As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams: " I am not dead, I am not dead, let me out!"
The vicar leans forward and smiles, sucking air through his teeth and mutters:
"Too f**king late pal, I have already done the paperwork "
Best of British
Re: Best of British
This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner
submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells. They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big boobs who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.
And apparently this is what happened when they hired him:
"After landing my new job as a B & Q “Greeter”, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day . . . . .
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, Tattooed Bognor Babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to B & Q.”
I then said, “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “No, they ain’t effin twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7, why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?”
I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn’t believe someone sha**ed you twice…. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q.”
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work."
submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells. They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big boobs who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.
And apparently this is what happened when they hired him:
"After landing my new job as a B & Q “Greeter”, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day . . . . .
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, Tattooed Bognor Babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to B & Q.”
I then said, “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “No, they ain’t effin twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7, why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?”
I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn’t believe someone sha**ed you twice…. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q.”
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work."
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
Re: Best of British
Life in the Australian Army...
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila
Re: Best of British
PULLED OVER IN FRANCE
True story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyser test.
The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was well & truly over the top...
The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'
'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'
'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's black label.'
Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?
The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, just like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the steering wheel?'
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
-
pharvey
- Moderator
- Posts: 15824
- Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 10:21 am
- Location: Sir Fynwy - God's Country
Re: Best of British
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American
archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."
A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught local amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely bugger all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be British!!
Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American
archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."
A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught local amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely bugger all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be British!!
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things" - Yma o Hyd.
-
lindosfan1
- Deceased
- Posts: 4069
- Joined: Wed Mar 05, 2008 1:26 pm
- Location: uk
Re: Best of British
Suarez and Sturridge who play for Liverpool have been nicknamed the S.A.S. by their fans.
Manchester United fans are now trying to think up a snappy title for their players
W elbeck, A ndeson, N ani, K agwara, E vra, R ooney, S malling
Manchester United fans are now trying to think up a snappy title for their players
W elbeck, A ndeson, N ani, K agwara, E vra, R ooney, S malling
Woke up this morning breathing that's a good start to the day.
-
Dannie Boy
- Hero
- Posts: 13842
- Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2010 8:12 pm
- Location: Closer to Cha Am than Hua Hin
Re: Best of British
BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?
WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED
HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN THE UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ARSED,
GREY HAIRED,
DECREPIT,
BASTARD ASKED..
'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?
WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED
HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN THE UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ARSED,
GREY HAIRED,
DECREPIT,
BASTARD ASKED..
'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?
Re: Best of British
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb.
I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him"
I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him"
-
Dannie Boy
- Hero
- Posts: 13842
- Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2010 8:12 pm
- Location: Closer to Cha Am than Hua Hin
Re: Best of British
Kids - don't you just love 'em!!
My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends and their children.
During dinner my wife’s best friend ( Diane's) four-year-old sitting opposite, stared at me continuously. She could barely eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.
I tried hard to ignore her but finally it was too much for me.
I finally asked her “Why are you staring at me?” and the table went quiet waiting for her response.
The little girl said “I’m just waiting to see how you drink like a fish.”
My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends and their children.
During dinner my wife’s best friend ( Diane's) four-year-old sitting opposite, stared at me continuously. She could barely eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.
I tried hard to ignore her but finally it was too much for me.
I finally asked her “Why are you staring at me?” and the table went quiet waiting for her response.
The little girl said “I’m just waiting to see how you drink like a fish.”
Re: Best of British
I've just arrived home to find a pretty woman grouting the bathroom wall and singing "it's a heartache, nothing but a heartache...."
I thought to myself.... she's a Bonnie Tyler
I thought to myself.... she's a Bonnie Tyler
Re: Best of British
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
Re: Best of British
2013 DARWIN AWARDS
You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the 2013 Darwin Awards:
Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS....
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.
You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the 2013 Darwin Awards:
Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS....
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
Re: Best of British
www.snopes.com/critters/malice/feces.asp
Most are false or those that actually happened occurred quite a few years ago
Most are false or those that actually happened occurred quite a few years ago
“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”
― George Carlin
“The further a society drifts from the truth, the more it will hate those who speak it.” -George Orwell.
― George Carlin
“The further a society drifts from the truth, the more it will hate those who speak it.” -George Orwell.
Re: Best of British
From the country that brought you the Echo, Derek the Weatherman, Dai caps and Mam-gu...
