Best of British

[(buffalo) Bill]

Ya think you have lived to be 85 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!



An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him...

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I am a lesbian.

[(buffalo) Bill]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

'Shoite,

Shoite!'


He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'


'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

[(buffalo) Bill]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and
towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted
by the
whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and
sent him on
his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old
Scotch
whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in
her
lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to
the
bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love
he had
ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed
him a full
English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly
squeezed
orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee,
he
noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but
what's the
five quid for?'

'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband
that today
would be your last day and that we should do something special
for you'.
'I asked him what I should give you'.


He said, 'F**k him. Give him a fiver.'

She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

[Khundon1975]

Cancel Credit Cards Prior To Death....



Reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle recently;

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless
And so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past September, and MBNA bank billed her for October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.

A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'


Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

MBNA:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

MBNA:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to The
credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
MBNA:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . The part about her Being dead?'

MBNA:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:


Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'


Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

MBNA:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her grandson'
(Lawyer info given)

MBNA:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

MBNA:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I Can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing Her.
I don't think she will care.'

MBNA:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

MBNA:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Heaton Cemetary, Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne Plot 1049.'

MBNA:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

MBNA were not available for comment when a reporter from the Newcastle Evening Chronicle rang.

[Big Boy]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says........ ."HEBREWS"


The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

[Khundon1975]

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a
rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early
fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked..
"I want to see Valerie," the
man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you
would prefer someone else", said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he
replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged
£5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds

and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man
calmly left..
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to
see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a
row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still
£5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet
again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night,
but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said
to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you
from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh ". "Really", she said. "I have family in
Edinburgh ."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her
solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in
person."





The moral of the story is that three things in life are
certain.


1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a
lawyer

[Khundon1975]

52 Irishmen hire a coach to take them on a mystery tour.

To add to the excitement they decided to have a sweep-stake at £2 a head to see who could guess where the destination would be.



The driver won £104.

[Big Boy]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, he'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men... until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

[pharvey]

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole,
but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts
and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a
few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she
walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and
she gives us the length.

[Khundon1975]

How I learned to mind my own business!

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, 13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'

[Big Boy]

Togo bus: 200 attempts and only 3 shots on target. Police have now moved their suspicions towards Dimatar Berbatov.

[Big Boy]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house,

Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation..

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.


So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the f****** dishes!!!'

[(buffalo) Bill]

CRANKY OLD MAN
> When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in country NSW,
> it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
>
> Later, when the nurses were going through his meagre possessions, They found
> this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were
> made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.
>
> One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old man's sole bequest to
> posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around
> the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation
> has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.
>
> And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author
> of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.
>
>
> Cranky Old Man
>
> What do you see nurses? . .What do you see?
> What are you thinking .. . when you're looking at me?
> A cranky old man, . . .not very wise,
> Uncertain of habit.... with faraway eyes?
>
> Who dribbles his food . . . and makes no reply.
> When you say in a loud voice. .. 'I do wish you'd try!'
> Who seems not to notice? .the things that you do.
> And forever is losing . .. A sock or shoe?
>
> Who, resisting or not.... lets you do as you will, With bathing and feeding
> . .The long day to fill?
> Is that what you're thinking? . . . Is that what you see?
> Then open your eyes, nurse . . you're not looking at me.
>
> I'll tell you who I am . . . As I sit here so still, As I do at your bidding
> . . . as I eat at your will.
> I'm a small child of Ten . . . with a father and mother, Brothers and
> sisters .. . . . . . . . who love one another
>
> A young boy of Sixteen . . . . . with wings on his feet Dreaming that soon
> now . . . a lover he'll meet.
> A groom soon at Twenty . . . my heart gives a leap.
> Remembering, the vows . . . that I promised to keep.
>
> At Twenty-Five, now . . . I have young of my own.
> Who need me to guide . . . And a secure happy home.
> A man of Thirty . .. My young now grown fast, Bound to each other . . . With
> ties that should last.
>
> At Forty, my young sons . . . have grown and are gone, But my woman is
> beside me . . . to see I don't mourn.
> At Fifty, once more, . ..Babies play 'round my knee, Again, we know children
> . . . My loved one and me.
>
> Dark days are upon me . . . My wife is now dead.
> I look at the future . . . I shudder with dread.
> For my young are all rearing . . . young of their own.
> And I think of the years . . . And the love that I've known.
>
> I'm now an old man . . . and nature is cruel.
> It's jest to make old age . . . look like a fool.
> The body, it crumbles . . . grace and vigor, depart.
> There is now a stone .. . where I once had a heart.
>
> But inside this old carcass . .. A young man still dwells, And now and again
> . . . my battered heart swells I remember the joys .. . I remember the
> pain.
> And I'm loving and living . . . life over again.
>
> I think of the years . all too few . . . gone too fast.
> And accept the stark fact . . . that nothing can last.
> So open your eyes, people . . . open and see.
> Not a cranky old man . Look closer . . . . see . . . . . .. . ME!!

