Best of British

[Big Boy]

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL.

NOW I HAVE A £500,000.00 HOME, A £45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

[Big Boy]

What I Want In A Man!

Original list age (20 something)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Can tow a Caravan
4. Can cook a BBQ
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Appreciates a good TV dinner
7. Helps with the housework


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where I have put things
3. Can still tow a van without causing chaos on the road
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Doesn't notice my facial hair and wrinkles
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Stops trying to tell jokes


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
3. Remembers where we both live.

[Big Boy]

It's a slow day in a little Lancashire town. The sun is beating down,and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich tourist from down South is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a £100 in cash on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the £100 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the sheep farmer.

The sheep farmer takes the £100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the £100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the £100 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the £100, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything.. No one earned anything..

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the British Government is conducting business today..

[Khundon1975]

A butt ugly man goes to the doctors and tells him, that every time he has sex with a lady his eyes sting.

The doc takes a look at his ugly face and says to the man, "that will be from the pepper spray"

[Big Boy]

A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the hospital

"How are you grandpa?" He asks

"Feeling fine" says the old man

What's the food like?

"Terrific, wonderful menus"

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you"

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

"What are you people doing" he says. "I'm told you're giving an 85 year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes" replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well".

"The chocolate makes him sleep,

and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed".

[DSB]

Subject: a moral lesson

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and we'd decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was my fiancées younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years old, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down near me and I enjoyed many pleasant views of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate... I didn't notice her doing this near anyone else.
One day the sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me - just before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door, stepped out of the house, and began walking directly toward my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said: "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!"
The moral of the story is...
Always keep your condoms in your car

[Big Boy]

The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.

'Hold on a minute! ', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!'

'This is my lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!' So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?'

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, '....two million dollars...'

'TWO MILLION DOLLARS! ' replied the housekeeper, 'They must have seen you coming!!!'

[tarakandi]

One day in Bavaria, the seven dwarfs went off to work in the salt mine, while Snow White stayed at home as usual to cook their lunch. However, when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.
Tearfully, Snow White shouted down the mine shaft: 'Hello - is anyone there. Can you hear me, Bashful, Doc, Dopey, Happy, Grumpy or Sneezy?' (She knew it would be no good calling Sleepy.)
Then a voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: 'England will win the 2010 World Cup'. ‘Thank God!' said Snow White, 'at least Dopey's still alive!'

[Big Boy]

A London lawyer and a Welshman are sitting next to each other on a long flight to Cardiff.

The lawyer is thinking that Welshmen are all rustic simpletons and that he can fool them easily...

So the lawyer asks if the Welshman would like to play a fun game.

The Welshman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me £5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.'

As may be expected, this catches the Welshman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?'

The Welshman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Welshman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' And with that, he closes his eyes and tries to take a nap again.

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the British Library. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes up the Welshman and hands him £500. The Welshman pockets the £500 and goes straight back to sleep.

The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer. He wakes the Welshman up and asks, 'Well! What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The Welshman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.

[pharvey]

Well someone had to start.......

[Big Boy]

Think a gallon of petrol is expensive?

This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz £1.19 ...........£9.52 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz £1.25 ......... £10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz £3.15 ...... £33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz E8.35 ... £178..13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz £3.85 . £123.20 per gallon

Tippex 7 oz £1.39 ....... . £5.42 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz £1.49..£21.19 per gallon! £21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

You don't even want to compare it with perfume or after shave.

Ever wonder why printers are so cheap? So they have you hooked for the ink. Someone calculated the cost of the ink at.................(you won't believe it....but it is true........) £5,200 a gal... (five thousand two hundred pounds)

So, the next time you're at the pump,be glad your car doesn't run on water, or Tippex, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!

[Big Boy]

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"

Woman 2: "Yes."

Woman 1: "Was it good?"

Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?"

Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!"

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?"

Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?"

Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!"

[pharvey]

Subject: A cow, an ant and an old fart

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow: I give 50 liters of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
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> >> Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...

[pharvey]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Irish scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Irish, in the weeks that followed, an English
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published read:

"English archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire,
have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
telecommunications network 30 years earlier than the Irish".


One week later, the South Wales Echo reported the following:


"After digging as deep as 30 feet in the pasture near his house in the
Rhondda , Dai Williams, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he
found absolutely #@*k all. Dai has therefore concluded that 130 years
ago, Wales had already gone wireless.



"

Makes a man proud to be Welsh!

[Khundon1975]

Complaints from Council house (public housing) tenants.



1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

7. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

8. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant

10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

11. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

14. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC 2.



A Spot of British Humor
As reported in the newspaper...

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."

(The Daily Telegraph)

_____

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

(The Guardian)

_____


At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

(Aberdeen Evening Express)

_____


Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"

(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

____


A list of actual announcements that London Tube drivers have made to their
passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
____


"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & A syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his arse. I'll let you have further information as soon as possible."
_____

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home...."
_____


"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

_____

"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"