When potting a reeply on the forum firstly open MSWord by double clicking on the little W icon somewheir on you screen. This will invoak a illegal copy of a peace of software called a Wrod Processer.
Type in your reply and press the F7 key. Bill gates will personally check and correct all you spelliung misteaks not realizing that you hav payed Jak Shit for his services.
Then cut and paste all your text into the reply.
All membersof the forum will be suiatably imprest at how articulate and cohearent you apear to be when in fact you are really a dickslecti, unedumacated moreon with index fingers can can hit ten keys at the same time.
Looked like Dave's best tiyping to me
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Trouble is - some do like it Upham
Start up a laundry delivery and collection service. You can charge about 400 Baht per person per month. This of course is not much but you can substantially increase your earnings by going into the second hand clothing market.
In one month from one man you will get 31 pairs of socks, 31 shirts, 31 pairs of underpants, a few pair of jeans and dockers plus a whole load of bed linen.
You only need to hang the clothes out in the rain for a couple of days and then return only 75% of the apparel to the customer while collecting your 400 Baht.
The remaining 25% which you ensure is only of the best quality you can sell on at Pae Mai market or to your friends.
The additional bonus is that you will never have to buy clothes for yourself or your family any more. If you can find a female customer then it can be even more lucrative with expensive jackets and designer tops to choose from.
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All cars, trucks and motorcys are now fitted with little yellow flashing lights at the front and back of the vehicle which are controlled by a little swith on the handlebars of motorcys and on a stalk on the steering column of trucks and cars..
I have now mastered the use of these pretty little lights.
They have an amazing effect on farang riders and drivers. If a farang is about to overtake you, (for some strange reason farang nearly always overtake to your right), the switch on the right flashing yellow lights. The farng will freeze in his tracks and relent on his/her bid to overtake you.
To add to the amusement you can switch on the right flashing lights when turning left and the left flashing lights when turning right.
The lights seem to have a strange mesmerising effect on farang causing them to momentarily lose the few driving skills that they had.
It is also possible to confuse pedestriansby turning on the left flashing light when a farang is about to cross a side road. He/she will stop dead in their tracks and stare at you making strange head movements.
PS. It is a good idea to practice the use of these light first by getting a friend to stand outside the vehicle and shout to you to tell you which lights are flashing as you areplaying with the switch.
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More road tips: We have the Highway Code to follow, here you can take notes from the Thaiway Code ...
Starting off with a related one to the excellent tips above regarding these mystical yellow flashing lights. When approaching a junction (bit in the road where another road crosses it) turn them both on at the same time. Not only does this look cool but it also gives you the last minute opportunity to change your mind without warning and go in a different direction simply by turning off the appropriate yellow light.
Trucks: never bother using lights especially when travelling at speed on the highway. Everybody knows they make your battery go flat.
When on a motorcycle always pull off the most dangerous maneuver when your kids are squeezed in front and behind you hanging for dear life onto the handle bars. This will show them what brave parents you are and train them how to drive properly when they themselves grow up and become menaces on the roads.
Benz drivers: ignore all tips, signs and anything else to do with driving, only you exist, nobody else, only you.
Road markings. Take your time and marvel at the pretty patterns the local tessabahn have painted on the roads. To think, they have gone to all this trouble to entertain you so swerve across the roads to make sure you dont miss any!
If anybody ever says to you that driving on the wrong side of the road is dangerous you can tell them with authority that it is rubbish.
In France, Germany, Spain and even the third world countries like USA and Canada it is a legal obligation to drive on the wrong side the road at all times.
[color=blue][size=134]Care in the community success story.[/size][/color]
Are you thinking of doing a round the world tour before getting into the nitty gritty hard work of university? Are you thinking of stopping off here in Thailand?
If so here is a list of tips and essential belongings, none of which are available in Thailand.
Girls.
Toothbrush, toothpaste, mouthwash.
Two hundred tampons.
Soap, flannels and towels.
Nail brushes and hair brushes.
Magazines with plenty of make up tips and advice on how to attract men.
Ten pairs of assorted shoes, boots, trainers.
One month’s supply of bras and knickers.
Plenty of socks.
Cuddly toys.
Head scarves and hats.
As many pairs of sunglasses that you have.
Your granny’s unwanted bathing costume.
Two economy packs of industrial strength condoms.
Walkman with your life time’s collection of drivel.
A set of pots and pans for cooking.
A full set of cutlery.
Two anoraks.
Ten pairs of tatty loose fitting shapeless pantaloons.
Ten to twenty skimpy tops.
Six woollen jumpers.
Your least smeggy jeans for that special occasion.
Loads of chocolate.
Air freshener. This is cheaper than deodorant and smells just the same as any deodorant that you could afford.
