Married and a bun in the oven

[dtaai-maai]

Said and done because of numerous examples of foul play by the Thai GF. Too many have a gik or Thai husband who turns out to be the real father while the GF claims farang paternity because of his ability to pay.
Love,
Abby

Dear Abby, Take a break from the bars.
Your loving Aunty Jane.

[margaretcarnes]

To me this entire thread is utter rubbish. If the guy has any doubts, why did he marry her? The circumstances are very similar to my own, with the exception that I took my wife to the UK rather than me move to Thailand. Only he can decide what is best for him. People readily share bad experiences, but are not so quick to share good experiences.

When I decided that we should marry, yes, I had plenty of advice telling me how stupid I was. This only served to make me more determined. I don't think anybody actually supported me outside of my father and brother, who had not even met my future wife to be at that time. I ws eternally thankful for this support.

Yes, we've all heard the horror stories, but how many members of this forum are not happy with their Thai wives? Of course, there will be a few, but then again, how many of the few have also had broken marriages/relationships in their own countries?

Personally, if I'd listened to all of the advice, I'd have lost well over 20 years of happiness.

Good point BB - I don't think the thread is rubbish - but bad experiences do seem to outweigh the good ones. Unfortunately there probably aren't any stats kept on farang/Thai marriage breakdowns.
But there does certainly seem to be an element of finance and status attached to many farang/Thai relationships, which isn't so apparent in farang/farang relationships.
A recent example is my neighbour here in the UK. Lovely Thai wife who has worked here, and worked hard. But the marriage has hit the rocks. She has a flight back to the LOS this month and her Thai friends here in the UK have told her that they have much bigger houses etc. I doubt she will come back. I hope I'm wrong....

I would certainly not be asking a 3rd party to check it out for me. If I was incapable of doing it myself, then I don't think that I should have been getting married - diminished responsibility and all that.

[jingjoe]

i married my thai wife because i was told it would give me more rights as a legal guardian of a child,if not married in tessabahn and we split she could take off with the child and it would be hard for me to fight for access.
I am now recently divorced,have a 13month old child.We went to the amphur we split everything 50/50 and with the help of a lawyer we drew up an agreement on the care of our child and how much access each parent gets.The agreement has been recorded with the divorce and cannot be disputed now.
Just an added note i am paying for the childs upkeep while ex is caring for the child,but when he goes to school in a few years he will live with me and the amphur has recorded in the agreement that she must pay 3000bht a month towards the childs welfare.So the laws aren't onesided here if you do things properly

[Big Boy]

Maybe, rather than just list the negatives, people could also start saying why their marriage to a Thai lady has worked. Or how they have dealt with the extended family - who, I agree, will often try to bleed you dry if you don't stop them.

Any marriage is a partnership, and you have to work at it together, or it isn't going to work, whether you come from Essex, Korat or Mars. If you think you're marrying a sex slave, or somebody who will clean for you - think again. You get out of a marriage, what you are prepared to put in.

[margaretcarnes]

I have clearly completely screwed up that last reply BB - sorry!

[Mod Edit] I've unscrewed it a bit (loosened the cap so to speak), but don't know exactly how you wanted it to look.

[richard]

BB,

Many people act on impulse not common sense especially wearing rose tinted... and it involves a young doey eyed lady.

Seen it so many times and you can't convince them to take a long cool logical approach to the matter. So they find out the hard way. As stated by me before my friend was aware there was a lot to learn but being young and impulsive with an ambition to marry and have children he plunged in. His first encounter with an influential family after the bun was already in the oven started him asking me questions.

In no way was I going to turn my back on him and as I had never experienced the situation I offered to appeal to the forum where there are many people who have been resident here in Thailand far longer than me and who had some experience of the situation.

[margaretcarnes]

i married my thai wife because i was told it would give me more rights as a legal guardian of a child,if not married in tessabahn and we split she could take off with the child and it would be hard for me to fight for access.
I am now recently divorced,have a 13month old child.We went to the amphur we split everything 50/50 and with the help of a lawyer we drew up an agreement on the care of our child and how much access each parent gets.The agreement has been recorded with the divorce and cannot be disputed now.
Just an added note i am paying for the childs upkeep while ex is caring for the child,but when he goes to school in a few years he will live with me and the amphur has recorded in the agreement that she must pay 3000bht a month towards the childs welfare.So the laws aren't onesided here if you do things properly

Sorry jingjoe - but you had a 50/50 split of assets which did not take account of the fact that you are still having to pay for upkeep of the child. That is not a 50/50 split. You are paying out more.
Ok - yes when your child goes to school the roles will be reversed - but what kind of guarantee do you have that you will receive that 3000 a month for his upkeep? Do you have a guarantee from the court that they would pursue your ex if she fails to return the child to you as agreed?

[Big Boy]

I understand that richard, and I accept that you're trying to help your friend. However, with this type of thread you always seem to get the 'why you shouldn't' with no balance of 'why you should'.

This is a huge life decision, and your friend, if he needs help, should be getting both sides of the picture, not just the dark side.

