Best of British

[Big Boy]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the local air show every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is £50 quid. And £50 quid is £50 quid".

One year when Esther and Morris went to the air show, Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

sther replied, "Morris you know that helicopter ride is £50 quid. And £50 quid is £50 quid".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's £50 quid."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know........

£50 quid is £50 quid !!

[(buffalo) Bill]

The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the
> passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.
>
>
> Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your
> captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your
> destination."
>
> Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her
> right? Is the captain a woman?"
>
> When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I
> understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
>
> "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
>
> "My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know
> what to think with only women up there in the cockpit."
>
>
> "That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We No Longer Call It
> The Cock Pit."
>
>
>
> "It's The Box Office."

[(buffalo) Bill]

> >
> > A man robs a bank and takes several hostages.
> >
> > He asks the first hostage, "did you see me rob the
> bank".
> >
> > The hostage answers "yes".
> >
> > The robber, promptly, shoots him in the head.
> >
> > Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob
> the bank.
> >
> > The hostage answers, "No, but my wife did".

[(buffalo) Bill]

> A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City ,
> where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at
> the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
>
> You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
> value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The
> shopper may choose any item fro m a particular floor, or may choose to
> go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit
> the building!
>
> So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the
> first floor the sign on the door
> reads:
>
> Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
>
>
> She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the
> sign reads:
>
>
> Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
>
>
> "That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."
>
>
> So she continues upward. The third floor sign
> reads:
>
>
> Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
> Looking.
>
>
> "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
>
>
> She goes to the fourth floor and the sign
> reads:
>
>
> Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good
> Looking and Help With Housework.
>
>
> "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
>
>
> Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
>
>
> Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
> Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
>
>
> She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor,
> where the sign reads:
>
>
> Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
> men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
> impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
>
>
> PLEASE NOTE:
>
> To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New
> Wives store just across the street.
>
>
> The first floor has wives that love sex.
>
> The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like
> beer.
>
> The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been
> visited.

[(buffalo) Bill]

A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Sleeper train to Cairns .


Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a
room, they were both very tired and fell asleep
quickly.... He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.



At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the
woman saying, 'Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but
would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'


'I have a better idea,' she replied . 'Just for
tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f%#*ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

[(buffalo) Bill]

The Geography of a Woman
>
> Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa.
>
> Half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas
>
> Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America
>
> Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash
>
> Bwtween 31 and 35, she is like India
>
> very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty
>
> Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France
>
> Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit
>
> Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia
>
> Lost the war, haunted by the past mistakes. Massive recontruction is
> now necessary
>
> Between 51 and 60 she is like Russia.
>
> Very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps
> people away
>
>
> Between 61 and 70 a woman is like Mongolia
>
> A glorious and all conquering past but alas no future
>
> After 70 they become like Afghanistan.
>
> Everyone knows where it is but no one wants to go there.
>
>
>
> NOW FOR THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
>
> BETWEEN 15 AND 90, A MAN IS LIKE ZIMBABWE. RULED BY A DICK

[(buffalo) Bill]

> A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
> section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently
> wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
> The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman
> sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered
> violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the
> man was still curious about the shuddering.
>
> A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before
> she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than
> before.
> Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, "I
> couldn't help but notice" he said, "that you've sneezed three times,
> wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"
>
> "I am sorry if I disturbed you," she replied. "I have a very rare
> medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
>
> The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never
> heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for
> it?"
>
> The woman nodded, "Black Pepper

[(buffalo) Bill]