[(buffalo) Bill]

CRANKY OLD MAN
> When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in country NSW,
> it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
>
> Later, when the nurses were going through his meagre possessions, They found
> this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were
> made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.
>
> One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old man's sole bequest to
> posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around
> the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation
> has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.
>
> And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author
> of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.
>
>
> Cranky Old Man
>
> What do you see nurses? . .What do you see?
> What are you thinking .. . when you're looking at me?
> A cranky old man, . . .not very wise,
> Uncertain of habit.... with faraway eyes?
>
> Who dribbles his food . . . and makes no reply.
> When you say in a loud voice. .. 'I do wish you'd try!'
> Who seems not to notice? .the things that you do.
> And forever is losing . .. A sock or shoe?
>
> Who, resisting or not.... lets you do as you will, With bathing and feeding
> . .The long day to fill?
> Is that what you're thinking? . . . Is that what you see?
> Then open your eyes, nurse . . you're not looking at me.
>
> I'll tell you who I am . . . As I sit here so still, As I do at your bidding
> . . . as I eat at your will.
> I'm a small child of Ten . . . with a father and mother, Brothers and
> sisters .. . . . . . . . who love one another
>
> A young boy of Sixteen . . . . . with wings on his feet Dreaming that soon
> now . . . a lover he'll meet.
> A groom soon at Twenty . . . my heart gives a leap.
> Remembering, the vows . . . that I promised to keep.
>
> At Twenty-Five, now . . . I have young of my own.
> Who need me to guide . . . And a secure happy home.
> A man of Thirty . .. My young now grown fast, Bound to each other . . . With
> ties that should last.
>
> At Forty, my young sons . . . have grown and are gone, But my woman is
> beside me . . . to see I don't mourn.
> At Fifty, once more, . ..Babies play 'round my knee, Again, we know children
> . . . My loved one and me.
>
> Dark days are upon me . . . My wife is now dead.
> I look at the future . . . I shudder with dread.
> For my young are all rearing . . . young of their own.
> And I think of the years . . . And the love that I've known.
>
> I'm now an old man . . . and nature is cruel.
> It's jest to make old age . . . look like a fool.
> The body, it crumbles . . . grace and vigor, depart.
> There is now a stone .. . where I once had a heart.
>
> But inside this old carcass . .. A young man still dwells, And now and again
> . . . my battered heart swells I remember the joys .. . I remember the
> pain.
> And I'm loving and living . . . life over again.
>
> I think of the years . all too few . . . gone too fast.
> And accept the stark fact . . . that nothing can last.
> So open your eyes, people . . . open and see.
> Not a cranky old man . Look closer . . . . see . . . . . .. . ME!!

[(buffalo) Bill]

Two women, on their way back from a night out, stop in a graveyard for a piss.

One dries herself on her knickers, and the other uses a wreath.

Their two husbands were in the pub the next night.

One says "I'd better watch my wife. She came home last night with no knickers on".

The other one says," That's fcuk all. Mine had a card wedged in her arse saying. Well never forget you.
From all the boys at the fire station."