. you have to deduct the £2 from £27 pounds not add it on.
West Ham supporters will not be able to understand this but can always smash up the hotel room instead.
miked
worked it out. 3 men each pay £9 = £27. the bell boy has £2. you have to deduct the £2 from £27 pounds not add it on.
West Ham supporters will not be able to understand this but can always smash up the hotel room instead.
miked
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals.
King Kong, an Ape, an Orangutan and a Monkey pass by.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
Think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.
If your answer is:
Orangutan = you're dull & normal
Ape = you're a moron
Monkey = worse, you're an idiot
King Kong = you're hopelessly stupid
Why?????
A Coconut tree doesn't have bananas!
King Kong, an Ape, an Orangutan and a Monkey pass by.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
Think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.
If your answer is:
Orangutan = you're dull & normal
Ape = you're a moron
Monkey = worse, you're an idiot
King Kong = you're hopelessly stupid
Why?????
A Coconut tree doesn't have bananas!
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd 
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Best of British
i think this section should be renamed " Best of Big Boy"
Big Boy, give up your day job, write a book of all your jokes.
how do remember them all.???
keep them coming, well done.
miked
Big Boy, give up your day job, write a book of all your jokes.
how do remember them all.???
keep them coming, well done.
miked
You're welcomeA married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such,
When they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.' Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
When they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.' Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
The Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. 'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen,' Bob replied.
'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. 'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen,' Bob replied.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.'
The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.'
The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95 Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95 Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED