Best of British

[Condoking]

The Compassionate Wife

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, 'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.' She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny.... but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'

[Big Boy]

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 50-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

HMMM.........OR COULD HE???

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED HADDONFIELD MEMORIAL HIGH SCHOOL..

'YES. YES, I DID. I HAD A FORD THUNDERBIRD.' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1956. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY & THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,





'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

[Big Boy]

A man walks in to a bar and orders 10 double whiskeys. He downs them in 1.

The barman asks, "What's up?"

My youngest son just told me he's gay," said the man.

The next day the same man enters the bar and orders 15 double whiskeys, and again downs them in one.

"What's up now?" asks the barman.

"I've just found out that my oldest son is gay," he replies.

The next day the man enters the bar and orders 20 double whiskeys.

Astounded, the barman asks, "Does no one in your family like pussy?"

"Yes" replies the man, "My wife!!"

[Condoking]

For the unaware, there is a slight difference between private schools and comprehensives in Britain.

The Department of Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam papers accordingly. Attached are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.

MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES
Name _____________________________
Nickname__________________________
Gang Name________________________

1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is GBP40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damon's GBP500 a day coke habit?
3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid to make a 20% profit. How many grams of Strychnine will he need?
4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got GBP350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends GBP33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?
5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free ?
6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets whacked?

MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS
Name____________________________________________________________
School _______________________________________________
Daddy's/Mummy's Company ____________________________

1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old man asks his local Chief Constable to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?
2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?
3. Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number of debutants, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds?
4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?
5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When will he stand for parliament?

[Big Boy]

Men Are Just Happier

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress £2000. Tux rental-£100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache..

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

[Big Boy]

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example...

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

[Big Boy]

Nursery crimes

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.
-----------------------------------------
Jack and Jill Went up the hill
To have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Franky.
-------------------------------------
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
------------------------------------------------
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over
And gave her a bone of his own.
---------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
And turned its wool to nylon
------------------------------------------
Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman, What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.
-------------------------------------------
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Said "F*ck him, He's only an egg.
-------------------------------------------------
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

[Big Boy]

Geordie lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the bannister with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally dozens of his favourite freshly cooked chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from Florrie, his Geordie wife of fifty years. Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.
.
.
.
.
"Leave them alone you greedy git" - she said, "they're for the funeral."

[Big Boy]

Condoking,

What did you do with your Mon Nov 12, 2007 4:02 pm posting? The formatting has been heywire on this thread ever since.

[Lev]

Fixed, it was the long line after "name".

[Condoking]

Fixed, it was the long line after "name".

Lev, Thanks for that, will try to avoid this in future.

[Big Boy]

That's better


A bloke went to the doctors .........having a problem with premature ejaculation.

Dr says that when you feel ready to cum give yourself a fright by firing a starter pistol in the air to prolong the sex.

Two days later the doc sees him again and asks if the situations improved .

Not good was the reply. We did a 69er then felt myself start to cum; I fired the pistol, the wife shit on my face, bit me knob off, and the milkman came out of the wardrobe with his hands up!!!!!

[Big Boy]

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.



The moral of this story is: whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason , and in the best interest of others.

[migrant]

The moral of this story is: whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason , and in the best interest of others.

Big Boy,

I must say I have enjoyed your many jokes, even from my side of the pond, but this is the funniest one of all, by far!

I shared it with my Thai Lady and even though she has been in the states 14 years, just got the traditional Thai sniff and twist of head, must be she didn't understand it!

I'll have to go explain it again to her......

[Big Boy]

You're welcome - glad you enjoy them

I get a regular supply, so don't worry - I'll continue to post the suitable ones.