Best of British

[Big Boy]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Pagey]

Ethics Test



This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.



The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.



Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.



You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.



This is a flood of biblical proportions.



You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.



There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.



You move closer, somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realise who it is.

It's Cristiano Ronaldo!



At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under.



You have two options--you can save the life of Cristiano Ronaldo or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the football world's most exiting player's.



So here's the question, and please give an honest answer :



Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

[Big Boy]

A mother and father take their 6-year-old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's so he goes back to ask her why that is.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[Big Boy]

What I did on my summer holiday
By Theo Walcott Esq aged 8 1/2

I went to a place called Germany with my Uncle Sven and some other grown ups.

It is a country in Europe where a bad man called Adolf used to live with his nazties, he does not live there anymore, Uncle Owen does live there, and the grown ups say I cant talk about the bad man as it will make Uncle Owen cry if I do.

In Germany there are lots of castles and some mountains.

We are staying in a place called Baden Baden that's a silly name, Uncle Frank has the same name as his dad, that's silly too, his mum must get their underpants mixed up all the time.

On the aeroplane Uncle Sol sat next to me, he got me some toffee and wants to be my friend, he works at the place where I do my YTS, so does Uncle Freddy but him and Uncle Sol are not best friends anymore.

Uncle Owen met us at the airport, he talks foreign, Uncle Wayne, Uncle Steven and Uncle David also talk funny, my mum says Uncle David talks like Orville, he is a duck, Uncle Sol say's uncle David wears dresses and knickers, and asked me if I had ever worn them. Uncle Sol got me some pop.

In Germany the grown ups are going to play football, my grandad says we beat them in the olden days before my mum was born. That is a long time ago.

While the grown ups went to play football so I went shopping with Auntie Vicky and some other girls she bought me a big ice cream and got herself a little one but she said she was full before she had eaten any and threw it away. She bought lots of shoes and handbags and let me play with Brooklyn.

She say's she used to be in a pop band and sang me one of her songs, I think she was telling fibs.

I told Uncle Sol about my day out with Vicky and he sulked, then he bought me an even bigger ice cream with lots of hundred's & thousands on it.

All the other grown up's have a girlfriend except Uncle Sol so he plays with me while they go out. Uncle Sven says I must keep Uncle Sol happy, that's why I got taken on holiday.

The grown ups went to play Football against somebody called Sweden, Uncle Sol was crying as Uncle Freddy played for them and would not talk to him.

Uncle Sol bought me lots of toffee today and some crisps. Uncle Sven is from Sweden and I heard him on the phone to their boss last night. Uncle Michael hurt his knee and had to go home to his mum for a plaster. Uncle Peter is a giant, a proper giant like you see in books, he is rubbish at football though.

Uncle Wayne had a sore toe at the start of out holiday but it got better so they let him play football. Uncle Sol got me a present but I do not like it.
He says all Germans wear leather underpants and I should while we are here, they are too tight for me.

All the grown ups started to call Uncle Wayne a potato head who stood on somebodys spuds. He got shouted at by the referee.

They are all saying that we have to go home now.

Uncle Sol was crying again and I had to sit on his knee to make him stop. He had his mobile phone in his pocket, I think.

[Guess]

A guy is sitting in the Gym dressing room after a lunchtime workout and the Cellphone rings. He answers it.

Lady. Hello Darling How are you.
Guy. I'm fine.
Lady. I has seen a great new outfit at a mere snip for $1200. Can I get it for the party on Saturday.
Guy. Yeah sure I want you to look god.
Lady. Well while you in this mood I have got some good news for you.
Guy. OK what's that.
Lady, Well you know that hous on the hill we have always dreamt of, well its come on the market for $3,000,000. Can we please get it. I have found a buyer for ours already.
Guy. Yeah sure sounds good to me.
Lady. Just one more thing.
Guy. OK what is it honey?
Lady. We can not fit the Expedition on the driveway so can I part exchange for one of those georgous European inported BMW X5s. I have checked ot the finance and we can just afford it.
Guy. Yeah tou go ahead honey Im sure you have all the finaces figured.

Lady. Thank you darling. Big kisses. (Hangs up phone.)

Guy stands up and shouts "Anybody know who owns this cellphone"

[Big Boy]

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henry Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright or ( Kenny Martin )
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
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To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo theory to his buddy Norm .
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

[Pagey]

In his divorce settlement Paul McCartney has given his ex wife, Heather Mills, a plane.

However, she still has to use a razor on her other leg..................

[dr dave soul monsta]

In the year 2006 , the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in
England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard
but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building
Regulations Approval because the Ark was over 30m2. I've been arguing with
the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim
that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my
garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is
a temporary structure, but the roof is too high. We had to go to appeal to the
Secretary of State for a decision.

The Local Area Access Group complained that my ramp was going to be too
steep and the inside of the Ark wasn't fully accessible, then the Department of
Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power
lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's
move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they
would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation
Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up
in order to protect the brown-TrainSpot owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists
that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane
to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority
ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental
impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission
on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team .

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only
CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming
I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish
this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched
across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not
going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

[lomuamart]

Looking forward to "the land of political correctness" in a month or so.

