Best of British

[Bristolian]

I also know what daps are, having been born and raised in Bristol. For those that don't know, Bristol stands on one of the main escape routes from S. Wales and many escapees have taken refuge there over the years
I guess that I had better put on my daps before Pharvey starts to chase me.

[Big Boy]

You can run, but you'll never hide from one of his heat seeking missiles.

[Bristolian]

You can run, but you'll never hide from one of his heat seeking missiles.

BB can you please check...I think that someone else is posting under my name....

[Siani]

Ha Ha! I can post things about the Welsh as I am Welsh We can take it....

Anyway, those who do not know the word Dap or Daps in this case, is either quite young or lived a sheltered life Lol!

Definition:
In the UK plimsolls were compulsory in schools' physical education lessons. Regional terms are common: in Northern Ireland and central Scotland they are sometimes known as gutties; "sannies" (from 'sand shoe') is also used in Scotland as is the term 'Two boab sliders'.[2] In parts of the West Country and Wales they are known as "daps" or "dappers". In London, the home counties, much of the West Midlands, and north west of England they are known as "pumps".[3] There is a widespread belief that "daps" is taken from a factory sign - "Dunlop Athletic Plimsoles" which was called "the DAP factory". However, this seems unlikely as the first citation in the Oxford English Dictionary of "dap" for a rubber soled shoe is a March 1924 use in the Western Daily Press newspaper; Dunlop did not acquire the Liverpool Rubber Company (as part of the merger with the Macintosh group of companies) until 1925.

It's amazing what you learn on this forum I did not know Sannies or Two boab sliders either!

[Dannie Boy]

Ha Ha! I can post things about the Welsh as I am Welsh We can take it....

Anyway, those who do not know the word Dap or Daps in this case, is either quite young or lived a sheltered life Lol!

Definition:
In the UK plimsolls were compulsory in schools' physical education lessons. Regional terms are common: in Northern Ireland and central Scotland they are sometimes known as gutties; "sannies" (from 'sand shoe') is also used in Scotland as is the term 'Two boab sliders'.[2] In parts of the West Country and Wales they are known as "daps" or "dappers". In London, the home counties, much of the West Midlands, and north west of England they are known as "pumps".[3] There is a widespread belief that "daps" is taken from a factory sign - "Dunlop Athletic Plimsoles" which was called "the DAP factory". However, this seems unlikely as the first citation in the Oxford English Dictionary of "dap" for a rubber soled shoe is a March 1924 use in the Western Daily Press newspaper; Dunlop did not acquire the Liverpool Rubber Company (as part of the merger with the Macintosh group of companies) until 1925.

It's amazing what you learn on this forum I did not know Sannies or Two boab sliders either!

Interesting about the word dapper being used with reference to plimsolls, so I wonder how it became used in the expression a "Dapper Gentleman" referring to somebody who is stylishly dressed............... obviously not somebody wearing plimsols?

[richard]

Is this true ? I guess time will tell ...

A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts & wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.


Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.


Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilets for the disabled.


Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

[richard]

Best of ENGLISH jokes?



CRICKET

[Siani]

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.

To celebrate the new acquisitions he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand) so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner then he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

[richard]

Make sure that you scroll right down!


A heart rendering letter, read on.
An Englishman goes into his daughter’s bedroom and sees a letter addressed to 'Mum and Dad', on the bed. With a heavy
heart, he opens it and reads:
Dear Mum and Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new
boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all his piercings,
scars, tattoos and his big motorcycle.
But it's not only that, I am pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his
caravan in the forest. He wants to have many more children with me, and that's one
of my dreams too. I've learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone and we will be
growing it for us and Ahmed's friends. They're the ones providing us with all the
cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime we'll pray to Allah, for
science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better. He deserves it.
Don't worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his
friends Leroy and Jamal make in the basement. Apparently I can earn £200 per
scene. I get a £200 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene and an
extra £100 for the deer.
Don't worry Mum. Now I am fifteen I know how to take care of myself. Someday
we will visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.
Your loving Daughter
Sandra x x x x
v
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P.S. Dad, it's not true. I,m watching TV at the neighbours.
I just wanted to show you that there really are worse things in life than
England losing the Ashes. x x x

[paulntoi]

Went to the one day match here in Perth expecting to be witness to the Great Aussie whitewash.

Such is life.

[Siani]

The current banking crisis explained by an Welshman

Young Dai bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry Dai,
but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Dai replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Dai said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Dai said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Dai said, 'Course I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody
he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Dai and asked,
' What happened with that dead donkey?'

Dai said, 'I raffled him off.. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each
and made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Dai said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'


Dai now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland!!!! ...

[Chromeman]

Kind of bad since it makes fun of the current flooding in the UK, but still funny...



"And today on Weight Fighters, we welcome Mandy from Somerset, who has lost an incredible 3 stone in one week, so, how have you managed it Mandy.?"

"I've stopped going to McDonalds, KFC and Burger King and the local Kebab shop" she said.

"That must have taken some really strong "Will Power" Mandy..?

"Not really", she said, "I can't bloody swim..!"

[richard]

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London. Paddy looked in one
of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.

The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per
pair".

Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at those prices! We could buy a whole lot of
clothes and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune.

Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if
they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try
to screw us. I'll put on my best English accent."

"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da
business," said Mick.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50
suits at £5.00 each,100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at
£2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"








The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."

[Dannie Boy]

This has probably done the rounds before, but worth another airing.




* LIFE IN THE 1500'S *

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s:


Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water.

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying. It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead ringer.

And that's the truth. Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

Educate someone. Share these facts with a friend

[Dannie Boy]

And another one




SIMPLE TRUTH #1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH #2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is rarely appreciated."


THE FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Bentley than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.


AND A BONUS RULE:

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex; a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!...