Paddy's chat up lines:
>
> 1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
> 2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
> 3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
> 4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
> 5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
Best of the Rest of the World
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(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
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(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence,' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer, as they clinked glasses he asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer, 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'
The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence,' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer, as they clinked glasses he asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer, 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'
The International Council of Man laws, Ltd.
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... And it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
A) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
B) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
C) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing (I.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.). For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
29. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, And having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
We hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, a glass of wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "Woo Hoo, what a ride!"
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... And it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
A) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
B) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
C) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing (I.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.). For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
29. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, And having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
We hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, a glass of wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "Woo Hoo, what a ride!"
Diary of a Snow Shoveler
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplow.
December 25: Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplow.
December 25: Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
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Khundon1975
- Rock Star
- Posts: 3490
- Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:05 am
- Location: Boo, I'm behind you.
Attic
Cleaned the attic out the other night with the wife
Dirty, smelly, covered in cobwebs, but she's good to the kids.
Dirty, smelly, covered in cobwebs, but she's good to the kids.
I've lost my mind and I am making no effort to find it.
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(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
George Bush's 50 worst bloopers
George Bush’s departure as President of United States on January 20 will deprive satirists of rich source of comedic fodder.
But a legacy of "Bushisms" will live on.
Here is a selection of the outgoing president's most memorable malapropisms, mispronunciations and mangled statements.
1. "The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur."
2. "If you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness."
3. "Justice ought to be fair."
4. "If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow."
5. " Reading is the basics for all learning."
6. "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
7. "The important question is, how many hands have I shaked?"
8. "September the 4th, 2001, I stood in the ruins of the Twin Towers . It's a day I will never forget."
9. "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
10. "I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right here in the Oval Office."
To see Bush's Top 10 best moments click below or scroll down for more bloopers.
11. "We're concerned about AIDS inside our White House - make no mistake about it."
12. "When the governor calls, I answer his phone."
13. "For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America . It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it."
14. "(The Taliban) have no disregard for human life"
15. "I can press when there needs to be pressed; I can hold hands when there needs to be… hold hands."
16. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
17. "The German asparagus are fabulous."
18. "It's a time of sorrow and sadness when we lose a loss of life."
19. "I'm honoured to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."
20. "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
21. "I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was very impressed by his grasp of finances."
22. "Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"
23. "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."
24. "General, I want to thank you for your service. And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq ."
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25. "We ought to make the pie higher."
26. "I think we agree, the past is over."
27. " America stands for liberty, for the pursuit of happiness, and for the unalienalienable right of life."
28. "There's an old saying in Tennessee—I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me—you can't get fooled again."
29. "I don't particularly like it when people put words in my mouth, either, by the way, unless I say it."
30. "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."
31. "You wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling."
32. "My job is a decision-making job, and as a result, I make a lot of decisions."
33. "Sometimes when you study history, you get stuck in the past."
34. "It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way."
35. "There is distrust in Washington . I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."
36. "I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend."
37. "It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce."
38. "I think it's really important for this great state of baseball to reach out to people of all walks of life to make sure that the sport is inclusive. The best way to do it is to convince little kids how to… the beauty of playing baseball."
39. "One year ago today, the time for excuse-making has come to an end."
40 "You know, when I campaigned here in 2000, I said, I want to be a war president. No president wants to be a war president, but I am one."
41. "I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here."
42. "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
43. "(I will) keep good relations with the Grecians."
44. "I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport ."
45. "We had a chance to visit with Teresa Nelson who's a parent, and a mom or a dad."
46. "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
47. "I'm sure you can imagine it's an unimaginable honour to live here."
48. "I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah."
49. "I've coined new words, like ‘misunderstanding’."
50. "They misunderestimated me."
George Bush’s departure as President of United States on January 20 will deprive satirists of rich source of comedic fodder.
But a legacy of "Bushisms" will live on.
Here is a selection of the outgoing president's most memorable malapropisms, mispronunciations and mangled statements.
1. "The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur."
2. "If you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness."
3. "Justice ought to be fair."
4. "If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow."
5. " Reading is the basics for all learning."
6. "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
7. "The important question is, how many hands have I shaked?"
8. "September the 4th, 2001, I stood in the ruins of the Twin Towers . It's a day I will never forget."
9. "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
10. "I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right here in the Oval Office."
To see Bush's Top 10 best moments click below or scroll down for more bloopers.
11. "We're concerned about AIDS inside our White House - make no mistake about it."
12. "When the governor calls, I answer his phone."
13. "For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America . It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it."
14. "(The Taliban) have no disregard for human life"
15. "I can press when there needs to be pressed; I can hold hands when there needs to be… hold hands."
16. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
17. "The German asparagus are fabulous."
18. "It's a time of sorrow and sadness when we lose a loss of life."
19. "I'm honoured to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."
20. "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
21. "I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was very impressed by his grasp of finances."
22. "Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"
23. "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."
24. "General, I want to thank you for your service. And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq ."
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25. "We ought to make the pie higher."
26. "I think we agree, the past is over."
27. " America stands for liberty, for the pursuit of happiness, and for the unalienalienable right of life."
28. "There's an old saying in Tennessee—I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me—you can't get fooled again."
29. "I don't particularly like it when people put words in my mouth, either, by the way, unless I say it."
30. "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."
31. "You wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling."
32. "My job is a decision-making job, and as a result, I make a lot of decisions."
33. "Sometimes when you study history, you get stuck in the past."
34. "It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way."
35. "There is distrust in Washington . I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."
36. "I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend."
37. "It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce."
38. "I think it's really important for this great state of baseball to reach out to people of all walks of life to make sure that the sport is inclusive. The best way to do it is to convince little kids how to… the beauty of playing baseball."
39. "One year ago today, the time for excuse-making has come to an end."
40 "You know, when I campaigned here in 2000, I said, I want to be a war president. No president wants to be a war president, but I am one."
41. "I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here."
42. "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
43. "(I will) keep good relations with the Grecians."
44. "I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport ."
45. "We had a chance to visit with Teresa Nelson who's a parent, and a mom or a dad."
46. "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
47. "I'm sure you can imagine it's an unimaginable honour to live here."
48. "I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah."
49. "I've coined new words, like ‘misunderstanding’."
50. "They misunderestimated me."
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008
________________________________
6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
________________________________
5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
________________________________
4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
________________________________
3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
________________________________
2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'
________________________________
SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.
________________________________
6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
________________________________
5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
________________________________
4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
________________________________
3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
________________________________
2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'
________________________________
SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. That is, until the ship sank!
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'
'But, where did you get the tools?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy is stunned.
'Let's row over to my place,' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'
She stares into his eyes...
He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....
...
'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'
'But, where did you get the tools?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy is stunned.
'Let's row over to my place,' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'
She stares into his eyes...
He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....
...
'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . 'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. 'Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . 'If you fall out of that tree and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. 'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY 'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE . 'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION. 'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. 'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING . 'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP. 'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR. 'When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. 'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE' One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . 'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. 'Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . 'If you fall out of that tree and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. 'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY 'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE . 'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION. 'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. 'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING . 'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP. 'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR. 'When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. 'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE' One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'