[Kraka's Dad]

To today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were children in the fifties and sixties probably shouldn't have survived because:
(a) Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint, which was promptly chewed and licked.
(b)We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
(c) When we rode our bicycles, we did not wear helmets.
(d) We would ride in cars without seat belts or air bags. Riding 'shotgun' in the passenger seat was a treat.
(e) We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
(f) We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it; but we were never overweight because we were always playing outside.
(g) We shared one drink with four friends from one bottle or can and no one actually died from doing this.
(h) We would spend hours building go-karts out of scraps of wood and metal and then went top speed downhill in them, only to realise too late that we had forgotten to include brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
(i) We would leave home in the morning and play all day.
We did not return home until it was dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one seemed to mind.
(j) We did not have Playstations or x-Boxes. In fact, no video games at all. There were just three channels on television (for those of us that had TV). There was no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers or Internet chat rooms. But we had friends - we went out into the world and met them.
(k) We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt. We fell out of trees, got cut and suffered broken bones; but there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learned to cope with them.
(l) We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue; but we always recovered.
(m) We WALKED to friends' homes.
(n) We rode our bikes in packs of seven and wore our coats by just the hood.
(o) The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law and were caught was unheard of. Parents actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
(p) The generation that grew up in the 1950's produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past fifty years has seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned to deal with it all.
(q) And you are one of them.
Congratulations! Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real kids - before lawyers and governments regulated our lives, for our own good.

[Big Boy]

Number One Idiot of 2005
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that
the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter
into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation
happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat
in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Number Two Idiot of 2005
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft
from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter
coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that
activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Number Three Idiot of 2005
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of Montreal, walked into the branch and
wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that
someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached
the teller's window. So he left the Bank of Montreal and crossed the street to the CIBC.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller. She read it
and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the
harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written
on a Bank of Montreal deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a CIBC deposit
slip or go back to Bank of Montreal.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of Montreal.

Number Four Idiot of 2005
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed
using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several
days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture,
this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Number Five Idiot of 2005
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash
from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle
of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and
said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't
believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave
it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he
put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that
he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Idiot Number Six of 2005
A pair of Manitoba robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote.

[Big Boy]

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

"To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset. I shall be home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math's teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your
secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

[Big Boy]

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "That's easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks?

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. That's 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog comes along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."

"So, when do I start?"

[chelsea]

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN MANCHESTER TOO LONG
1. You go mad when somebody who is not from Manchester says 'mad fer it', "Nobody says that EVER!" you scream.
2. You say 'mad fer it' when back in Manchester.
3. You think fisherman's hats are attractive.
4. You support Man City out of principle.
5. You see Coronation Street stars all the time and think nothing of it.
6. You think Londoners are 'soft southern wankers'... until they kick
your head in at a footie match.
7. You get a freckle and consider yourself 'sun-tanned'
8. You deny that it rains all the time as you struggle home with the
shopping in yet another torrential downpour.
9. You won't pay more than £1.50 for a wrap of skag.
10. People start yawning when you talk about how great Manchester is.

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LIVERPOOL TOO LONG
1. You have an urge to steal.
2. You think Brookside is a 'glamorous' soap.
3. You think Hollyoaks is 'posh'.
4. You keep going on about how great Liverpool and Scousers are.
5. To you, organised crime is putting petrol in the getaway car.
6. You start to cry when you hear 'Ferry cross the Mersey'.
7. You think anyone from Liverpool has a great sense of humour.
8. You often wonder why you don't hear of many Scouse comedians any more.
9. You think everyone's heard of Greg Pateras
10. You start thinking that Plymouth sounds nice.

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN GLASGOW TOO LONG
1. You say 'pish' all the time.
2. You say 'aye' all the time.
3. You end sentences with 'like' i.e. 'I'm no goin' there, like, it's
pish'.
4. You think McEwans beer is great, ignoring the fact it 'tastes of pish like'.
5. You get an urge to punch everybody you meet.
6. You punch everybody you meet.
7. You get drunk before, after and during punching everybody you meet..
8. You are incomprehensible.
9. People seem to be scared of you when you say where you are from.
10. You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words 'Edinburgh' or 'England'.
11. You have heart disease aged 26 due to all deep-fried pizzas you have consumed since birth.
12. You don't wash.

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN DUBLIN TOO LONG
1. You say "I'm Grand" all the time.
2. You think of Guinness as if it is the sixth food group.
3. You disagreed with 2. - Guinness is the FIRST food group.
4. You're pale and white... yet compared to others your suntan looks good.
5. You say "Are you Grand ?" all the time.
6. You say "Isn't it grand" all the time.
7. You say "That'd be grand" all the time.
8. You can pronounce names like Eoghan, Niamh and Siobhan.
9. You take 4 hours to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing of it.
10. You don't eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat, bread or potatoes
11. You say "Your man" all the time.
12. You say "Your woman" all the time.
13. You say "It's grand that your man asked if I'm grand" all the time.
14. You find yourself still living with family and having dinners cooked for you by someone's mammy - at 30.
15. You talk about 'dinners' and 'mammys'.

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LONDON TOO LONG
1. You say 'mate' constantly.
2. You think it is perfectly normal to pay over £3.00 for a pint.
3. Anyone not from London is 'wanker'.
4. Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a 'Northern Wanker'.
5. You have no idea where the North is.
6. You see All Saints in the Bar Med (again) and find it hard to get excited about it.
7. The countryside makes you nervous.
8. Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.
9. American tourists no longer annoy you.
10. You talk in postcodes. "God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day".
11. You can't remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car.
12. You didn't realise that 'Paddington Green' is REAL.
13. You pay £2.95 for a frigging caramel frigging crapachino Starbucks
muck coffee

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN CARDIFF TOO LONG
1. You are still there.

[Big Boy]

Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those
who got there first.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.