Washington, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
'Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,' said California Senator Barbara Boxer. 'We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.'
In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.
Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement 'warehouse' stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million 'middle man' positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, 'Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?'
'As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,' said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint , Michigan , due to her inability to remember rightey tightey, lefty loosey. 'This new law should be real good for people like me,' Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Senator Dick Durban (D-IL): 'As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.'
Best of the Rest of the World
Second Opinion!
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need.... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see.... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need.... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see.... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
post turtle...
"While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle.'
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was?
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.'
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.
'You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put her up there to begin with.
"While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle.'
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was?
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.'
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.
'You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put her up there to begin with.
This is a very funny video of a Dean Martin and Foster Brooks routine.
Thanks to Coconuts Jim for sending it to me...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8L-ZZSc8JU
Thanks to Coconuts Jim for sending it to me...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8L-ZZSc8JU
-
Vital Spark
- Legend
- Posts: 2047
- Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 10:34 pm
- Location: Arcos de la Frontera, Spain
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
Why Women Lie
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husba nd in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble stud ded with rubies.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her,
'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this you r husband?' the Lord asked.
'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.
Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husban d. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it..
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husba nd in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble stud ded with rubies.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her,
'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this you r husband?' the Lord asked.
'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.
Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husban d. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it..
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
> >> A foursome is waiting on the men's tee, while
> another foursome of ladies
> is hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time,
> when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball. She hacks the
> ball 10 feet, goes over and hacks it another 10 feet, then hacks it
> another 10 feet.
> >>
> >> She looks up the men, who are watching impatiently
> and
> says apologetically: "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this
> winter didn't help".
> >>
> >> One of the men immediately replies: "Well,
> you know, that appears to be
> your problem. You should have taken golf lessons instead".
> To this day, a memorial marker for him stands next to that tee.
> another foursome of ladies
> is hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time,
> when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball. She hacks the
> ball 10 feet, goes over and hacks it another 10 feet, then hacks it
> another 10 feet.
> >>
> >> She looks up the men, who are watching impatiently
> and
> says apologetically: "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this
> winter didn't help".
> >>
> >> One of the men immediately replies: "Well,
> you know, that appears to be
> your problem. You should have taken golf lessons instead".
> To this day, a memorial marker for him stands next to that tee.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
> A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
> going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long,
> long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and
> there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and
> after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving
> very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
>
> 'Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
>
> 'Morris Weismann,' he replied.
> ;
> 'Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?'
>
> 'For about 60 years.'
>
> '60 years! That's amazing! For what do you pray?'
>
> 'I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for
> all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to
> grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.'
>
> 'How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?
>
> 'Like I'm talking to a fucking wall.'
> going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long,
> long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and
> there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and
> after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving
> very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
>
> 'Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
>
> 'Morris Weismann,' he replied.
> ;
> 'Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?'
>
> 'For about 60 years.'
>
> '60 years! That's amazing! For what do you pray?'
>
> 'I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for
> all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to
> grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.'
>
> 'How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?
>
> 'Like I'm talking to a fucking wall.'
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
> Sheasked, “What’s on TV?”I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…=======================================================================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
> anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150
> in about 3 seconds.”I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started…=====================================================================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
> some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....=====================================================================
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
> SocialSecurity. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
> license toverify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had
> left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I
> would have to go home and come back later.The woman said, 'Unbutton
> your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealingmy curly silver hair. She
> said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me and she
> processed my Social Security application.When I got home, I excitedly
> told my wife about my experience at the SocialSecurity office.She
> said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
> disability, too.
'And then the fight
> started...============================================================
> ===
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
> reunion, and I keptstaring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she
> sat alone at anearby table.My wife asked, 'Do you know her?''Yes,' I
> sighed,!
> 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking rightafter
> we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
> since.''My God!'
> says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that
> long?'
And then the fight
> started...============================================================
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside
> the road andslowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how
> sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
> funny?Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up
> at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!
'So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
>
> Sheasked, “What’s on TV?”I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…=======================================================================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
> anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150
> in about 3 seconds.”I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started…=====================================================================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
> some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....=====================================================================
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
> SocialSecurity. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
> license toverify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had
> left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I
> would have to go home and come back later.The woman said, 'Unbutton
> your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealingmy curly silver hair. She
> said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me and she
> processed my Social Security application.When I got home, I excitedly
> told my wife about my experience at the SocialSecurity office.She
> said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
> disability, too.
'And then the fight
> started...============================================================
> ===
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
> reunion, and I keptstaring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she
> sat alone at anearby table.My wife asked, 'Do you know her?''Yes,' I
> sighed,!
> 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking rightafter
> we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
> since.''My God!'
