A Somalian arrives in Birmingham as a new immigrant to England.
He stops the first man he sees walking down the street and says,
'Thank you Mr Englishman for letting me in this country, giving me
housing,
food stamps, free medical care and free education!'
The man says, 'You are mistaken, I am Pakistani.'
The Somali man goes on and encounters another passer-by.
'Thank you for having such a beautiful country and looking after me
here in the UK'
This person says, 'I no British, me Polish.'
He walks on and stops the next person, shakes his hand and says,
'Thank you for the wonderful things you English people do for me here
in England'
This person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from India. I am not
English!'
Finally, he sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you English?'
She says,' No, I am from Africa¹
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the English people?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ......
Probably at work!! '
IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS, TOMORROW AT 11:30 AM
YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE!
Best of the Rest of the World
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
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- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
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(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
The value of a second opinion!
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.He
had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20
years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he
walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.He
could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new
suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44
long."Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business
60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new
shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and
said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's
right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the
shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about
some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed
Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell
of a headache."
New suit = £400
New shirt = £36
New underwear = £6
Second Opinion = Priceless
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.He
had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20
years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he
walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.He
could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new
suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44
long."Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business
60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new
shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and
said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's
right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the
shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about
some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed
Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell
of a headache."
New suit = £400
New shirt = £36
New underwear = £6
Second Opinion = Priceless
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
?
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
?
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
No SEX since 1955
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'
' 1955, ma'am.'
'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'
' 1955, ma'am.'
'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job
> > was to process
> > all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a
> > letter came
> > addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual
> > address.
> > He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
> > The letter read:
> >
> > Dear God,
> > I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
> > Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which
> > was all the
> > money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is
> > Christmas, and I
> > had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that
> > money, I have
> > nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and
> > you are my only
> > hope. Can you please help me?
> >
> > Sincerely,
> >
> > Edna
> >
> > The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all
> > the other
> > workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up
> > with a few
> > pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected
> > £96, which they
> > put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the
> > day, all the
> > workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner
> > she would be able
> > to share with her friends.
> >
> > Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter
> > came from the
> > same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while
> > the letter was
> > opened. It read:
> >
> > Dear God,
> >
> > How can I e ver thank you enough for what you did for me?
> > Because of your
> > gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my
> > friends.
> > We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your
> > wonderful gift.
> >
> > By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it was those
> > bastards at the
> > Post Office.
> > was to process
> > all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a
> > letter came
> > addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual
> > address.
> > He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
> > The letter read:
> >
> > Dear God,
> > I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
> > Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which
> > was all the
> > money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is
> > Christmas, and I
> > had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that
> > money, I have
> > nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and
> > you are my only
> > hope. Can you please help me?
> >
> > Sincerely,
> >
> > Edna
> >
> > The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all
> > the other
> > workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up
> > with a few
> > pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected
> > £96, which they
> > put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the
> > day, all the
> > workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner
> > she would be able
> > to share with her friends.
> >
> > Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter
> > came from the
> > same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while
> > the letter was
> > opened. It read:
> >
> > Dear God,
> >
> > How can I e ver thank you enough for what you did for me?
> > Because of your
> > gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my
> > friends.
> > We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your
> > wonderful gift.
> >
> > By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it was those
> > bastards at the
> > Post Office.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says, "Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"
The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot"
"Cor blimey", exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!"
The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot"
"Cor blimey", exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!"
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
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(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
>
> He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
>
> Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'
>
> He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
>
> Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
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(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
> Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna prtend Im mad!'
>
> He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
>
> The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
>
> Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
>
> 'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
>
> 'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.
>
> He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
>
> The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
>
> Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
>
> 'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
>
> 'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.
-
(buffalo) Bill
- Banned
- Posts: 802
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:57 pm
- Location: Opposite the new marina in downtown Hua Hin.