> A history teacher asks a class full of kids
> "What was Churchill
> > famous for?"
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > A kid at the back shouts out "He was the last
> fucking white man to
> > be called Winston!"
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > ________________________________
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > I've just loaded "Colin McRae's Helicopter
> Simulator" onto my PC,
> > but it keeps crashing!
> > >
> > >
> >
> > >
> > > ________________________________
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Did you hear about the look-a-like competition
> in China ?
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Everybody won.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > ________________________________
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
> > >
> > >
> > > ________________________________
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?
> > >
> > > The McCartneys
> > >
> > > But really we shouldn't make fun of macca. After
> all will he ever
> > find another woman to fill her shoe?
> > >
> > >
> > > ________________________________
> > >
> > >
> > > Women eh!
> >
> > > Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy
> tucks, lipo suction,
> > colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples,
> bellys and clits,
> > eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips
> tattooed, legs
> > waxed, diets, exercise and they STILL wont take it
> up the arse cause
> > it 'hurts'.
> > >
> > >
> > > ________________________________
> > >
> > >
> > > Was so depressed last night that I rang the
> Samaritans.
> > > Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
> > > Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited
> and asked if I
> > could fly a plane......
> > >
> > >
> > > ________________________________
> > >
> > >
> > > A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub.
> She says "Show me
> > it's true what they say about black men"... So he
> stabbed her and
> > nicked her purse.
> > >
> > >
> > > ________________________________
> > >
> > >
> > > I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic
> warden shouted to
> > me...
> > >
> > > "Oi, what's your disability?"
> > >
> > > I said "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"
> > >
> > > ________________________________
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty
> blonde staring at
> > him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then
> she starts waving.
> > >
> > > "Excuse me do I know you?" he asks. "Yes I think
> you are the
> > father of one of my kids" she says.
> > >
> > > The man thinks back and remembers his one act of
> infidelity and
> > says "Fucking hell are you the bird I shagged on
> me stag do, whilst
> > your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a
> brush up my arse?"
> > >
> > > "No" she replies "I'm your son's English
> teacher!"
> > >
> > > ________________________________
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name
> on a loaf of bread
> > today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut'
> "
> > >
> > >
> > > ________________________________
> > >
> > >
> > > What's the difference between Harold Shipman and
> Tony Blair?
> > >
> > > Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting
> lists.
> > >
> > >
> > > ________________________________
> > >
> > >
> > > Morning after Christmas, two brothers are in
> front of the tree.
> > >
> > > "So what did you get?" Says the first.
> > >
> > > "I got a PSP, a bike, four model cars, ten
> action figures, the new
> > playstation 3, 10 games for it, and loads of cool
> t-shirts and
> > clothes. You?"
> > >
> > > "I got a pair of socks and a spiderman toy."
> > >
> > > "Is that it?"
> > >
> > >
> > > "Well yeah, but I don't have leukemia"
> > >
> > >
> > > ________________________________
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > A bride on her wedding night says to her husband
> "I must confess
> > darling, I was a hooker!".
> > >
> > > He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your
> past, but I must
> > admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about
> it".
> > >
> > > She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I
> played for Wigan !".
> > >
> > >
> > > ________________________________
> > >
> > >
> > > Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees
> sister rose washing
> > the kitchen floor. He’s overcome with desire and
> pushes her onto
> > the ground. As he’s shagging her the Rev Mother
> comes in.
> > >
> > >
> > > "SISTER ROSE!!!" she roars "Have some respect.
> Arch your back girl
> > and keep Father Duffy’s balls off the wet
> floor!!"
> > >
> > >
> > > ________________________________
> > >
> > > A man says to his wife "tell me something that
> will make me happy
> > and sad at the same time".
> > >
> > > His wife replies "You've got a bigger dick than
> your brother"

[(buffalo) Bill]

Topical Question of the Day
>
> I purchased a teddy bear for $10 yesterday.
>
> I called it Mohammed.
>
> Today I sold it for $20.
>
>
> So, my question is........
>
>
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
>
>
> Have I made a prophet?

[Big Boy]

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well.

Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of xxxx!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the
muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

[Nereus]

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment………….









Put your dog and your wife in the trunk / boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

[Big Boy]

A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, Gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay."

The husband says, "No, not at all."

His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."

[Condoking]

The British weather has been declared Muslim

It's either Sunni or Shiite

[Big Boy]

John and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics at Aberdeen Airport .

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

John said, 'Man, I wish we hid sommin to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me in a. Y'kaen, a've heard ye can drink jet fuel an get a buzz. Di ye wanna try it?'

So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high octane jet fuel hooch and got completely smashed.

The next morning John wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, Hey, how ye feeling the day?'

John says, 'Smashing! Fit about you?'

Jim says, 'Brand spanking new! Got a hangover?'

John says , 'No that jet fuel is just the dogs bollocks! -- nae hangover, nethin. We shid dee this mair afen'

Jim says 'Aye, well there's jist the one thing.'

'Fit's at then?'

'Hiv yi farted yet?'

' Er, - No '

Well, DINNA, 'cause I'm in fu**in Norway !

[Big Boy]

Instructions for cleaning a toilet:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet,streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.