Best of British

Post by **Big Boy** » Sat Oct 18, 2008 7:47 pm

----A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, 'Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?'

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: 'Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?'

'Absolutely not,' replies the greeter, 'I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!

Post by **Big Boy** » Sat Oct 18, 2008 7:50 pm

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way..'

And who says that Scotsmen are tight?

Post by **Big Boy** » Sat Oct 18, 2008 7:55 pm

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?

About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

Post by **Big Boy** » Sat Oct 18, 2008 7:56 pm

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.

Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .

Told them I was suicidal; they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......

Post by **Big Boy** » Sat Oct 18, 2008 7:57 pm

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub.

She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'

... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.

Post by **Big Boy** » Sat Oct 18, 2008 7:58 pm

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off you tosser'

Post by **Big Boy** » Sat Oct 18, 2008 7:59 pm

I said to the husband, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '

Post by **Big Boy** » Sat Oct 18, 2008 8:00 pm

What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?

Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.

sargeant · Post by **sargeant** » Sun Oct 19, 2008 9:28 pm

Edited by Mod,

Pure hatred, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Post by **richard** » Sun Oct 19, 2008 10:05 pm

Sorry Sarge

I think that was out of order

and close to violating the T&C's

Post by **miked** » Sun Oct 19, 2008 10:16 pm

sarge,
not often do i support guess but i think your post has crossed over the line.
miked

Post by JD » Mon Oct 20, 2008 9:06 am

sargeant,

This section is supposed to be un-moderated. But your post above broke several T&C's. You are also getting very close to the mark on other parts of this forum.

You've had a post deleted this month already, for a similar attack, if you were yellow carded for that one. I think you know what two yellows mean - your off!

I'll check with Admin, but if I were you, I certainly wouldn't even think of disrespecting this forum or any member of it for a while.

sargeant · Post by **sargeant** » Mon Oct 20, 2008 10:32 am

Content Edited

Moderator actions should be discussed via PM only.

Post by **Big Boy** » Tue Oct 21, 2008 12:59 am

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

'Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go there,'says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that.'

Post by **Big Boy** » Tue Oct 21, 2008 1:03 am

I thought about putting this into either the Digital Realm or Dear Wanderlust section, but then thought better of it

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that these two systems are not compatible and as a result caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to FiancÃ©e 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with CookingPlus and Cleanhouse2008, which is obviously a great advantage.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made are automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory, and can not be deleted. These often resurface months later when I have forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments, and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2007, but I think there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2007, it tends to use your bank details to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please!

*********************************************

And the flip side...

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but this doesn’t seem to work.

What’s the solution, please?

Signed,

Desperate

****************************************************************

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, whereas Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try entering the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Mensclub 4.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly syndrome.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is normally a good program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I have used Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7, and find that works very well.

Good Luck.