Best of British

[(buffalo) Bill]

• Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the
> East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as
> a hero by the people of London .
> That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe. Werner
> Hoffman, Munich

[(buffalo) Bill]

• I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful
> young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather)
> holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

[(buffalo) Bill]

I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds
> in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other
> one?

[(buffalo) Bill]

A dad is in a restaurant with his son. The young
> man is demonstrating how he can catch a pound coin with his mouth
> after flipping it in the air.
>
>
>
> Suddenly, he starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes
> he has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.
>
> A well dressed, attractive, but serious-looking woman in a blue
> business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the mall, reading her
> newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
>
>
>
> At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down
> on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the
> counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across
> the restaurant.
>
> Reaching the young man, the woman carefully unzips his pants takes
> hold of his testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then
> even more firmly. After a few seconds he convulses violently and
> coughs up the pound coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free
> hand.
>
> Releasing the lad, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks
> back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
>
> As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill
> effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her
> saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
> fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
>
> "No," the woman replies," I work for the Inland Revenue."

[(buffalo) Bill]

DEAF WIFE
>
> A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
> thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
> her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
>
> The Doctor told him there is s a simple informal test the husband
> could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
>
> Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from
> her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
> you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
> response.'
>
> That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in
> the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
> happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
>
> No response.
>
> So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
> wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
>
> Still no response.
>
> Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
> wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
>
> Again he gets no response.
>
> So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
> 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.
>
> So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
>
> Wife says, 'Ralph , for the FIFTH time, it's CHICKEN!'

[(buffalo) Bill]

Did you hear about the fire in the three storey
> flats in Bradford , England ?
>
>
> An east European family of six lived on the first floor.
> They all perished in the fire.
>
>
> A Pakistani family of eight lived on the second floor. They also
> perished.
>
> A white couple lived on the third floor. They survived.
>
>
>
>
> Local Muslim society demanded to know why the whites survived when the
> others didn't.
>
>
> The fire brigade said the answer was simple. The white couple was at
> work when the fire broke out.

[(buffalo) Bill]

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside
> the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little
> red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose
> tightly coiled in the middle.
> The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to
> a dog and a cat.
>
> The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look:
> 'That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.
>
> 'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices
> the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar
> and one to the cat's testicles.
>
> 'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you
> how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around
> the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
>
> The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog
> and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says:
>
> 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f*cking siren,
> would I?'

[(buffalo) Bill]

Disabled toilets.
> Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

[(buffalo) Bill]

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean
> Charles de Menez.
> It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.

[(buffalo) Bill]

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got
> pickpocketed.
> How could anyone stoop so low?

[(buffalo) Bill]

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he
> was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old
> daughter.
> Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are
> bound to be curious about sex at that age."
> "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother.
> "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

[(buffalo) Bill]

I had a mate who was suicidal.
> He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
> He was chuffed to bits..

[(buffalo) Bill]

> I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
> She said I had to stop wanking.
> When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

[(buffalo) Bill]

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
> fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
> I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it f#cking start?"

[(buffalo) Bill]

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and
> thumps against the windscreen.
> Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns
> around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
> To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground
> with a cock like that."