YOU KNOW YOU’RE FROM THE VALLEYS WHEN......
You know at least 10 "Dais"
You have to explain what "togs" are and more importantly what "daps" are
You've suddenly realised that you are 10p short for the Severn bridge
"Fin hoffi coffi" does not mean fluency in Welsh
You've bumped into someone you know on your holidays in the Costa del sol
Conversations with Indian call centre workers do not end well
You support any team that plays against England
You know at least one person who claims they were in school with either Charlotte Church, Katherine Jenkins, Ioan Gryffudd or Catherine Zeta-Jones
You wince when you see a Welsh person making a t*at of themselves on TV and they usually have the strongest Welsh accent ever
That coat is indeed my jacket
You raise a small cheer when you see the "Croeso i Gymru" on the M4 or Welcome to Wales – as you come down the hill from Ross into Monmouth.
You're a fluent Welsh speaker but turn the pamphlet/leaflet over and read the English version
You last name is one of the following: Williams, Bevan, Llewellyn, Morgan, Rees, Powell, Howell, Davies, Lewis, Thomas, Jones, Griffiths, Morris, Evans, James, Roberts, Jenkins, Hughes or Owen
When you go abroad you have to explain to people where Wales is, and that it is not part of England
You can name all the celebrities that have any connection to Wales
You own a Stereo phonics CD
Hugh Pugh, Max Boyce and Derek the Weatherman are all TV personalities you recognize
You know who exactly Aneurin Bevan is and what exactly he is famous for
A village/town 3 miles away is described locally as being just around the corner or just down the road
You don't know the surnames of any of you friends, you refer to them instead as Dai the Milk, Will the shop, Ron Top Road, or Mark Ty-Draw
You remember watching Ivor the Engine, Will Quack Quack, Sam Tan a Super Ted
A butty is your mate not a sandwich
The word "Never" is used on a daily basis and everything "does my head in"
Youve used the phrase "I'll be there now in a minute" on several occasions
Proper, Cwtch, Tidy, Potch, Dap, and Courting are daily used phrases
YCH A FI!
YOU KNOW YOU’RE FROM THE VALLEYS WHEN......
You know at least 10 "Dais"
You have to explain what "togs" are and more importantly what "daps" are
You've suddenly realised that you are 10p short for the Severn bridge
"Fin hoffi coffi" does not mean fluency in Welsh
You've bumped into someone you know on your holidays in the Costa del sol
Conversations with Indian call centre workers do not end well
You support any team that plays against England
You know at least one person who claims they were in school with either Charlotte Church, Katherine Jenkins, Ioan Gryffudd or Catherine Zeta-Jones
You wince when you see a Welsh person making a t*at of themselves on TV and they usually have the strongest Welsh accent ever
That coat is indeed my jacket
You raise a small cheer when you see the "Croeso i Gymru" on the M4 or Welcome to Wales – as you come down the hill from Ross into Monmouth.
You're a fluent Welsh speaker but turn the pamphlet/leaflet over and read the English version
You last name is one of the following: Williams, Bevan, Llewellyn, Morgan, Rees, Powell, Howell, Davies, Lewis, Thomas, Jones, Griffiths, Morris, Evans, James, Roberts, Jenkins, Hughes or Owen
When you go abroad you have to explain to people where Wales is, and that it is not part of England
You can name all the celebrities that have any connection to Wales
You own a Stereo phonics CD
Hugh Pugh, Max Boyce and Derek the Weatherman are all TV personalities you recognize
You know who exactly Aneurin Bevan is and what exactly he is famous for
A village/town 3 miles away is described locally as being just around the corner or just down the road
You don't know the surnames of any of you friends, you refer to them instead as Dai the Milk, Will the shop, Ron Top Road, or Mark Ty-Draw
You remember watching Ivor the Engine, Will Quack Quack, Sam Tan a Super Ted
A butty is your mate not a sandwich
The word "Never" is used on a daily basis and everything "does my head in"
Youve used the phrase "I'll be there now in a minute" on several occasions
Proper, Cwtch, Tidy, Potch, Dap, and Courting are daily used phrases
YCH A FI!
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arcadianagain
- Ace
- Posts: 1748
- Joined: Fri Apr 26, 2013 11:58 pm
Re: Best of British
Hi Siani, although I`m English I do know what daps are, I worked with a girl who lived in the same town as Tom Jones, he was known as Jones the daps because of his footwear.