A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly.
The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that, too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have got out today.'
Best of British
-
Vital Spark
- Legend
- Posts: 2047
- Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 10:34 pm
- Location: Arcos de la Frontera, Spain
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?" "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies. The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.......... "I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd 
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Q : WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."
Q : WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
A: It's Braille for "suck here".
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."
Q : WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
-
Terry
- Suspended
- Posts: 3047
- Joined: Tue Feb 07, 2006 5:53 pm
- Location: At Hua Hin Fishing Lodge, Hin Lek Fai most of the time.......
A 'fishy' sort of joke
TWO PRAWNS
Far away in the tropical waters of the Great Barrier Reef, two Prawns
were swimming around in the sea – one was called Justin and the other
called Christian.
The Prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by Sharks
which patrolled the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at
being a Prawn, I wish I was a Shark then I wouldn't have any worries
about being eaten." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator,
a mysterious Cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and
behold, Justin turned into a Shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by
his old mate.
Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself
becoming bored and lonely as a Shark. All his old mates simply swam
away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his
new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious Cod again and
can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him
back into a Prawn.
He begged the Cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he was turned
back into a Prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a drink. (The punch line does not
involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best
friend became a Shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture;
he set off to Christian's house.
As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged
on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out
and see me again.
Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a Shark, the
enemy and I'll not be tricked."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed"......................................
………………...."I've found Cod,
I'm a Prawn Again, Christian"
TWO PRAWNS
Far away in the tropical waters of the Great Barrier Reef, two Prawns
were swimming around in the sea – one was called Justin and the other
called Christian.
The Prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by Sharks
which patrolled the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at
being a Prawn, I wish I was a Shark then I wouldn't have any worries
about being eaten." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator,
a mysterious Cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and
behold, Justin turned into a Shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by
his old mate.
Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself
becoming bored and lonely as a Shark. All his old mates simply swam
away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his
new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious Cod again and
can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him
back into a Prawn.
He begged the Cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he was turned
back into a Prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a drink. (The punch line does not
involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best
friend became a Shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture;
he set off to Christian's house.
As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged
on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out
and see me again.
Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a Shark, the
enemy and I'll not be tricked."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed"......................................
………………...."I've found Cod,
I'm a Prawn Again, Christian"
A man enters the confessional and says 'Bless me father for I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.'
The priest tells the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon, another man enters the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.'
This time the priest asks, 'Who is this Fannie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replies.
'Very well,' says the priest. 'Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching very shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, 'Is that Fannie Green?'
The altar boy replies, 'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes'.
The priest tells the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon, another man enters the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.'
This time the priest asks, 'Who is this Fannie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replies.
'Very well,' says the priest. 'Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching very shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, 'Is that Fannie Green?'
The altar boy replies, 'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes'.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the area, stands up and proclaims:
"If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, if the Vicar stays, I will give him sex."
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
"Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "F*** the Vicar."
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the area, stands up and proclaims:
"If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, if the Vicar stays, I will give him sex."
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
"Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "F*** the Vicar."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger.
In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off
across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to e Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the
Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow ,"What is your
last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time..........
BRING POSSE!!!!
In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off
across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to e Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the
Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow ,"What is your
last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time..........
BRING POSSE!!!!
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. . .
Wait for it. .
She says:
"You just happened to catch my eye."
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. . .
Wait for it. .
She says:
"You just happened to catch my eye."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door...
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks.
"No way. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, give him a push and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out! Into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark,
"Hello! Are you still here?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the dark
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks.
"No way. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, give him a push and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out! Into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark,
"Hello! Are you still here?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the dark
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk
Per Angusta In Augusta.
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http://www.facebook.com/huahinhamandbacon
www.hamandbacon.co.th
-----------------------------------------------
http://www.facebook.com/huahinhamandbacon
www.hamandbacon.co.th
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
(Scroll down )
'THE TEETH.'
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
(Scroll down )
'THE TEETH.'
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED