Best of British

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Thu Oct 23, 2008 7:03 pm

>
> A recent Newspoll in Australia asked the following
> question:
>
> Do you believe there are too many foreigners in Australia?
>
> Answer:
>
> 18% said: YES
>
> 82% said: معهد الأمن العالمي بوا!
> شنط

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Thu Oct 23, 2008 7:04 pm

> After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and
> He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still
> standing on the curb
>
> 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,
>
> 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
>
> 'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive
> at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'
>
> 'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
> And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing
> he'd never gone to work that morning.
>
> 'There might be something extra in it for you,'
> says
> the Pope.
>
> Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
> the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
> the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
>
> 'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but
> the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
> 'Oh, dear God,
> I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
>
> The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches,
> but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and
> gets on the radio.
>
> 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
>
> The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
> limo going a hundred and five.
>
> 'So bust him,' says the Chief.
>
> 'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the
> cop.
>
> The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
>
> 'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
>
> The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
>
> Cop: 'Bigger.'
>
> Chief: 'Governor?'
>
> Cop: 'Bigger.'
>
> 'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
>
> Cop: 'I think it's God!'
>
> Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
>
>
> Cop: 'He's got the f**ing Pope as a chauffeur!'

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Thu Oct 23, 2008 7:04 pm

> LITTLE JOHNNIE AGAIN
> Kevin Rudd was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
> classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
> their meanings. The teacher asked Kevin, the saviour of 'working
> families', if he would like to lead the discussion on the word
> 'tragedy'.
>
> So Kevin (the saviour of 'working families' ) asked the class for an
> example of a 'tragedy'.
>
> A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
> farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him,
> that would be a 'tragedy.'
>
> No, said Kevin - that would be an accident.'
>
> A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty
> children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a
> tragedy'
>
> I'm afraid not, explained Kevin - that's what we would call great
> loss'
>
> The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
> Kevin searched the
> room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
> tragedy?'
>
> Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...
>
> In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Julia Gillard
> was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that
> would be a tragedy.'
>
> 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Kevin. 'That's right. And can you tell me why
> that would be tragedy?'
>
> 'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it
> certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a
> fucking accident either!'

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Thu Oct 23, 2008 7:05 pm

> >
> >
> > Recently I was asked to play in a golf outing.
> >
> > At first I said, "Naaahhh...."

> > Then they said to me, "Come on, it's for
> handicapped and blind
> > kids".
> >
> > Then I thought..........
> >
> > F......! -- I could win this one !!!
> >
> > Start at the new Yahoo!7 for a better online
> experience - Start Here.
> > Sell your car for just $40 at CarPoint.com.au It's
> simple!

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Thu Oct 23, 2008 7:06 pm

> > Subject: FW: When insults had class!!!
> >
> >
> > Enjoy this one……it’s certainly worth the read
> >
> >
> > "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the
> vices I admire."
> > Winston Churchill

> > "I have never killed a man, but I have read many
> obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

> > "He has never been known to use a word that might
> send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (about Ernest
> Hemingway)

> > "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But
> this wasn't it." Groucho Marx

> > "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a
> nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark Twain

> > "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by
> his friends." Oscar Wilde

> > "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of
> my new play; bring a friend . . . If you have one." George Bernard
> Shaw to Winston Churchill . . . followed by Churchill's response:
> "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is
> one." Winston Churchill

> > "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
> > Stephen Bishop

> > "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." John Bright

> > "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
> > trivial." Irvin S. Cobb

> > "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in
> > others." Samuel Johnson

> > "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." Paul Keating

> > "He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr

> > "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address
> > on it?" Mark Twain

> > "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” -- Mae West
> >
> > "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." Oscar Wilde

> > Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party,
> > "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!"
> >
> > Winston replied, "Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!"

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Thu Oct 23, 2008 7:07 pm

This is too true to be funny.

The next time you hear a politician use the
word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about!
whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in
one of it's releases.

A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.

D.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E.
A billion dollars ago was only
8 hours and 20 minutes,
at the rate our government
is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain...
let's take a look at New Orleans...
It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator,
Mary Landrieu (D)
is presently asking Congress for
250 BILLION DOLLARS
to rebuild New Orleans. Interesting number...
what does it mean?

A.
Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans
(every man, woman, and child)
you each get $516,528.

B.
Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans, your home gets! $1,329,787.

C.
Or... if you are a family of four...
your family gets $2,066,012.

Washington, D. C

< HELLO! >
A re all your calculators broken??

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax < BR>Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inhe! ritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
V ehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national! debt...
We had the largest middle class in the world...
and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened?
Can you spell 'politicians!'

And I still have to
press "1"
for English.

