Best of British

[Condoking]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs down the motorway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another handful again he asks the little old lady,

"Why don't you eat the peanuts yourselves?"

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replies.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replies "We just love the chocolate around them."

[Big Boy]

An elephant asks a camel: "Why are your breasts on your back?"

"Well," says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from somebody who's dick is on his face!"

[Big Boy]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney almost died. The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you f***ing idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

[huahinsimon]

Bill Clinton called Monica Lewinski into the Oval Office. Wanna see my clock, Monica, he asks.
sure Bill she replies.
He drops is trousers and shows her his manhood.

Oh, Bill, that's not a clock, thats your cock, she says.

Bill: It will be. . . . as soon as its got two hands and a face on it!

[Big Boy]

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray , twice a day everyday for a long , long time . So she went to check it out .

She went to the Western Wall and there he was , walking slowly up to the holy site .

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes , when he turned to leave , using a cane in a very slow fashion , she approached him for an interview .

" I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN . Sir , how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying ? "

"About 60 years"

" 60 years ! That's amazing ! What do you pray for ? "

" I pray for peace between the Christians , Jews and Muslims . I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship ."

" How do you feel after doing this for 60 years ? "


" Like I'm talking to a f**kin' brick wall . " already !
[/img]

[Big Boy]

For the next time that you are away!
Best Out of Office Auto Replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I were in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-doh-viduals ! did this over and over again).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

8. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.

[Big Boy]

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the system is set up.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
* You make the bed. (+1)
* You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow. (0)
* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)
* You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5)
* In the rain. (+8)
* But return with Beer. (-5)
* You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
* You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)
* You pummel it with iron rod. (+10)
* It's her pet. (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
* You stay by her side the entire party. (0)
* You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy. (-2)
* Named Tina. (-10)
* Tina is a dancer. (-20)
* Tina has silicone implants. (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
* You take her out to dinner. (+2)
* You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
* Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)
* And it's all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
* You take her to a movie. (+1)
* You take her to a movie she likes. (+3)
* You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
* You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
* It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
* You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
* You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
* You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
* You say, "It doesn't matter; you have one, too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
* She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what]
* You hesitate in responding. (-10)
* You reply, "Where?" (-35)
* Any other response. (-20)

COMMUNICATION
* When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (0)
* You listen, for over 30 minutes.(+50)
* You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
* She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)

[Big Boy]

When Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind statement but followed it by several remarks, usual between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Jones".

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Jones in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the Good luck Mr. Jones statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Four years ago, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Jones had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbors' bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Jones. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Jones shouting at Mr. Jones.

"Oral sex? You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

[Wanderlust]

An old one but a good one BB, but the name of the neighbour was Mr Gorsky, and at the time many thought he was talking about a rival cosmonaut, until he revealed the truth many years later after the Gorskys had died. Whether true or not, it is a great story!

[Wanderlust]

Just looked it up and found this from http://www.snopes.com/quotes/mrgorsky.asp:
Any doubts about the veracity of this legend are laid to rest by the NASA Apollo 11 transcripts, which record no such statement having been made by Armstrong. Armstrong himself said in late 1995 that he first heard the anecdote delivered as a joke by comedian Buddy Hackett in California.
When the space shuttle Columbia crew completed a repair mission on the Hubble Space Telescope in March 2002, chief repairman John Grunsfeld called out (in homage to this legend) "Good luck, Mr. Hubble" as the telescope drifted off.

[Big Boy]

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

[Big Boy]

EIGHT WORDS WITH TWO MEANINGS


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

[Big Boy]

Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 92 years old.

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing, on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" so I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defence Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fools!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

[Big Boy]

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised no rash moves. The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, while the Obstetricians stated they were all labouring under a misconception. The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologist yelled, "Over my dead body". The Paediatrician said, "Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Radiologists could see right through it. The physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some arsehole in administration.

[Big Boy]

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!'

'Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery,' Mike replies. 'There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Tesco Club card points as well'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer printed the following:

i) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

ii) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet

iii) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

iv) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

v) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.

vi) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better........

Thank you for shopping at Tesco.