Boys.
One pair of three quarter length trousers with the gusset at least one foot below your crutch.
One bandana to make you look really cool.
A large assortment of Girlie mags for those cold nights in the North.
At least thirty pairs of stinking trainers. You will guarantee to loose most of them before your trip is over.
A few packs of condoms with the teats pierced.
One pair of socks.
One pair of underpants.
Walkman with at least one hundred tapes or CDs of crap that you don’t actually like but members of your peer group have told you is very trendy. The louder the better so as to give maximum annoyance to fellow travellers and sleeping companions.
Sleeping bags and two blankets for those extra cold nights in the North.
Everything from the top shelf of your wardrobe including your cuddly toys. (Make sure that your mates are told that these are symbolic mascots other wise they will take you for a woossie).
Both sexes.
1000 grams of Golden Virginia hand rolling paper and twenty packs of king size Rizlas.
Three bottles of Asda own label vodka.
The contents of you kid sister’s piggy bank.
Whatever money you could scrounge from your parents.
Thigh length leather boots, leather thong and peephole bra. These items are essential when you eventually run out of money because you parents have stopped sending it as you are consistently running over budget. You will need the attire to obtain gainful employment in Patpong, Pattaya or Patong. They are equally useful for both boys and girls.
Disposable camera to record, for all eternity, you making a complete prat of yourself.
Travel
Carrying your goods around with you, from Bangkok on the Skytrain and Underground to the jungle trails of Chang Rai is no problem. Get yourself the largest back-pack you can find and ensure that it has the facility to strap the sleeping bag and blankets on the back. Additional purchase a security net. This will deter the thieving tow rags that accompany you from nicking your stuff. You do not have to worry about Thai people though as you will have nothing they want and they are generally more honest than the people you are used to.
Skytrain.
Just buy the cheapest ticket available. When you get off at your selected destination immediately stop after stepping down from the train and look overhead for the direction signs. You should be able to figure out which direction to go in under thirty minutes. When the security guard tells you that you have the wrong ticket just act dumb after all you are only a stupid farang so it will be expected.
Trains.
Always leave your luggage in the central aisle next to your seat as it will be too big to fit into the luggage rack. This way you can keep an eye on it and ensure that other backpackers do not steal you belongings. You can always move it to someone else’s seat when they get up to take a pee.
Thai restaurants and bars.
Always check the prices of every item before taking your seat. Always be ready to haggle. Prices are never what is shown on the menu. With drinks always make sure that you know what the price is in 7/11 so that you know what the correct price should be. If you are from the west the Thais will always expect to charge you more thinking that you come from rich families and have unlimited expense accounts. They do not realise that you are a load of good for nothing scroungers that a never lifted a finger in your lives.
Never leave a tip. You are unlikely to return and even if you did they would probably not serve you.
Farang (Western) Bars.
Do not under any circumstances visit these establishments. There has been numerous occurrences of serious assaults by farang landlords on innocent young travellers. This is not because you block the entrances with your luggage, argue that the prices are too high or simply stink the place out with you filthy unwashed bodies but mainly because they are generally semi-retired old farts with massive chips on their shoulders with Thai families to support and are extremely jealous of your youth and independence.
Places to go.
Chang Mai. When you return home it will impress your friends and make your parents think that your trip was in some way culturally educational.
Patpong. Great entertainment and a chance of earning some spare cash but everywhere in Bangkok is really cool and you will have the opportunity to mix with others of your kind.
Koh Phangan. Here you will have the opportunity to gatecrash a full moon party, get friendly with some local and maybe given some local hooch. Of course though you will always have the Vodka to fall back on if this fails. You will be able to get a free bed for the night so long as you are not to fussy about who you sleep with.
Places to avoid.
Pattaya. Full of thirty something bricklayers, electricians and plumbers who will always be in the company of one or more Thai ladies who will treat as a second class citizen. This is probably more than you deserve.
Hua Hin.
Full of retired old farts with absolutely nothing to do at all. Keep away at all costs. The few backpackers that have dared to get of the train or bus in Hua Hin have all vanished without trace.
[color=blue][size=134]Care in the community success story.[/size][/color]
Havent had any of these for a while so I thought I'd provide some tips on saving fuel during these hard times.
1) Whenever you need to leave your car or pickup anywhere for more than 5 minutes always leave the engine running. The cabin will stay at that icy cold temperature you've been acclimatized to your whole life and you wont have to waste energy turning the key when you get back in. The added bonus is that you get to choke half the street with your carbon monoxide fumes.
2) When on a motorcycle and waiting for a train or traffic light to change, always switch the engine off, this will save fuel as we all know it doesnt use twice as much gas to start the damn thing again.
3) Keep those lights off at night as much as possible, they are in fact burning your petrol so its best just to drive without them.
