Best of the Rest of the World

[(buffalo) Bill]

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials:

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure,it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a listof them in Brisbane ,

Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-li-a is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us whenyou get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ..
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hipporaces.
Comenaked.

Q: Can I wearhigh heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-me-ri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but Iforget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gumtrees and eat the brains of
anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain ofyouth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying inKings Cross*.
Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[(buffalo) Bill]

*SERENITY*

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is
You can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia .
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
*THE SENILITY PRAYER :*
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
*Always Remember This:** *
*You don't stop laughing because you grow** **old,** *
*You grow old because you stop laughing!!*

[Big Boy]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you serious?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you serious? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

[santa]

Most people are like slinkies. Quite boring if they just sit there doing nothing, but quite amusing if you push them down stairs

[elem]

Did we have this one already...? well, what the heck...
------------
WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

[hhfarang]

Good one Elem!

[Khundon1975]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, ' I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

‘Well, that's wonderful!' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years - why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He throws her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two is even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD!! ' She proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror and saying, 'She's not my wife, she's not my wife, she's not my wife, she's not my wife.'



His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

[hhfarang]

How S&*t Happens

In the beginning was the Plan and then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And darkness fell upon the face of the Workers

And they spake amongst themselves, saying,
"It is a crock of s&*%, and it stinketh!"
And the Workers went unto to their Supervisors and sayeth,
"It is a pail of dung, and none my abide the odour thereof!"

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers
And sayeth unto them,
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong
Such that none my abide by it!"

And the Managers went to the Directors and sayeth,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength!"
And the Directors spake amongst themselves, saying one unto the other,
"It containeth that which aideth the growth of plants, and it is very strong!"

And the Directors went unto the Vice President saying unto them,
"It promoteth growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,
"This new Plan will actively promote growth and the efficiency of this company, and in these areas in particular…"

And the President looked upon the Plan,
And saw that it was good,
And the Plan became Policy
And this is how s&*t happens

[hhfarang]

Two businesswomen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to
walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What
are you sellin' here?"

One of the women replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

Seniors - don't mess with them!

[hhfarang]

In a recent survey carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Chicago's elite residents and government officials said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

[The understudy]

Guten Tag Everyone!

A Man enters a 100 room plus brothle and enters the 1. Room on the Bed was a real ugly Woman and she told him real fast
"you can either have me or you can go to success!"
He went to the next room there was a slighlty better looking woman and she said the same thing real fast
"you can either have me or you can go to success!!"
This goes on to room 98
Where there was almost the perfect Woman and even she said the same thing real fast
"you can either have me or you can go to suc(k)cess!"
As he opends the room 99 there was THE Perfect Girl there on the bed even she said real fast
"You can either have me or you can go to suc(k)cess"
The Man to himself "Hell yeah I'm going All the way!."
The he storms into Room 100 he sees a Man Naked before him.
and the naked Man smiles & says: "Hallo! I am Cess!"

"You can either have me or you can go to suck Cess!"

Your's The understudy!

[Big Boy]

HEMA is a Dutch department store. The first store opened on November 4, 1926, in Amsterdam . Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands . Take a look at HEMA's product page. You can't order anything and it's in Dutch but just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens.

Don't click on any of the products pictured, just wait and see what happens. And be sure you have your sound turned up.

This company has a sense of humor and a great computer programmer, ya?

http://producten.hema.nl/

[Khundon1975]

HEMA is a Dutch department store. The first store opened on November 4, 1926, in Amsterdam . Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands . Take a look at HEMA's product page. You can't order anything and it's in Dutch but just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens.

Don't click on any of the products pictured, just wait and see what happens. And be sure you have your sound turned up.

This company has a sense of humor and a great computer programmer, ya?

http://producten.hema.nl/

Thanks for that Big Boy. Good laugh.

[richard]

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4.. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[hhfarang]

Texas Sex

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.'

'I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other cowboy " What is it?'

'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.

Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear: 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds!