The Best of Irish

[BEARHUG]

you brits were not laughing at the irish in rugby yesterday 43 - 13.

I thought it a fantastic game of Rugby, also a great day for Sport.

[bozzman101]

reminded me of my great day when i was 11 yrs old

Ireland were playing the austrlains in lansdowne my claim to fame is i brought the oranges out at half time

to give to the players the days wen the ozzies had ken katchpole

we had mike gibson got all the irish autographs

but the ozzies wouldnt give me any because they were sure they wrer going to win on the day

my godness thats 40 years ago now

[Big Boy]

bozzman,

What a fantastic experience that would have been for an 11 year old - there's no wonder you call it my great day. I bet there are plenty of youngsters today who would just love to be able to do the same thing.

[Big Boy]

bozzman,

After much tooing and froing between HansMartin and myself, we can now present the punch line to your 23rd February joke.

I just hope everybody thinks it was worth the wait........

[bozzman101]

thanks big boy

hope some ppl get a giggle out of it

nice work on the pc too i still havent a clue how to post a photo

mabey its because im irish ............lol

[richard]

Excellent

How did it get there in the first place????

[dr dave soul monsta]

Irishman working on a building site under the scaffolding when a chippy (carpenter) drops a chisel from the fourth floor and cuts his ear off. In the cabin waiting for the ambulance, the foreman says,

"Don't worry Seamus, we've saved your ear, they'll sew it back on for you at the hospital."
Seamus says "That's not my ear, mine had a pencil behind it."

[Big Boy]

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.

She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"

So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me roight foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot"

"Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them.

[Big Boy]

The catholic priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
........................All the men stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has any body seen a cock?"
.........................All the women stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
..............Half the women stood up.

"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"



.................Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

[bambergasgoigne]

"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"

Has anybody seen my cock ?
My big rhode island red
Its mostly pink with a little bit of red
and purple on its head
when it wakes up in the morning
it gives my wife a shock
has anybody, anybody, anybody, anybody,
anybody seen my cock !

sorry your joke just reminded me of an ole scout song I used to sing. (from my dear ole friend - Baden Powell)

Bamber

[Guess]

The Irish National Air Force have recently been testing a pilotless state of the art reconnaissance aircraft. To avoid the risk of injury to civilians in the event of an accident and to maintain a degree of secrecy they decide to test it over the mid Atlantic Ocean. On the maiden flight everything is going got plan when all of a sudden contact was lost. A flotilla of cruisers with air support were dispatched to locate the aircraft.

It was found very quickly but after a 24 hour sea and air search no survivors were found.

[redzonerocker]

paddy & murphy were on a camping holiday in the jungle.one day they came across a crocodile on the banks of a river with a head sticking out of its mouth.
paddy turns to murphy & says " will you look at that"
murphy replies "yep, flash bastard , showing off with his lacoste sleeping bag"

[Big Boy]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from f***in' skippin", the Irishman said.

[Big Boy]

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'

[Big Boy]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

*********************************************************
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

*********************************************************
Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

**********************************************************
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

************************************************************
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

**********************************************************
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

**********************************************************
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.