As an example, there are many Farangs on this forum who are happy with their lot. Back in the UK, I know dozens (probably hundreds) of Thai/Farang couples who are happy.

Yes, I've read the horror stories here in Thailand, and for a few of our friends in the UK, it sadly hasn't worked either. However, the majority do work, if they work at them. There will obviously be unforeseen cultural differences to overcome, but this is why I said you need a 'the reason my marriage worked is' section/argument to balance things out.

At the end of the day, only your friend can deal with it.

[jingjoe]

You have to remember margaret there is no social security here in thailand,my ex can't work because she is caring for our son so where does the money come from if i don't contribute.I see my son every week,she has to drive an hour to my house,how does she pay for petrol?
The document we signed at the amphur,my lawyer says is enforceable by a court,if my wife didn't contribute the 3000bht towards childs care,then i could deny access.
I would also like to add ,although i pay for my sons upkeep,my ex is with the baby 24/7 waking up every four to six hours for feeds,caring for him when he is sick,caring for him also when she is sick!,so it might seem that i contribute more financially, but it would be pretty hard to put a dollar value on what she contributes.

gawd now i am defending my ex

[Roel]

I understand the urge of some posters to add something 'positive' here. But someone telling he is happily married for 20 years with a lovely Thai lady and it was the best decision he ever made does not mean anything to Richard's friend. The only advice with any practical value is unfortunately the worst-case-scenario-advice. Give him that and then let us all hope he will never need it.

Richard indicates that his friend is actively seeking advice so that is a good thing. In love and rose tinted glasses maybe but also fully aware of the fact that any marriage or relationship CAN go wrong.

The most dreary cases I have seen in my 18 years in Thailand evolved when the person stopped every discussion, argument, or advice with the dreaded words: "she is different", or even worse "you do not understand".

This does not seem the case here. A good start. I would say go for it AND be prepared.

[Big Boy]

But someone telling he is happily married for 20 years with a lovely Thai lady and it was the best decision he ever made does not mean anything to Richard's friend.

I agree entirely, but that was only the lead up to my suggestion that a balanced argument is required - not just the bad side. I'm working on the assumption that richard's friend is not stupid, and has done what he has done up until now based on a foundation of true love, and not lust. I did meet richard's friend (I think) briefly, and he didn't come across as stupid to me.

The advice I am seeing is, 'what a plonker you are going to lose everything'. Sorry if that is harsh, but I think the advice is very depressing, and one-sided.

I still maintain that he needs a balanced argument, not something that is going to totally depress him. With a balanced argument, he will have the ammunition to make a reasoned decision. With the advice this thread is giving, he's going to run a mile.

I know a few of the posters who have commented - some have made it work. So why is richard's friend so different? Richard, maybe you could answer that one.

[richard]

Yes BB,

You have met him and he is bright but as said before, he wants to hear of good and bad. After all would you buy a car without researching reviews and gathering good and bad opinions?

I know in posting on any forum you are going to get a lot of negatives but surely that is good info to enable you to avoid falling into the same traps.

My gut feel is they will be happy if they 'work on it'. At the moment it's rosy as most of us will have experienced. The hard bit is to come and that is the bit to work on.

Got to go. Lunching with them both today

Thanks for all the comments. They will be passed on to him in my usual Tyke subtle tactful manner

[dtaai-maai]

After all would you buy a car without researching reviews and gathering good and bad opinions?

No, and I wouldn't buy the car, drive it round for a few months and then start doing my research. And if it was working well and I was perfectly happy with it, I wouldn't be too chuffed to hear it was likely to fall apart in a couple of years, but never mind, I know a good lawyer who can get some of your money back for you.

[Big Boy]

[TakeitToTheMax]

Thai law is very clear on divorce as I am going through it myself right now.

The division of assets are 50/50 based on all assets accrued by both parties from the date of marriage. Anything you had before the marriage stays yours.

If you have assets overseas they will not be considered by the Thai court, the second party if they wish to get any of your overseas assets will have to apply to the country where the assets are held and if the marriage has not been registered in that country the case will be thrown out of court. I have just finalized this.

It should also be remembered that should you purchase land, house, car etc for your wife in her name after the marriage these assets will be split 50/50 however if you can prove that you purchased the assets with funds you had prior to the marriage the Thai court WILL accept this and the assets will yours.

As for putting a car in your name or hers it really makes no difference, the value of the car if purchased after the marriage took place will be based on present day market value and you will receive 50%, the unfortunate thing is she will be able to keep the car if she can pay you the 50%. Best is to buy the car on HP and let them take it back if all goes pear shaped.

For the guy in question I would say be happy you are married and have a child on the way, it's a beautiful thing. Maybe don't go buying too much in the first year or so and make no big investments in Thailand. Whatever you do DO NOT give cash to the family as there is no way this will be taken into consideration by the Thai court.

In many ways getting divorced here has turned out to be much simpler and clear cut than when I got divorced overseas.

My wife has been very successful in business and to her surprise and intense anger the court has instructed that I am entitled to 50% of all that she has accrued since our marriage.