Best of the Rest of the World

[hhfarang]

Making a Baby....

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good.. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

[richard]

Digital Surgery or here?

Tossed a coin so it's here



IBM is renowned for customer service and it is demonstrated here:


Mouse balls and mouse ball inspector

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was an actual memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.


"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

"Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

"Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."

[dozer]

America Has Made a Lot of Progress in the Last Six Years!

[richard]

For those of you with a Thai girl who can relate to this situation

1470213_10152005215258548_819715021_n.jpg (31.49 KiB) Viewed 742 times

[richard]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward,

then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth...

back and forth..... in and out.......

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling

down the small of her back.

She was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,





















"Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!"

[richard]

So my American friends what part of the duck do you come from?

1509695_276960175794812_34656293_n.png (194.56 KiB) Viewed 683 times

[hhfarang]

^ I guess it would be near the upper front back or wing area...

[Dannie Boy]

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other guy a 10 inch long BIC lighter. Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing". "Ok I will" says the other guy. As he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants. The man says " I want a Million Bucks". The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly overhead and the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?" The other man replies, "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC".

[Homer]

I despise when the US press that names any scandal with the 'gate' suffix. They're describing the recent release of nude celebrity photos from hacked cloud storage as 'Celebgate'. They should be using the for more descriptive name found on the interwebs: 'The Fappening'.

[arcadianagain]

I despise when the US press that names any scandal with the 'gate' suffix. They're describing the recent release of nude celebrity photos from hacked cloud storage as 'Celebgate'. They should be using the for more descriptive name found on the interwebs: 'The Fappening'.

Or the Titilating

[Homer]

Best one-liners I've seen about the iWatch:

Discreet, but not so discreet that anyone would mistake it for a regular watch.

All the convenience of a traditional watch that needs to be charged every 12 hours.

Makes it easier for muggers to see whether or not you’re carrying an expensive electronic device.

Is it worth $350 to not have to pull my phone out of my pocket to see who just texted me?

When will they answer the main question on everyone’s mind: Will it have a Dick Tracy app?

[hhfarang]

Blonde Women's Revenge:

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
--------------------------------------
A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

[Homer]

It's the 42nd mission to the International Space Station, and since that number has significance for geeks all over the known universe, the crew, likely fairly geeky themselves, made this wonderful poster to commemorate their mission.

From http://jalopnik.com/the-42nd-crew-to-th ... 1639568569

If you don't know why 42 is significant or what the poster is parodying, this won't help much: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/42_%28numb ... the_Galaxy

[Dannie Boy]

From the American Association Of Retired People

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.


Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: Leading cause of diminished sex drive among senior citizens ?
A: Nudity

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

[Dannie Boy]

Grandfathers don't know everything!

Hunter who was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with His friend Jimmy, when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.
Oh, Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with Jimmy.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds'.

And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.