Best of British

[Dannie Boy]

Hopefully I've saved the best for last!!


A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail
with her girlfriends when Steven,
a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged
man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £20.00...on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a £20 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.
She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....


"Decorate my house"!!

[Dannie Boy]

Duplicate of joke a few months ago!!

[pharvey]

Phone rings, woman answers.
The Pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching the football - who shall I say is calling?"

[Siani]

Blonde & Irish



On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were

listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer
say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car
on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through.

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must parkyour car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through.

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do, Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."

[Siani]

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad , what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

[Vital Spark]

Joe woke up one night and saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor at the bottom of his bed. At first he was afraid...., then he was petrified.

[ridgeydidge.au]

Joe woke up one night and saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor at the bottom of his bed. At first he was afraid...., then he was petrified.

he he he

[Siani]

________________________________________


Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'- Eleanor Roosevelt

<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
<><>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible- George Burns
<><>
Santa Claus has the right idea.
Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.- Mark Twain
<><>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.- Groucho Marx
<><>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<><>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.- Spike Milligan
<><>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .- Joe Namath
<><>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.- Bob Hope
<><>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..- W. C. Fields
<><>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.- Will Rogers
<><>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.- Winston Churchill
<><>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
<><>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.- Billy Crystal
<><>
And the cardiologist's diet: -If it tastes good spit it out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.

[pharvey]

The wife said to me last night “If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the @rse.”

Wasn't very sexy................. Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first….

[Siani]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

“You Sign! You sign!'

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,
'You Sign! You sign!'
Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

'You sign! You sign!'

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:

'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

'You sign! You sign!'

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.


This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:


'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'


The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

(It's a beauty)

(Wait for it)



(Get your best Chinese accent ready)







'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

[richard]

53,000 Scousers meet in Anfield for a 'Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention.


Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'

Wayne Rooney gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Gerrard asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?' After 15 or 20 seconds Rooney says, ' Forty!'

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Gerrard says, 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.' So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?' After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ' Twelve?'

Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Rooney starts crying.

But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?' Silence hangs over the stadium. Rooney closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouse crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,

'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

[Dannie Boy]

MANY A TRUE WORD SPOKEN IN JEST

The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers
Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless,the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy,
HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.
The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.
Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.
Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.
All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.
Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".
All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.
Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches.
This applies equally to female crew.

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities.
The Union Jack must never be seen.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.
Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and
they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."
_







.

[Dannie Boy]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded and replied, "Snuff."

[richard]

Tommy Cooper at his best





1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.



2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press
the hash key...'



3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The
shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'



4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.



5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'



6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.



7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut
your arms off'.



8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.



9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft,
it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.



10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.



11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'



12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'



13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, Im going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's really heavy'



14. Guy goes into the doctors. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
bottom.'

'How's that?'

'Don't you start.'



15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!



16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.



17.. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me
a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'



18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in
my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother
Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think its Colin.



19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other Your round.' The other one
says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'



20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.



21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'



22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several
places'

The doctor said, Well don't go there anymore

[Siani]

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."