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Thu Oct 23, 2008 7:08 pm

> When Queen Elizabeth heard rumours that Parliament was planning to tax
> the royal family on the same basis as private individuals, she began
> searching for a good tax advisor. She asked several billionaires and
> each whispered, "Max Pincus". She turned to the Intelligence services
> to locate Max Pincus and received a report. Max, the report said,
> lives in Brooklyn, New York where he makes a living betting on horses
> at OTB. However, the report went on, there are rumours about Max
> making huge fees as an unregistered tax advisor. But since he is a
> heavy contributor to both political parties, the IRS and the rest of
> the government leaves him alone. Through her embassy, it was arranged
> for Max to travel to London on a RAF transport and meet with the Queen
> secretly. "Have your husband and your accountant there," Max e-mailed.
> At the palace, Max pored over the Queen's complicated financial
> reports. She was known to be the richest woman in the world and Max
> took his time reading every paper. Finally, after several days of
> reading and questioning, he sat down with the Queen, Prince Philip and
> two chartered accountants.
> "Foist," Max said, "because I got a Brooklyn accent, I will speak
> slowly. However, there are some woids better said in Yiddish, so if I
> use any, axe me fer a translation, but it won't be as good."
> "Queenie, you should shtup some gelt into trust funds for the
> aineklach. Forever you ain't gonna live and the inheritance taxes will
> fress up your estate vi a chazzer.
> Next, you should write out of your will that shmegegi, your son
> Charles. He has enough of an estate to feed the Weimeraner he married
> and he ain't gonna have no more kids." "Then you should move your
> tuchus and quickly set up a couple trusts for any charities you want
> to help." But before he could continue, Philip interrupted. "I say. I
> would prefer if you would speak English. And I must insist on more
> respect when addressing her majesty." Elizabeth turned to the Prince
> and, with a withering glance, said, "Phillip, please stop the
> narishkeit and let Mr. Pincus proceed. He obviously has the sechel I
> need to cover my tuchus."
>

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Thu Oct 23, 2008 7:08 pm

> An old one, but still good!
>

>
> An American Jew was shopping on Piccadilly, inLondon. He
> entered the posh gourmet food store,Fortnum & Mason. A
> salesman, in a morning coat, with tie and tails,approached and asked,
> 'May I be of service to you,sir?'
> 'Yes,' replied the customer, 'I'd like a
> pound oflox.' 'Sorry, sir,' answered the
> cultured salesman, 'Doyou mean 'smoked salmon'
> 'Okay, a pound of smoked salmon.' 'Anything
> else?' 'Yes, a dozen blintzes.' 'I
> believe you mean crepes.' 'Okay, a dozen
> crepes.' 'Anything else?' 'Yes. A pound
> of chopped liver.' 'You are probably referring to
> pate.' 'Okay,' said the customer, 'a pound
> of pate, andcould you deliver the order this Saturday? '
> 'Sorry, sir,' said the salesman, 'We don't schlepchazzerai on
> Shabbos!'

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Thu Oct 23, 2008 7:10 pm

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
> 1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'
>
> 2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is 'VOCALLY
> APPRECIATIVE.'
>
> 3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
>
> 4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
> INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
>
> 5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED
> COMPANION.'
>
> 6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED.'
>
> 7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' - She gets 'CHEMICALLY
> INCONVENIENCED'
>
> 8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'
>
> 9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
>
> 10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.'
>
> 11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY
> SUPERIOR.'
>
> 12 She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'
>
>
>
> HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
>
> 1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN
> STORAGE FACILITY.'
>
> 2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER'- He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
>
> 3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
> DESTINATIONS.'
>
> 4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
>
> 5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
> RELATIONSHIPS.'
>
> 6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY
> HORIZONTAL.'
>
> 7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
> 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
>
> 8 He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'
>
> 9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'
>
> 10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'
>
> 11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR
> CLEAVAGE '

Post by **Big Boy** » Fri Oct 24, 2008 2:10 am

It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Suddenly he heard a strange noise ...

BUMP........

BUMP.........

BUMP........

Startled, he turned around. To his amazement, through the driving rain he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

He froze to the spot. He couldn't believe his eyes. As the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly. It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP.........

The coffin was gaining on him. He started walking faster.........

BUMP.... BUMP.......

BUMP........BUMP.......

BUMP........BUMP........

The coffin was closing with his every step. He started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him ...

BUMP... BUMP.... BUMP...

BUMP.... BUMP... BUMP...

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP......

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock. He dived inside, slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase .

BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him. He bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door .

BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...

BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...

BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges ...

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.

BUMP.... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet ... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin . still it came ........

BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ... still it came.......

BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ... still it came......

BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

He grabbed some Benylin cough mixture and threw it ...

The coffin stopped.

Post by **Big Boy** » Mon Oct 27, 2008 5:15 am

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

Post by **Big Boy** » Wed Oct 29, 2008 2:13 am

Confucius Say:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like bubble

one prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in front of car

get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car

get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with hand in pocket

feel cocky all day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give wife grand piano

wise man give wife upright organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick

go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass

should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes

get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong

man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse

soon find him in cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day

get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib

but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell

bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet

is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house

should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well

often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church

sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different

to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Post by **Big Boy** » Wed Oct 29, 2008 2:26 am

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8 ) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is nana's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends..
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . ... not piddling in your pants.

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Wed Oct 29, 2008 10:32 pm

Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street
when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping
instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,'
the homeless woman said.
'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon
instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. 'I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless woman was shocked.
'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up wine, shopping, and hair appointments.'

Post by **(buffalo) Bill** » Wed Oct 29, 2008 10:35 pm

> HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
> 1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'
>
> 2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is 'VOCALLY
> APPRECIATIVE.'
>
> 3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
>
> 4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
> INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
>
> 5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED
> COMPANION.'
>
> 6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED.'
>
> 7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' - She gets 'CHEMICALLY
> INCONVENIENCED'
>
> 8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'
>
> 9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
>
> 10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.'
>
> 11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY
> SUPERIOR.'
>
> 12 She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'
>
>
>
> HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
>
> 1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN
> STORAGE FACILITY.'
>
> 2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER'- He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
>
> 3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
> DESTINATIONS.'
>
> 4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
>
> 5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
> RELATIONSHIPS.'
>
> 6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY
> HORIZONTAL.'
>
> 7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
> 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
>
> 8 He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'
>
> 9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'
>
> 10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'
>
> 11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR
> CLEAVAGE '