> says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that
> long?'
And then the fight
> started...============================================================
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside
> the road andslowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how
> sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
> funny?Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up
> at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!
'So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
>
Last edited by (buffalo) Bill on Thu Dec 18, 2008 5:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making
Love to a very attractive young woman.
The wife was VERY upset!
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to
Me a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.
I want a divorce straight away!'
And he replied:
'Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what
Happened.
'Fine, go ahead', she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words
You'll say to me!'
And he began:
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young
Lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and
Defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my
Compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made
For you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid
You'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while
She was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I
Threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer
Jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because
You say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your
Anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have
Good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you
Don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you
Bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work
Has a pair like them..'
He took a quick breath and continued:
'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked
Her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said
'Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't
Use?''
Love to a very attractive young woman.
The wife was VERY upset!
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to
Me a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.
I want a divorce straight away!'
And he replied:
'Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what
Happened.
'Fine, go ahead', she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words
You'll say to me!'
And he began:
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young
Lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and
Defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my
Compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made
For you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid
You'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while
She was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I
Threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer
Jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because
You say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your
Anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have
Good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you
Don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you
Bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work
Has a pair like them..'
He took a quick breath and continued:
'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked
Her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said
'Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't
Use?''
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE
RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND
LINE:
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes .......
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND
LINE:
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes .......
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
>> Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and
>> one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away...
>> Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo,
>> can you see Florida ?????'
>>
>> CAR TROUBLE (This one cracks me up!)
>>
>> A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic
>> it died.
>>
>> After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
>>
>> She says, 'What's the story?'
>>
>> He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
>>
>> She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
>>
>> SPEEDING TICKET
>>
>> A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
>> nicely if he could see her license.
>>
>> She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act
>> together. Just yesterday you took away my license and then today you
>> expect me to show it to you!'
>>
>> RIVER WALK
>>
>> There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
>> another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I
>> get to the other side?'
>>
>> The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
>> back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
>>
>> AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
>>
>> A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said
>> that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
>>
>> 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
>>
>> The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and
>> screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed
>> her knee and screamed; Likewise, she pushed her ankle and screamed.
>> Everywhere she touched made her scream.
>>
>> The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no'
>> she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
>>
>> 'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
>>
>> KNITTING
>>
>> A highway patrol officer pulled alongside a speeding car on the
>> freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
>> behind the wheel was knitting!
>>
>> Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
>> the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled,
>> 'PULL OVER!'
>>
>> 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
>>
>> BLONDE ON THE SUN
>>
>> A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
>> Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
>>
>> The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
>>
>> The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the
>> sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
>> heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the
>> Russian. To which the Blonde replied,'We're not stupid, you know. We're
>> going at night!'
>>
>> IN A VACUUM
>>
>> A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
>> She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question
>> was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear
>> it?'
>>
>> She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
>>
>> FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
>>
>> A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new
>> dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by
>> saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend
>> said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
>>
>> 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'
>> one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away...
>> Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo,
>> can you see Florida ?????'
>>
>> CAR TROUBLE (This one cracks me up!)
>>
>> A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic
>> it died.
>>
>> After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
>>
>> She says, 'What's the story?'
>>
>> He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
>>
>> She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
>>
>> SPEEDING TICKET
>>
>> A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
>> nicely if he could see her license.
>>
>> She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act
>> together. Just yesterday you took away my license and then today you
>> expect me to show it to you!'
>>
>> RIVER WALK
>>
>> There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
>> another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I
>> get to the other side?'
>>
>> The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
>> back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
>>
>> AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
>>
>> A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said
>> that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
>>
>> 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
>>
>> The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and
>> screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed
>> her knee and screamed; Likewise, she pushed her ankle and screamed.
>> Everywhere she touched made her scream.
>>
>> The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no'
>> she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
>>
>> 'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
>>
>> KNITTING
>>
>> A highway patrol officer pulled alongside a speeding car on the
>> freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
>> behind the wheel was knitting!
>>
>> Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
>> the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled,
>> 'PULL OVER!'
>>
>> 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
>>
>> BLONDE ON THE SUN
>>
>> A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
>> Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
>>
>> The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
>>
>> The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the
>> sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
>> heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the
>> Russian. To which the Blonde replied,'We're not stupid, you know. We're
>> going at night!'
>>
>> IN A VACUUM
>>
>> A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
>> She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question
>> was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear
>> it?'
>>
>> She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
>>
>> FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
>>
>> A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new
>> dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by
>> saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend
>> said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
>>
>> 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.
The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant ever again, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market and lending & resellng mortgages works.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.
The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant ever again, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market and lending & resellng mortgages works.