Just to return the favor, here is a cut-and-paste from "the Onion" to brighten up your afternoon.
CHECK YOUR HOROSCOPE
December 14, 2005
Issue 41•50
Aries The last time you made a snow angel, you were but a child. Also, you weren't flailing your limbs wildly in a desperate attempt to free yourself from a knife-wielding psychopath.
December 7, 2005
Issue 41•49
Taurus The Sistine Chapel panel that depicts the creation of the sun and moon never fails to hold spectators captive with its beauty and vast scope, allowing you plenty of time to search through their purses and pockets for money.
November 30, 2005
Issue 41•48
Gemini For years you've thought of yourself as most resembling the Greek goddess Aphrodite, but the stars think that you are ready to know the truth: You're a mix between Teiresias, the Gorgon sisters, and Cerberus.
November 23, 2005
Issue 41•47
Cancer A weary mind can often be relieved with a simple change of scenery. Politely ask your captors if they would allow you to take a brief walk around the block.
November 16, 2005
Issue 41•46
Leo There's no denying that your unique scarecrow design scares the hell out the crows, but it has the disadvantage of filling your yard with infuriated Christians.
November 9, 2005
Issue 41•45
Virgo Your decision to purchase a pair of cargo pants was based entirely on the number of Hot Pockets they could hold.
November 2, 2005
Issue 41•44
Libra Patrons in the Louvre Museum will get an unexpected laugh this week when a runaway Citroen decapitates you, launching your severed head three blocks to land perfectly on to the top of the Venus de Milo.
October 26, 2005
Issue 41•43
Scorpio You've felt for weeks as if they were on the verge of figuring out your secret shame, which is ridiculous, as no one even knows who you are.
October 19, 2005
Issue 41•42
Sagittarius Your self-destructive behavior resumes this week when you run out of anything else to destroy.
October 12, 2005
Issue 41•41
Capricorn While it may be true that the emperor has no clothes, you should have taken into consideration how remarkably well-clothed, and well-armed, all his bodyguards seem to be.
October 5, 2005
Issue 41•40
Aquarius Your future seems to contain a great amount of fluorescent lighting, a lot of spreadsheets, and a great many people trying to avoid meaningful contact with you; basically, everything you went to college for.
September 28, 2005
Issue 41•39
Pisces Late at night, you still see the faces of every single one of your victims, which would not be half as horrifying if you weren't the exterminator for the city of Newark.
