Best of British

[Big Boy]

This is what we have been waiting for...the true answers to the 5 most
important questions in the world:

Q1. WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."

Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them >down, make a tyre, and call it a Goodyear.

Q4. WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because, when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they
take your house and car with them.

Q5. WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

[Big Boy]

How to be Annoying
• Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
• Drum on every available surface.
• Staple papers in the middle of the page.
• Ask 0800 operators for dates.
• Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire copy warnings and Simon Bates "Whenever you rent or buy a video..." bits.
• Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
• Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
• Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
• Set alarms for random times.
• Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
• Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavour off.
• Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
• Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
• Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
• Dress only in clothes coloured Hunter's Orange.
• Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
• Tape pieces of "The Grumbleweeds" over climactic parts of rental movies.
• Wear your trousers backwards.
• Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
• Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
• Leave someone’s printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode. (Please note: Dot Matrix printers only.)
• ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
• only type in lowercase.
• dont use any punctuation either
• Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
• Pay for your dinner with pennies.
• Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
• Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
• Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
• Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
• Light road flares on a birthday cake.
• Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
• Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
• Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
• Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
• At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
• When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
• Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
• As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
• Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
• Finish the 99 green bottles song.
• Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song.
• Leave your indicator on for fifty miles.
• Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
• Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
• Name your dog "Dog."
• Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
• Ask people what gender they are.
• Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
• Lick the filling out of all the jammy Dodgers, and place the biscuit parts back in the tray.
• Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
• Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "good one."
• Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
• Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Glade Air Freshener.
• Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains.
• While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
• Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
• Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
• Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
• Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
• Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
• Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
• Wear a LOT of cologne.
• Ask to "interface" with someone.
• Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
• Sing along at the opera.
• Mow your lawn with scissors.
• At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
• Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
• Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
• Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
• Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
• Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket." Hmmm Geoff Boycott?
• Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture."
• Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
• Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
• Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
• Never make eye contact.
• Never break eye contact.
• Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
• Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
• Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
• Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in an annoying John Motson or Jimmy Hill voice.
• Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
• Make appointments for the 31st of September.
• Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

[Big Boy]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter,

"What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste!

Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

[Big Boy]

An old man was sitting on his front porch in Saskatchewan watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round thing in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy!, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks".

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat.â€

[Big Boy]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

[Perente]

SYDNEY(AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Parramatta, NSW courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[richard]

Roll on 2009

[Big Boy]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house."

[dane48]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house."

Not heard that one before - excellent

[Big Boy]

Liverpool FC have signed Michael Jackson.


At a press conference Jacko said that the prospect of being spanked by 11 kids at home was too good to turn down.

[Big Boy]

Paddy O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

Paddy said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

Oh, that is very nice indeed, Paddy!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking friends on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Paddy won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[Big Boy]

I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are moving to India. I'm so excited!

I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there.

Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.

Charles Turner



I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it would be largely pointless.

Mike Potts



Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' who also say 'hanging's too good for them'?

Make your right wing minds up.

Christina Martin



Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy.

Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed.

What's healthy about that?

Mark J, Barnsley



AM I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss?

Everyday the papers are full of stories from blokes claiming to have banged her.

It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just wondering if there is some sort of queuing system in place.

Zak Cassidy, e-mail



TO THE zoo keeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older"

when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse:

I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.

Joe McKeown



I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

Neil Palmer



ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of her marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the

couple's private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to the public taking an interest in her personal business.

If only she had mentioned it in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step and Out On A Limb,or the 'About Heather' section of her website

www.heathermillsmccartney .com, or perhaps when she sold her life story to the News of the World in 1993.

Perhaps then the public would have got the message and left her to live her life out of the constant glare of publicity.

A Cherry, Leeds



PROFESSIONAL footballers have hit the headlines recently for indulging in gamesmanship - diving and playacting and so on.

Well at least they are now limiting their disgraceful behaviour to the pitch these days.

It wasn't so long ago that they were out beating up Pakistanis, dogging in car parks and gang raping women in hotel rooms.

Let's give credit where credit is due.

T Harpic, London



THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a teaching post is, how shit must the other people at the interview have been?

T Thorne, London



WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses?

Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

Stu Bray



THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Bollocks!

I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.

Ashley Smith



I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted wife Kerry Katona.

But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes. Wise move.

Martin Mannion



Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.

Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

Colum Hill



Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's

minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

P Lorimer, Leeds



My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her.

Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?

Alun Daniel



My neighbour is an odd fellow. He's got a wall around his garden that is completely covered in leaves!

And every week in summer, he goes out and trims it with an enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what he'll get up to next.

J Barratt, Nottingham



When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory.

On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor sod's face told a different story.

Tommo, Hull



What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum?

My mum's 77. Beat that.

[Big Boy]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[dr dave soul monsta]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence" says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man ... "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying
fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence"

[higgy]

Multi million heiress in Australia said "I want a virgin man,a man that has never been with another woman" They looked all over Australia and eventually found an Aborigine from the backwoods.
Took him up to her mansion and into the bedroom where she lay without a stitch on.
The Aborigine started moving the furniture about,rolled the carpets up,took the curtains down,she said "Ay what ya doin?"
The Aborigine said "Well I,ve never been with a woman before but if they are owt like a kangaroo I want plenty of f*****g room"

Girl across the road has just given birth to a Viagra baby
7lbs 8 inches

What do you call 8 naked Red Indians standing on top of each other?
A scrotum pole

Little lad said "I,ve lost me dad"
Policeman said "What,s he like"?
"Beer,fags and women" said the little lad.

Little lad says to his mum "Where do babies come from"?
His mum says "Daddy puts a seed inside me"
"Did you have to swallow it"?
"Only if I want a new coat love"

Why the f***k is there only one manufacturer of the board game Monopoly?

Yesterday me and the wife had sex in the "plumbers position"
You stay in all day and nobody comes.

Farmer says to his wife"If you had bigger tits we could get rid of the cow"
Wife says "If you had a bigger dick we could get rid of the tractor driver"