Not very funny
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there`s three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women`s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of `willies` are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
Signs you're getting old:
-You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
-You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
-Your back goes out more than you do.
-You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
-You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
-You are proud of your lawn mower.
-Your best friend is dating someone half their age... and isn't breaking any laws.
-Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
-You sing along with the elevator music.
-You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
-You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
-You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
-You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
-Neighbors borrow your tools.
-People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
-You have dreams about prunes.
-You answer a question with "because I said so!"
-The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
-You take a metal detector to the beach.
-You wear black socks with sandals.
-You know what the word "equity" means.
-You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
-Your ears are hairier than your head.
-You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
-You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
-You go bowling without drinking.
-You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
-You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
-You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
-Your back goes out more than you do.
-You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
-You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
-You are proud of your lawn mower.
-Your best friend is dating someone half their age... and isn't breaking any laws.
-Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
-You sing along with the elevator music.
-You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
-You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
-You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
-You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
-Neighbors borrow your tools.
-People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
-You have dreams about prunes.
-You answer a question with "because I said so!"
-The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
-You take a metal detector to the beach.
-You wear black socks with sandals.
-You know what the word "equity" means.
-You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
-Your ears are hairier than your head.
-You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
-You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
-You go bowling without drinking.
-You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
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Terry
- Suspended
- Posts: 3047
- Joined: Tue Feb 07, 2006 5:53 pm
- Location: At Hua Hin Fishing Lodge, Hin Lek Fai most of the time.......
A Christmas Cracker
How A Christmas Tradition Got Started...
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floor boards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree
How A Christmas Tradition Got Started...
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floor boards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree
Christmas Cookie Recipe
Christmas Cookie Ingredients:
1 cup butter lemon juice
1 tsp baking soda 4 large eggs
1 cup sugar 1 cup nuts
1 tsp salt 2 cups dried fruit
1 cup brown sugar 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
At this point, it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup...just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
When floor settles down, pick the frigging fruit off floor...
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Pample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet.
Check the Juse Coervo.
Now shift the jemon loose and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Fon't dorget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put stove in the wishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
1 cup butter lemon juice
1 tsp baking soda 4 large eggs
1 cup sugar 1 cup nuts
1 tsp salt 2 cups dried fruit
1 cup brown sugar 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
At this point, it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup...just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
When floor settles down, pick the frigging fruit off floor...
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Pample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet.
Check the Juse Coervo.
Now shift the jemon loose and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Fon't dorget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put stove in the wishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
Now you're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something
happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped
off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on "But it's going to
be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that
will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing
is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch".
The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds
an inch.
"So the thing is" the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many
inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I
mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine
incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she
might be disappointed.
So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the
decision."So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.
"So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?
"I have." says the fellow. And has she helped you in making the decision?".
"She has" says the bloke.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor. . .
"We're having a new kitchen".
The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
Now you're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something
happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped
off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on "But it's going to
be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that
will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing
is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch".
The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds
an inch.
"So the thing is" the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many
inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I
mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine
incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she
might be disappointed.
So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the
decision."So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.
"So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?
"I have." says the fellow. And has she helped you in making the decision?".
"She has" says the bloke.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor. . .
"We're having a new kitchen".
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!
Always Borrow Money from a Pesimist. "They Never Expect it Back"
You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bit*h was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the backyard! "
The cab driver hit a parked car...
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bit*h was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the backyard! "
The cab driver hit a parked car...
You don't have to be a golfer to enjoy this ...
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in he room stops to listen...
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ..... The house we wanted last
year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him
in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone
this is?
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in he room stops to listen...
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ..... The house we wanted last
year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him
in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone
this is?
A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a
car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches
the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel,
reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the
rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently
raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window, "Uh, yes,
officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"I'm reading a magazine, sir."
Pointing toward the young woman in the back seat the cop asks: "And what is
she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night
in a lovers' lane,
and nothing obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 25, sir."
"And her... what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches
the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel,
reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the
rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently
raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window, "Uh, yes,
officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"I'm reading a magazine, sir."
Pointing toward the young woman in the back seat the cop asks: "And what is
she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night
in a lovers' lane,
and nothing obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 25, sir."
"And her... what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
An Ugly man
An Ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman. "Well, I'll tell you,"
replies the ugly man. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home
last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night,
all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"
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"Dunno never found the head"
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman. "Well, I'll tell you,"
replies the ugly man. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home
last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night,
all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"
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"Dunno never found the head"
Classic Sam
I started seeing this girl when I was about 18 and she was sex mad, we used to do it 3 times a day, every day for 6 months.
One day she said to me, "Paul, the novelty is starting wear off a bit now, do you fancy doing something a bit different, a bit kinky like ?"
I said "yeah, yeah ofcourse, what you got in mind ?"
She said "do you fancy doing it in my 'other' hole ?"
"F*** Off" I said, "You might get pregnant!
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I started seeing this girl when I was about 18 and she was sex mad, we used to do it 3 times a day, every day for 6 months.
One day she said to me, "Paul, the novelty is starting wear off a bit now, do you fancy doing something a bit different, a bit kinky like ?"
I said "yeah, yeah ofcourse, what you got in mind ?"
She said "do you fancy doing it in my 'other' hole ?"
"F*** Off" I said, "You might get pregnant!
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*NEWSFLASH*
A family froze to death outside a theatre last night while waiting to see a play called 'CLOSED FOR THE WINTER.'
Edited to make it more politically correct for our more sensitive members
A family froze to death outside a theatre last night while waiting to see a play called 'CLOSED FOR THE WINTER.'
Edited to make it more politically correct for our more sensitive members
Last edited by Big Boy on Fri Jan 19, 2007 9:17 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd 
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
-
DawnHRD
- Legend
- Posts: 2627
- Joined: Thu Sep 22, 2005 10:39 pm
- Location: Not always where I want to be
OK, everyone - from now on only non racist, non sexist, non ageist, cruelty free, totally pc jokes please.Jockey wrote:Another anti-Irish racist joke!Big Boy wrote:*NEWSFLASH*
An Irish family froze to death outside a theatre last night while waiting to see a play called 'CLOSED FOR THE WINTER.'
Hang on, that means most of these jokes would have to go... 
Methinks people can be a tad too sensitive??
"The question is not, can they reason? Nor, can they talk? But, can they suffer?" - Jeremy Bentham, philosopher, 1748-1832
Make a dog's life better, today!
Make a dog's life better, today!