Best of British

[Super Joe]

With this, God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts, 'Oy Mohammed! Two coffees over here

Classic

[Big Boy]

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.

You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school.

You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play.

You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born.

And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then ..............................

Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!

[Big Boy]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..

MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________


TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
_______________________________ ___________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________


TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..

TE ACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________ ________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_______ _______________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[Big Boy]

The 3 Bears

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning ..

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl. It is Empty.

'Who's been eating my porridge?' He squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.

'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' He roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,

'For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water. And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear- asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm going to say this once.

I HAVEN'T MADE THE F %*#G PORRIDGE YET !!!!'

[Big Boy]

An interview With An 80-year-old Woman:

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered
proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in
her early 20s, then acircus ringmaster wh en in her 40s, later on a
preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

[Nereus]

I don`t think this one has been posted before.

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Airport noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself: 'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?'

Hoping to make her acquaintance, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: 'Love to fly and it shows?'
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: Damn, she doesn't work for Delta.'
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again 'Something special in the air?'
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: 'Smooth as Silk.'
This time the woman turned on him viciously and said, 'What the f...'n hell do you want?'

The man slumped back in his chair, and said, 'Ahhhhh, QANTAS'


(actually, it`s more of a fact, than a joke!)

[lindosfan1]

Sex against a fence

The husband leans over and asks his wife,
'Do you remember the first time we had
sex together over fifty years ago? We went
behind this very tavern where you leaned
against the back fence and I made love to
you.''Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.''OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll
around there again and we can do it for
old time's sake?'
'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth
heard their conversation and, having a
chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself,
I've got to see these two old-timers having
s
ex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them
so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along,
leaning on each other for support aided
by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the
back of the tavern and make their way to
the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and
the old man drops his trousers. As she
leans against the fence, the old man
moves in.
Then suddenly they erupt into the most
furious sex that the policeman has ever
seen. This goes on for about ten minutes
while both are making loud noises and
moaning and screaming. Finally, they both
collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he
has learned something about life and
old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the
ground recovering, the old couple struggle
to their feet and put their clothes back on.The policeman is still watching and thinks
to himself, this is truly amazing
. I've got
to ask them what their secret is.So, as the couple passes, he says to
them,'Excuse me, but that was something
else. You must've had a fantastic sex
life together. Is there some sort of
secret to this?'Shaking, the old man is barely able to
reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an
electric fence'

[lindosfan1]

12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV & Radio





1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'


2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'


3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'


4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977
'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'


5. US PGA Commentator
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ....
Oh my god!! What have I just said??'


6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'


7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!


8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'


9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'


10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'


11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK Eclipse coverage remarked:

'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'


12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

[Super Joe]

Nice one Lindos, some classics there

SJ

[Big Boy]

Bob and Jim were a couple of drinking buddy bikers who worked as aircraft mechanics in Edinburgh.

One day the airport was fogged-in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bob said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.

The next morning Bob wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT!

NO hangover!

NO bad side effects.

Nothing.

Then the phone rings.

It's Jim.

Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Bob says, 'I feel great. How about you?'

Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Bob says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.

''Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Norfolk.'

[Big Boy]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep,' the parrot confessed, and then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus

[crazy88]

Rafael Benitez sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker. One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Arsenal with only 20 minutes to go. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on the field he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the lad comes off the pitch, he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum. 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister was gang raped, I was ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang looters.
With this news, the young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, except I'm so sorry.'
>
>
>


'Sorry?!' exclaims his mum. 'It's your fault we all moved to Liverpool in the first place.'

[Big Boy]

A wee old man totters into a chemist to buy viagra. "Can I have 6 tablets cut in to quarters ?" he asks.

"I'll cut them for you," says the chemist, "but a quarter tablet won't give you a full errection."

"I'm 96" says the old man. "I don't have much use for an errection, I just want it sticking out far enough so that I don't p1s5 on my slippers."

[Big Boy]

A lesbian slept with 13 women one night and suddenly died.

At her post mortem it was revealed she died from an overdose of crack!

[Big Boy]

Life depends on the way you think. For example, read this::

Thepenisinhermouth

What did you read? The pen is in her mouth? Or did your dirty mind read something else?