4) Now that the fuel stations are shut at night buy as much gas as you can during the day! Those smart educated people who work for the government have really thought this one over and decided that what the roads in Thailand really need is more unnecessary traffic during the day or a load of dickheads stopping on the highway at 3am as they've run out of fuel.
Yeah,
Carbon monoxide poisoning by leaving the engine running while walking 10 meters to get what you want is very useful. I've observed this tricky Thai manouevre many times and am amazed at how deftly they manage it whilst not giving a damn for any other people or living beings. Truely amazing. A definite must for survival in this wonderful country. Don't know who's though.
As far as the petrol retailing hours are concerned, I'd give Toxin and his cronies only 7 out of 10. After all they're talking about running vehicles on compressed air now and have missed the really big opportunity - solar power.
And whilst vaguely on topic, some tips for surviving as a political animal in los.
1. Open an airport and spend about 20 m bht. Whoops, the airport won't really be ready for some time yet, however the people had absolute faith in this wisdom and gambled lots of money through the lottery on the flight number of that inaugural flight. I wonder if anyone won?
2. State yesterday that Thailand would be rid of illegal drugs by Dec 31st. Whoops, I thought that had happened twice already? Must have been a misprint.
3. Eradicate poverty - excuse me?
4. Get rid of slums - ditto
5. Provide 30 Baht healthcare that, whilst a noble gesture, is totally unsustainable. Who pays the taxes anyway?
6. Donate 2 cows to poor farmers upcountry. The increase in cow population will be realised through artificial insemination and take some years to achieve.
These are just some of the tips I've picked up on over the past 2-3 weeks.
Reckon I'll run for PM. Surely no one can br more stupid than me?
All this Tesco stuff about parking has inspire my solution. It has been tried and test and only ever resulted in an altercation always in a language that I could not speak.
If you feel that the bike parks are too narrow just park in a truck section. If you have a truck then just find two adjacent empty ones and park right in the middle with the white line right down the centre of the truck. This will avoid door knocks and allow easy access when you return.
I learnt this one in the US. When I could find space to park my Ford Expedition because all of the avaialable places were marked COMPACT, then just find three of them and park longways.
You need to learn to speak "Not Understand" in about four languages to cover yourself completely.
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1. Mop the floor and leave the mop on the floorboards so that the water drips down through the ceiling to the floor below. This will save you the ardous task of squeezing it out .
2. You can then sit down and watch TV for an hour while the mop gets dry.
3. Start dusting the furniture ensuring only to dust the places that you can see. What the eye does not see the heart will not grieve over.
4. You can then have a rest for a couple of hours and watch TV again.
5. Get a feather duster and quickly flick over the odd bits that you missed with duster.
6. Don't worry about all the dust and shit that you have deposited on the floor when doing the dusting. If you are lucky the wind will blow it all over the place. The worst thing that will happen is that it will stay there until the next day and it can easily be mopped up by your replacement after you phone in sick. When you phone in sick you can sitt and watch TV all day.
7. You will find that sitting watching TV all day and watching the work being done by other people will make you feel much better and you will be able to have an entertaining evening playing pool and drinking.
[color=blue][size=134]Care in the community success story.[/size][/color]
Street cleaners & motorbike taxi drivers (?!),
Decide that 5 am is the absolute optimum time for sweeping in front of a house with 15 dogs in the garden. Ignore their barking, ignore the stupid farang screaming at them and eventually at you. Ignore the other 30 dogs inside her house, who also start barking. Decide that this is the perfect time for you & your motcyc taxi friend to trim the trees outside said stupid farang's house. Make as much noise as humanly possible Swing off the tree branches if possible, it all adds to the entertainment value. After all, you're already awake - why shouldn't the entire neighbourhood join you?
BTW, funniest thread I've read in a long time - why did I miss it first time around?
"The question is not, can they reason? Nor, can they talk? But, can they suffer?" - Jeremy Bentham, philosopher, 1748-1832
1. Mop the floor and leave the mop on the floorboards so that the water drips down through the ceiling to the floor below. This will save you the ardous task of squeezing it out .
2. You can then sit down and watch TV for an hour while the mop gets dry.
3. Start dusting the furniture ensuring only to dust the places that you can see. What the eye does not see the heart will not grieve over.
4. You can then have a rest for a couple of hours and watch TV again.
5. Get a feather duster and quickly flick over the odd bits that you missed with duster.
6. Don't worry about all the dust and shit that you have deposited on the floor when doing the dusting. If you are lucky the wind will blow it all over the place. The worst thing that will happen is that it will stay there until the next day and it can easily be mopped up by your replacement after you phone in sick. When you phone in sick you can sitt and watch TV all day.
