Best of the Rest of the World

[Dannie Boy]

HARRY THE EAGLE

One day, Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate. Since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.

The sex was good but all the dove would say is .......... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....


NO, The duck didn't say THAT!

... Don't be SO disgusting!


The duck said....


'I am a DRAKE, I am a DRAKE, You made a MITHTAKE!!

[pharvey]

Our Old Friend Confucius.......................


Confucius Say... It's OK to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you.

Confucius Say... A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.

Confucius Say... It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.

Confucius Say... Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy.

Confucius Say... Man who mix Viagra and Laxette, doesn’t know if he's coming or going.

Confucius Say... A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

Confucius Say... Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.

Confucius Say... Viagra is like Disneyland...a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

Confucius Say... It is much better to want the mate you do not have, than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius Say... A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.

[hhfarang]

This one is for people like Homer and me...

One sunny day in January, 2017, an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine looks at the man and says, “Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here. ”The old man says, “Okay,” and walks away.

The following day the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine again tells the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The man thanks him and again just walks away.

The third day the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man and says, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man looks at the Marine and says,“Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.” The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says, “See you tomorrow, Sir!”

[richard]

Memorable Password

Always choose a memorable password!

A lady helps her husband install a new computer.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password,
selecting a word that he'll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife
and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye,
he selects a word: mypenis.


As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife
collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!














The computer had replied:


TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!

[Dannie Boy]

I took my dad to the shopping mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 76).
We decided to grab a bite at the cafe.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting near to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange and blue.
My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I wouldn’t choke on his response;
I knew he would have a good one! In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....

"Got stoned once and shagged a parrot. Was just wondering if you might be my daughter."

[Dannie Boy]

Quite appropriate for the majority of Forum


It's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!

Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your last test.
Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.

Take this test to determine if you're losing it or not.

The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

#1. What do you put in a toaster?






Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast', just give up now and go do something else.
And, try not to hurt yourself.

If you said, bread, go to Question #2.

# 2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?








Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women's Weekly or Auto World. However, if you did say 'water', proceed to Question #3.


# 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?








Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said 'green bricks', why are you still reading this??? PLEASE, go lie down!


But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question #4.


# 4. Do not use a calculator for this:

You are driving a bus from New York City to Philadelphia .
In Staten Island , 17 people got on the bus.
In New Brunswick ,6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Windsor , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Trenton , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Bristol , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
And, in Camden , 6 people get off and 3 get on.

You then arrive at Philadelphia Station.

Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!









Don't you remember your own age?!?! It was YOU driving the bus!


If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!

[Dannie Boy]

On his 70th birthday, a man from Boston was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction!

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[Nereus]

Woman "Shot" In Driveway
Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws
and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some
groceries.

Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway
with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind
the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that
Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her
if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back
of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because
the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her
head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread
dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a
loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her
in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough
and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly
recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that
could all be a coincidence.


The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date
was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

[migrant]

Finally Mac supports Windows

[richard]

I saw a bloke with a bumper sticker saying:

"I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal."

Suddenly I realised how many gynecologists

there must be on the roads in Thailand.

[Dannie Boy]

A punter was at the races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.

Suddenly, he noticed a Priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that particular horse - a very long shot - won the race!

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. As before, he blessed one of the horses.

Seeing this, the punter immediately made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small wager on the horse, hoping his luck would change.

Again, even though it was another long shot, that horse won the race.

The punter collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.
The punter was elated as he won big each time.

Before the last race, he made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings and waited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
This time the Priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on that old horse.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag staggered in dead last!

In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting him, he demanded, “Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won.
Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!”

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

“My Son,” he said, “That's the problem with you Prods, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.”

[richard]

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Moose Jaw, Wyoming for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.





The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

[Dannie Boy]

Interesting!!

[GLCQuantum]

^

You could probably whack the below pic into the mix above also. I mean...

...it is kind of a joke really.




You have to try and find the funny side of it all during these encounters.

[richard]

^

You could probably whack the below pic into the mix above also. I mean...

...it is kind of a joke really.




You have to try and find the funny side of it all during these encounters.

THAT setup is no laughing matter.......Returning from my first visit to Isaan many moons ago I was taken short (Isaan food and lao khow) on the way from the airport to HH and had to negotiate one of those. It was in a filthy state and in a run down garage. I then realised why in Thailand you never eat food with your left hand.' Oh well 'When in Rome..................'

ps...pain in the arse if you are left handed like me