Best of British
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard borders on the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his pecker through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of 'em pays up!"
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard borders on the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his pecker through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of 'em pays up!"
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED





Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED


A blonde moves to Beverly Hills, hoping to find an acting job. After a couple weeks with no luck, she decides to go around to some of the rich people's houses and see if she can do some odd jobs for them to make a little money. She finally goes to one house, and a guy and his wife come to the door.
"Sure, I have a job for you," says the guy, "You can paint my porch. How much money do you want?"
The blonde thinks about it and says "I can do it in less than an hour. Twenty bucks!"
The guy says "Fine, there's a gallon can of paint and a brush in the garage, let me know when you're finished." So off she goes to the garage.
The guy's wife says to him "Fred, that wasn't fair, you tricked the poor girl. She doesn't realize the porch runs around the corner all down the west side of the house to the deck. It'll take her the whole day!"
"Too bad!," he says, "Maybe that dumb blonde will learn a lesson."
An hour later, the blonde is at the door again: "All Finished! And I had enough paint to put on a second coat! Oh, and by the way: that's a Ferrari you have there, not a Porsche. Duuhhhhh!"
"Sure, I have a job for you," says the guy, "You can paint my porch. How much money do you want?"
The blonde thinks about it and says "I can do it in less than an hour. Twenty bucks!"
The guy says "Fine, there's a gallon can of paint and a brush in the garage, let me know when you're finished." So off she goes to the garage.
The guy's wife says to him "Fred, that wasn't fair, you tricked the poor girl. She doesn't realize the porch runs around the corner all down the west side of the house to the deck. It'll take her the whole day!"
"Too bad!," he says, "Maybe that dumb blonde will learn a lesson."
An hour later, the blonde is at the door again: "All Finished! And I had enough paint to put on a second coat! Oh, and by the way: that's a Ferrari you have there, not a Porsche. Duuhhhhh!"
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED





Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,wea ring an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED





Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED


A Polish man moved to the UK and married an English girl. Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED





Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED


Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, Johnny Byrne?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Brown?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Margaret Doyle?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Anne O' Neil?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Catherine 0' Tool, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Johnny and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
Four months holiday and five good leads.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, Johnny Byrne?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Brown?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Margaret Doyle?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Anne O' Neil?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Catherine 0' Tool, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Johnny and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
Four months holiday and five good leads.'
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED





Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED


-
- Deceased
- Posts: 4069
- Joined: Wed Mar 05, 2008 1:26 pm
- Location: uk
b of b
A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'
St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'
So the zebra went off in search of God.
When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'
God simply replied 'You are what you are.'
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'
The zebra looked puzzled. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''
St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes..'
The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'
'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is.'
WARNING
If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Rev Wright and Obama will be coming right over to kick your white honky ass !!!!
St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'
So the zebra went off in search of God.
When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'
God simply replied 'You are what you are.'
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'
The zebra looked puzzled. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''
St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes..'
The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'
'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is.'
WARNING
If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Rev Wright and Obama will be coming right over to kick your white honky ass !!!!
Woke up this morning breathing that's a good start to the day.
A little boy goes to his father and asks, 'What is Politics and why is that Gordon Brown on the television again?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,
'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about...' The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,
'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about...' The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED





Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED


A man gets up one morning to find his wife cooking. He looks in the pan and sees one of his socks!
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Exactly what you asked me to do when you came to bed drunk last night!" she replied.
Puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cuck my sock."
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Exactly what you asked me to do when you came to bed drunk last night!" she replied.
Puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cuck my sock."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED





Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED


Dr Bob slept with one of his patients, and felt guilty about it all day long. He tried to forget it but couldn't.
Every once in a while he'd hear a reassuring voice in his head saying, "Bob, you're not the first medical practitioner to sleep with a patient, and you won't be the last. You've had no complaint, and you're single. Just let it go."
But then another voice in his head brought him back to reality, whispering, "But Bob, you're a vet!"
Every once in a while he'd hear a reassuring voice in his head saying, "Bob, you're not the first medical practitioner to sleep with a patient, and you won't be the last. You've had no complaint, and you're single. Just let it go."
But then another voice in his head brought him back to reality, whispering, "But Bob, you're a vet!"
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED





Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED


- The understudy
- Ace
- Posts: 1293
- Joined: Fri Jun 13, 2003 12:16 pm
- Location: Hua Hin, Bangkok, Berlin, L. A. rotating
The late Pope John Paul II took the invitation by Muhamed Al Fayed to take a tour of its world famous Harrods Department Store. After the Tour the Pope was greaded by the Semiot Manager Of Harrods with aPresent basket in his hand, The Pope asks:"For what I am honored for?" a Mr. Al Fayed replies: "Well your exellency your are the first Polish Man who have not Shop lifted us!!!"
Yours The understudy
Yours The understudy
In Love with Hua Hin since 19naughty9 and it ain't fading!!!
(My fable for All Things Japanese knows no boundaries!) Proud Student of Stamford University Hua Hin Campus from 1999 to 2004 (5th Batch of Graduates.)
“Once you survive Stamford U Hua Hin Campus only you can survive anything!!!”
(My fable for All Things Japanese knows no boundaries!) Proud Student of Stamford University Hua Hin Campus from 1999 to 2004 (5th Batch of Graduates.)
“Once you survive Stamford U Hua Hin Campus only you can survive anything!!!”
Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or Female?'
Customer says, 'Female.'
Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?'
Customer says, 'White.'
Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'
Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or Female?'
Customer says, 'Female.'
Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?'
Customer says, 'White.'
Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED





Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED


My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring
the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED





Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED


A man was lying on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms or legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said ' Have you ever had a hug?
The man said 'No',
So she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said 'Have you ever had a kiss?'.
The man said 'No',
So she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman walked over to him, knelt down and whispered in his ear,
Have you ever been F*cked?'
The fellow looked up in amazement and said 'No!!'
The woman smiled and said ...
'You will be when the tide comes in.'
The first woman said ' Have you ever had a hug?
The man said 'No',
So she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said 'Have you ever had a kiss?'.
The man said 'No',
So she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman walked over to him, knelt down and whispered in his ear,
Have you ever been F*cked?'
The fellow looked up in amazement and said 'No!!'
The woman smiled and said ...
'You will be when the tide comes in.'
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED





Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED


A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and... BOOOMM!
A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards Heaven, so he starts to climb them.
After an hour or so climbing he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes and a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.
'Excuse me sir' he says, 'are you Mohammed'?
'No,' replies the old man 'I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs.'
'But this is great news,' exclaims the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than St Peter, I can hardly believe it!'
He continues up the stairs, after another hour of hard climbing he arrives at another landing and standing there is a serene looking man with long hair and a beard.
'Excuse me sir, are you Mohammed?'
'No,' replies the man, 'I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up the stairs.'
'But this is amazing news,' exclaims the bomber, 'Mohammed is even higher than Jesus! Martyrdom is wonderful!'
With this he continues ascending the stairs, after two long hours of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing, there sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man with flowing white robes, a beard and long white hair.
'Excuse me sir, are you Mohammed?'
'No replies the old man, I am God.'
'But this is incredible news!' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is even higher than God. I am so excited I cannot believe it, martyrdom is thrilling!'
'You look tired my son,' says God, 'Would you like to sit down and rest a while?'
'Oh yes,' replies the bomber, 'I am very tired and would love to rest before I carry on. Thank you.'
The bomber sits and God says, 'You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of coffee?'
'Oh yes please,' replies the bomber. 'I am most thirsty'
With this, God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts, 'Oy Mohammed! Two coffees over here, you towely-headed bastard and make it snappy!'
A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards Heaven, so he starts to climb them.
After an hour or so climbing he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes and a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.
'Excuse me sir' he says, 'are you Mohammed'?
'No,' replies the old man 'I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs.'
'But this is great news,' exclaims the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than St Peter, I can hardly believe it!'
He continues up the stairs, after another hour of hard climbing he arrives at another landing and standing there is a serene looking man with long hair and a beard.
'Excuse me sir, are you Mohammed?'
'No,' replies the man, 'I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up the stairs.'
'But this is amazing news,' exclaims the bomber, 'Mohammed is even higher than Jesus! Martyrdom is wonderful!'
With this he continues ascending the stairs, after two long hours of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing, there sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man with flowing white robes, a beard and long white hair.
'Excuse me sir, are you Mohammed?'
'No replies the old man, I am God.'
'But this is incredible news!' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is even higher than God. I am so excited I cannot believe it, martyrdom is thrilling!'
'You look tired my son,' says God, 'Would you like to sit down and rest a while?'
'Oh yes,' replies the bomber, 'I am very tired and would love to rest before I carry on. Thank you.'
The bomber sits and God says, 'You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of coffee?'
'Oh yes please,' replies the bomber. 'I am most thirsty'
With this, God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts, 'Oy Mohammed! Two coffees over here, you towely-headed bastard and make it snappy!'
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED





Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED

