Best of the Rest of the World

[Dannie Boy]

Little girl on a plane

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

[Dannie Boy]

At least 36 people were hurt in a fertiliser plant explosion.

Police sources say that casualties are expected to grow.


A worker at Nestle was killed today when 2 x 500kg boxes of white chocolate fell on him.

He had tried to alert colleagues by shouting "The Milky Bars are on me" but everyone just cheered.


A man was hit over the head with a power tool today.

He was minding his own business, then "Bosch".


A man who had struck up a relationship with a Thai woman has said that a small penis should

not be a problem in a loving and mutually respectful relationship.

He was then quoted as saying that he'd be even happier however, if she didn't have one at all.

[Chromeman]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.”
The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

[Chromeman]

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"
Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

[Chromeman]

A lot of golfing in the Hua Hin area, so I guess some of you know about this problem...


A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee!” she said.
“Where?” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole.” she replied.
He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

[richard]

SEX
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Poor Lance Armstrong -
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,
especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike!!!!!

Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn't take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick Bastard!

SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25.
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's about golf. What a waste of money!
Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen

Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor: "Do you know who the father is?"
Prostitute: "For crying out loud, if you ate a can of beans
would you know which one made you fart?"

EASYJET
Paddy calls United to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?
"Paddy replies "How would I know! It's your bloody airplane."

JIM
Instead of "the John", I call my bathroom "the Jim".
That way it sounds better when I tell people; "I go to the Jim first thing every morning."
Enjoy Life and Be Happy

[richard]

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

...and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days...

[richard]

Bet most of you have been through this to a degree






"Your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired you must register a new one."

roses
“Too few characters."

pretty roses
"You must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose
"You cannot use blank spaces."

1prettyrose
"You must use at least 10 different characters."

1fuckingprettyrose
"You must use at least one upper case character."

1FUCKINGprettyrose
"You cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."

1FuckingPrettyRose
"You must use no fewer than 20 total characters."

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow!
"You cannot use punctuation.

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow

"Sorry, that password is already in use."

[richard]

An Obituary printed in the London Times...Brilliant!

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:


- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair; and
- Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became
businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their
victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:


- I Know My Rights;
- I Want It Now;
- Someone Else Is To Blame; and
- I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.

[Khundon1975]

A pervert makes a call to a lady and with heavy breathing says "do you have a tight arsehole with no hair?"

The woman replies "yes he is watching the football, who shall I say is calling?

[Dannie Boy]

ITS FLU SEASON

To avoid it... Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest. OR

Take the doctor's approach.

Think about it... When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?

They clean your arm with alcohol.....Why?

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS. So...

I walk to the pub. (exercise)

I put lemon in my gin...(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)

Tell jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)

Then I pass out. (rest)

The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!

REMEMBER:

'A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!

[Dannie Boy]

Hazardous materials data sheet of a WOMAN....

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Body surface normally covered with a film of powder and paint
2. Boils at absolutely nothing - freezes for no apparent reason
3. Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Reacts well to gold, platinum and all precious stones
2. Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning
3. The most powerful money reducing agent known

COMMON USE
1. Highly ornamental
2. Can greatly aid relaxation
3. Can be a very effective cleaning agent

HAZARDS
1. Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen
2. Possession of more than one is possible but specimens must never make contact

[richard]

Willie Nelson

The Penis Poem


My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the f***in' thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!

[pharvey]

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! .......... Well at least she kept the cat locked up!!

Capture.JPG (38.42 KiB) Viewed 806 times

[Dannie Boy]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.

The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."