Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
Not very funny
WATER AND WINE EDUCATION
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = POO
WINE = HEALTH
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = POO
WINE = HEALTH
Carpe Diem
> >A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not shown up
>for work or phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of
>the
>main computers, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was
>greeted with a child's whisper.
>"Hello?"
>"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
>"Yes," whispered the small voice.
>May I talk with him?"
>The child whispered, "No,"
>Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
>Mommy there?"
>"Yes,"
>"May I talk with her?"
>Again the small voice whispered, "No,"
>Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
>asked,"Is anybody else there?"
>"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".
>Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
>asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
>"No, he's busy" whispered the child.
>"Busy doing what?"
>"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
>Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through
>the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, What is that noise?"
>"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
>"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
>Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a
>helicopter,"
>Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are
>they searching for?"
>Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "ME!"
>for work or phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of
>the
>main computers, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was
>greeted with a child's whisper.
>"Hello?"
>"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
>"Yes," whispered the small voice.
>May I talk with him?"
>The child whispered, "No,"
>Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
>Mommy there?"
>"Yes,"
>"May I talk with her?"
>Again the small voice whispered, "No,"
>Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
>asked,"Is anybody else there?"
>"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".
>Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
>asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
>"No, he's busy" whispered the child.
>"Busy doing what?"
>"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
>Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through
>the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, What is that noise?"
>"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
>"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
>Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a
>helicopter,"
>Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are
>they searching for?"
>Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "ME!"
Carpe Diem
FACTS FOR OUR WAREHOUSE OF USELESS KNOWLEDGE
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
(actually that may be peanut shells)
3. The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.
4. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
5. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
6. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
7. There are more chickens than people in the world.
8. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
9. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
10. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.
11. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
12. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
13. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
14. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
15. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
16. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
17. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
18. There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous and hazardous.
19. Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los angeles de Porciuncula"- and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: "L.A."
20. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
21. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
22. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
23. In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
24. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
25. When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
26. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."
27. A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
28. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
29. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
30. On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.
31. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON'T try this @ home!)
32. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
33. Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul Reiser himself.
34. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
35. The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."
36. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
37. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
38. John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
39. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
40. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
41. Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
(actually that may be peanut shells)
3. The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.
4. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
5. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
6. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
7. There are more chickens than people in the world.
8. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
9. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
10. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.
11. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
12. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
13. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
14. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
15. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
16. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
17. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
18. There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous and hazardous.
19. Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los angeles de Porciuncula"- and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: "L.A."
20. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
21. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
22. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
23. In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
24. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
25. When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
26. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."
27. A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
28. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
29. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
30. On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.
31. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON'T try this @ home!)
32. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
33. Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul Reiser himself.
34. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
35. The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."
36. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
37. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
38. John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
39. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
40. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
41. Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand
Carpe Diem
The following are all replies that British women have put on Child
Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:
These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11,
It takes the prize.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party
if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with
a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I
fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his
phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and see if
he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ
risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to
do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications
for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right
by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look
the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at
Euro-Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember
for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party
at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all
when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart
Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:
These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11,
It takes the prize.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party
if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with
a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I
fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his
phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and see if
he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ
risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to
do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications
for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right
by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look
the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at
Euro-Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember
for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party
at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all
when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart
Carpe Diem
THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY
Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good : Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.
Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.
Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.
Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.
Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.
Good : You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections.
Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.
Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.
Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good : Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.
Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.
Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.
Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.
Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.
Good : You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections.
Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.
Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.
Carpe Diem
A LITTLE OUT OF SEASON BUT VERY GOOD
I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and colleagues, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my solicitor yesterday, and on there advice I wish to say the following:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted Gregorian calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
No trees were harmed in the sending of this message.
I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and colleagues, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my solicitor yesterday, and on there advice I wish to say the following:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted Gregorian calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
No trees were harmed in the sending of this message.
Carpe Diem
My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and healthy.
1. Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes cos I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
2. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know it can remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic.
3. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
4. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
5. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
6. I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
7. I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
8. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
9. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the internet who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
10. I no longer have any money at all in fact - but that will change once I
receive the £15,000 that Microsoft and Yahoo! are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program.
1. Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes cos I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
2. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know it can remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic.
3. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
4. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
5. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
6. I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
7. I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
8. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
9. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the internet who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
10. I no longer have any money at all in fact - but that will change once I
receive the £15,000 that Microsoft and Yahoo! are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program.
Carpe Diem
Who has the Best Friends?
Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there
Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd 
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
-
komfortablynumb
- Specialist
- Posts: 247
- Joined: Fri Feb 23, 2007 6:06 pm
- Location: norfolk/ Praknampran
Animals That Stutter
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", the teacher says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", the teacher says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"
Liam walks out of a bar on St Paddy's with a key in his hand and as he is stumbling back and forth, a cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?", the officer asks politely. "Yessh! Ossifer, sssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies. The cop asks, "Well, where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man`s "manhood" is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man,"Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out........ "Oh my God -----My girlfriend`s gone, too!
HHAD - you could put a HHAD "Not Very Funny" book together with all this material!