The Best of Irish

[Big Boy]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses £500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Shite, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse etc.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet man you'll ever meet. Discretion is da middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost £500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

[Big Boy]

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

[Big Boy]

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'

[Big Boy]

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

[Big Boy]

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

[Big Boy]

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London!'

[Toy]

Paddy and Mick bet about Clitoris sit in front or behind. Paddy thinks in front and Mick thinks behind. They ask a friend.
Mick get angry when he loss.
Paddy says you don’t have to be so angry because you've loss.
It is not because I loss says Mick. I think you would be angry to, if you found out that you in the last 20 years have lick on a hemorrhoid…

[hhfarang]

[Big Boy]

Paddy goes to the library and asks if they have a book titled 'Psycho The Rapist'.

The lobrarian looked at him funny, and said, "I think you are looking for a book entitled Psychotherapist "

[Big Boy]

Paddy and Mick go to the morgue to identify Shamus's body that's been badly burnt.

Paddy goes first, turns the body over, looks at his bum and says, "That's not Shamus."

Mick goes next. He turns the body over, looks at Shamus's bum and says the same.

The doctor asked, "How do you know it's not him?"

Mick says, "Because when we all used to go out together, folk would say, "Here comes Shamus with the two arseholes!"

[hhfarang]

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation,

'Has anybody got a cock?'

All the men stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'

All the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'

Half the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.

[Khundon1975]

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven…which part of your body goes first?"


Susie raised her hand and said, "I think it’s your hands."


"Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?


Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."


"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.


Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it’s your feet."


The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"


Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I’m coming!"


"If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her."


The Nun fainted.

[Big Boy]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr.

Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change pf heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

[robby hh]

Paddys girlfriend told him he had B O and that he should get a deoderant.

When he went to the chemist and asked for deoderant, the girl said certainly sir would you like the ball type?

No no said Paddy I only want it for under my arms.



Tourist in Dublin asked a trafic cop what the yellow line along the side of the road meant.

Cop says it means no parking at all.

Then asks the tourist what does the double yellow line at the other side of the road mean?

Cop says no parking at all at all.

[JimmyGreaves]

Best of Irish was today beating england at the rugby